Thursday, November 15, 2012

I'm Sure This Is All Totally Normal

Things I have witnessed Brandon lick recently:

The power cord to my laptop.

My laptop.

The side of his sippy cup, SEVEN THOUSAND TIMES in the last month.

His shoe... the bottom of it.

A chair at McDonald's (Is he going to die from that one?).

The table, a thousand times in the last month.

The counter top, again, a thousand times in the last month.

His crib slats.

A dandelion.

A sand-covered toy from the sand box.

My foot (I almost spontaneously combusted from that one: feet are so fucking gross. Yes, even my own clean, perfect still completely fucking disgusting feet.

The fireplace.

ALMOST the toilet plunger. He had it 1.5 inches from his open mouth when I yanked it out of his hand and almost beat him with it for being so disgusting, then realized that would be counter-productive... and that I don't beat my kids.

The floor at his grandparent's house.

The floor at our house (significantly less clean than the floor at his grandparent's house).

The car door - the outside of it. Then he coughed for ten minutes from the dirt and dust in his mouth and throat and frankly, I was completely unsympathetic. 

The refrigerator door (hope no raw chicken blood had splattered on it in the week previously).

The couch.

The wall.

The bathroom door.

Two thousand toys.

His Be-Yo (stuffed baby doll) that at that point, hadn't been washed in its entire five years of existence. It had been his brother's and we all know how clean little kids are.

A shopping cart (he's definitely going to die from that one).

My face.


A baby wipe - UNUSED, thankfully.

A diaper - again, unused, thankfully.

My cell phone. No, I don't take it into the bathroom with me.

The sliding glass door.

The pepper shaker.

The slide at the park. Waaaait... everything at the park.

photo credit:
QUICK, WHERE'S THE SLIDE? I need something to lick.

This is all just in the last month or so, guys.

I know there are a few hundred other things that I'm just not remembering.

I never, ever, wonder what causes his random bouts of diarrhea anymore. It's SO FREEING to not even bother having to question the source.

Need more licking stories? Read this one.

Okay, now it's YOUR turn. What have your kids licked?

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  1. Josephine used to be obsessed with taking that little white cup-shaped cover that goes over the bolts on the toilet off and putting it in her mouth.

    1. i just caught my 9 month old doing that... i am a little scared..i mean she licked it clean!!!! did you baby ever get sick or did you take her to the doctor????

    2. Yeah, no. We just put the cover back on the bolt and moved about our day. We are awesome parents.

  2. I'm sorry...all I can think is YUK! And I can't even pinpoint which one did me in.

  3. they don't grow out of it for a while! my 5yo has been into licking the outside of my car before he gets in! It hasn't been washed in over a month and he thinks it's hilarious that it disgusts me so much! pretty much anything that he can even remotely see his reflection in, is going to get licked. *shudder*

    1. Wonderful... We had pretty good luck with the first born, somewhat okay luck with the second born, and I have no hope that this third one's going to give it up any time soon. It seems to be escalating...

  4. My nearly (gasp) 1 year old licks: the cat, the dog(s) at his babysitter's house, me, my feet (socked or not), the fire poker thing, his feet, beer bottles (mother of the year anyone?), he likes to lick my hair, too. And anything else not nailed down. Anything that is, too.

    He's an equal opportunity licker.

  5. What part of the dandelion? Was it the yellow kind or the white kind? These details make a big difference!

    1. Oh, it was the top of a white one... there's a yellow one? Yeah, all the fluffy spores and whatever went right into his mouth. It was fun trying to get them all out. :-/

  6. My 20 month old likes the broom handle...I had a broom with my name on it given to me as a shitty house warming gift from my hooker shitty MIL (lok ranting much?) And my kid loves it. She bites it as well. I hate it but hubby finds it hilarious Lmao

    1. Aw, your MIL sounds like a charm! So jealous...

      Ha, at least (hopefully) she sticks with the HANDLE ONLY!

  7. My kid doesn't typically lick things, she bites and/or puts *everything* in her mouth. It's pretty similar to Brandon's lick list. Just replace the plunger with the toilet brush, and change it to "I'm positive it was in her mouth." One of her favorites (and my least favorites) is biting my toes, and not in any sort of playful/cute/silly way AT ALL. But my favorite will always be the other day when she stuck that hand with fluorescent green poop on it into her mouth.

    1. Yeah I remember being so shocked, frustrated, and annoyed at how much toddlers put in their mouths that when my firstborn reached that stage, I seriously considered if a kid muzzle would be considered abusive or inappropriate...

    2. One of those ball-gags, perhaps? hmm...on second thought, maybe not...

  8. Hilarious AND disgusting!!! My 3 year old and 1 year old lick everything in sight too!!! What the fuck is the obsession?!? I dont get it! Grosses me out:p Especially since my 1 year old decided to lick/ eat cat shit!! GAG

  9. My 13 mo old daughter gives the dogs "kisses". Which is to say she grabs their faces and while they are licking hers she opens her mouth and licks them back. We are talking tongue to tongue here. Its pretty gross.
    I can't decide if its worse than her insistence on washing her pacifier in the dog water, which is slimy from their drool. We have taken to hiding the dog water (which BTW totally defeats the purpose of even having dog water) because she scoops out handfuls to drink (this is NOT an indication of dehydration! she throws her cup of clean, chemical free water on the floor to drink the slimy dog water!) She also splashes in it and if her ass would fit (sorry baby you got that from Mama!) she would totally bathe in it!
    Recently her brother (15) forgot to close the bathroom door when he was done and she discovered toilet water (yes he also left the lid up! Thanks Dude!) I'm totally gagging here and its my own kid... It's a lot of work keeping her out of the toilet.
    Basically if its wet she will; A: Drink It, B: Splash in it, C:Attempt to bathe in it, D: Bring some to share with Mama & Daddy (What can I say she's generous)
    AND we live in Oregon where it rains 90% of the year - Did I mention she loves rain? She will throw her hood off toss her head back and squeal & laugh with delight at rain drops on her face while reaching up trying to catch the rain drops in her hands. Oh such sweet abandon (miss that in myself) thats my Pystol!! (I live in fear of the day she discovers mud puddles!!! And in anticipation of her first snow!)

    1. Well good that she lives in Oregon if she loves rain! Yeah, Brandon's favorite toy when he was about 1 was the toilet. The only way we could keep him out of it was to make sure the bathroom door was shut since he couldn't yet open it. And with two other little boys in the house, let's just say that the door was left open A LOT. He got a lot of toilet time... *shudder*

  10. One of those drains in the middle of the floor in Sam's Club. Suprisingly, he's still alive.

    1. Your kid is a superhero if he survived that- don't bother with flu shots ever because he will survive anything! The only worse drain I can think of is one in a public restroom stall.

  11. Worst things: shopping cart at Costco and blocks in DRs office

    1. That's awesome especially because the doctor's office is where all the healthy kids go... ;-)

  12. Too funny- was going to say that my youngest is still putting crap (sometimes literally) and then saw the comment above me from Running Mama- WE JUST got home from Costco where the kid, yep, was gnawing on the cart!
    Thank god for blogging mommies or I'd think I was alone in this :)


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