Thursday, May 17, 2012

Why I Don't Take The Boys Out In Public Very Often....

Ethan had his kindergarten open house tonight. Nate was working, so it fell to me to handle it, and the three boys, by myself. The following events could not do better at demonstrating why I typically refuse to leave my house when I am solely in charge of the boys. 

Just before crossing the street to the school, Connor found a feather. In case you didn't know, feathers are like, amazing to kids. They love them. So Connor has the prize and Ethan doesn't. He frantically looked around for one of his own, to no avail. We started crossing the street, and halfway across, somehow I realized that one kid wasn't with me anymore. I turned around and saw Ethan picking something up from the middle of the crosswalk. 

It took about two seconds for my brain to register that it was a dead bird, that was absolutely annihilated, smashed flat, guts and blood everywhere, and my son was holding it like he just won the best prize ever. I start yelling at him to drop it, DROP IT RIGHT NOW! It's a dead bird!! but he was so hung up on his amazing find that it took him several seconds to actually listen.

Meanwhile, we're all still standing in the street. He finally dropped it and before I could tell him not to touch anything else, he started wiping his disgusting hands on his shirt. So then I told him, "Don't touch anything!" and he looked like his best friend just died. We finished crossing the street and I busted out the alcohol wipes and hand sanitizer and washed him down. I asked him what he was picking up the dead bird for and he morosely said that he didn't know it was a dead bird, he thought it was a feather and he just wanted a feather like Connor. 

Jesus. So we continue on to the open house. The gist of it is, the students have several of their works of art and writing on display for us to see. Some of them are these books they write, apparently about whatever subject they choose.

Well, this was one of Ethan's:



Bars. 

I know his father and I are no strangers to alcohol, but I SWEAR, Ethan has no idea what a bar is. I promise. I mean, we drink at home. I was totally mortified, and asked Ethan what that was supposed to say. He answered "bears" like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Fortunately, his teacher was standing right next to us and I held up the book while laughing in embarrassment and said, "I swear, he has no idea what a bar really is!" She thankfully started laughing, too, and said that she has seen way worse spelling errors, and I believe her. I wanted to ask her what, but didn't feel that it was appropriate to force her into saying "penis instead of peanuts" or "shit instead of shirt" in front of all her students and their parents. 

We wrapped things up and the older two boys headed outside to play on the small playground in front of the classroom. It was pretty chaotic in the classroom and I lost sight of Brandon. After not finding him there, I figured he had gone outside with his brothers, so I went out there to look for him. Didn't see him, so I went back into the classroom. 

You know how you sometimes know something, just before it swims into your consciousness? This was one of those times. He's not on the playground, and he's not in the classroom. I knew exactly where he was just before I moved my eyes to the right and looked at the man holding him out at arms length with a disgusted look on his face, exiting the bathroom.

Brandon had found his old favorite toy and decided to revisit it for old time's sake: the toilet. 

I went over to them and the guy is saying that I definitely want to wash his hands, definitely. He could tell by the look on my face that I knew Brandon had been playing in the toilet. I thanked him profusely for pulling him out of the toilet and then lamely added that I had been looking for him and should have thought to look in the bathroom. He just grimaced and moved quickly away.

Sigh. I washed Brandon's hands over and over, then saturated them in hand sanitizer. I took him outside and figured that I'd find Connor chewing on a cigarette stub or dog crap or something since that was how the night was going. I gathered up the other boys and as we were walking back to the car, Brandon tripped and even though I was holding his hand, both of our hands were still soaked in sanitizer so his slipped out of mine and he face-planted on the sidewalk, scraping his chin up. Then we reached the car and Connor, who was exhausted and in need of sleep, flipped out because Ethan got in the car before him and he felt that Ethan was blocking his way. Ethan was doing his best to make sure he was in the way. A request in my "long-suffering voice" for Ethan to move and for Connor to just get into the car did nothing to rectify the situation and so I got to yell at them in my no-nonsense, "do-it-or-die psycho mom voice" in front of all the other parents who were coming and going.

Oh well. 

Sweet, sweet bedtime....

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37 comments:

  1. Now that I have 3 boys I have to admit I love them most when they are SLEEPING!!

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  2. Oh. My. This story both cracked me up & terrified me at the same time. So, what I'm leaving with at the end of this story is buying stock in hand sanitizer is a good idea?

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    1. I don't know about stock in it, but buying a ton of the actual sanitizer? A GREAT IDEA. And hand wipes, too, because sometimes, you have to actually wipe objects and other horrors off of yourself or child. But the trick is to have both of them on you at ALL times. I have them in my purse, the diaper bag, the car....

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  3. I'm not sure if this is good or bad but honestly I relate to so many of these stories you write!!! I'm laughing and crying right along with reading the stories lol - and I only have two kids...
    These little people we love, and call our children just bring out the best and worst in us Mom's don't they!!!
    And another thing - I'm past the point of needing baby wipes for an actual baby bottom, however continue to purchase them by the case from Costco simply becuase - until they actually leave home, there will continue to be a need for them!!
    Keep writing - it makes me laugh WITH you...not at you....

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    1. Thank you, Marie! I'm glad to be making you laugh, and it's okay if you're laughing AT me, too... ;-)
      I am SO on the same page as far as the baby wipes thing goes... I'm still in the thick of needing them for their intended purpose but I know that I'll still have them around long after Brandon is out of diapers. They're too handy to not have around!
      Thank you for your kind words! I really appreciate them! (And I definitely plan to keep writing... it's my therapy!)

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  4. I can totally one up the "Bar" thing! On Kinder Open House Night for my oldest daughter (now 8) She drew an accurate picture and wrote beneath it "I want to work at Hooters when I grow up." Yup. Damn those fried pickles I craved when preggo with her sister!

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    1. OH MY GOSH!! That is awesome! And not at all embarrassing... ;-) I hope you saved the picture!
      Thanks for sharing!

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  5. Oh you make me laugh! G picked up a dead bird once too.. it was floating in a massive puddle and I was heavily preggers so wasn't fast enough to stop her wading in to grab it! So gross. Kids eh?!!

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    1. Oh no, that is totally gross!! It's amazing how disgusting kids are! :-)

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  6. I teach kindergarten. My favorite speeling error was a little boy writing about the duck for our duck pond hall display. He write "I like my dik." I almost died before I told him that he didn't use very nice handwriting and needed to start over and then encouraged him to use the word duck as it was written on the board instead of sounding it out. Then I took a picture and texted it to all my teacher friends.

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    1. Oh that is awesome! Thanks for sharing it! What's funny is, in his own way, he wrote the truth.... ;-)

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  7. As the mother of four year old twin boys, I know all too well how utterly disgusting they are. It's like raising little savages. The Do-it-or die voice gets used far too often in my house. But at least it gives me interesting stories to tell.

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    1. Oh yes, I love the stories! Have to look on the bright side!

      "Little savages" is awesome! I regularly compare mine to animals.

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  8. This was exactly what I needed to read this week! My 4 year old has been driving me insane, and I thought I was the only one who had a 'do-it-or-die mom psycho mom voice'. Sigh.

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    1. Oh no. You are far from the only one! I'm glad this makes you feel less alone!

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  9. "do-it-or-die psycho mom voice" LOVE IT! Thank GOD I am not alone in that ;) Not that it is a good thing but it IS what happens sometimes :)

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  10. I had a similar incident this morning, only it was poison ivy. "DON"T TOUCH ANYTHING! NO YOU CAN'T HUG ME! STOP TOUCHING YOUR SHIRT! DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE!" Of course, it was after I specifically told him NOT to touch the poison ivy, he just couldn't wait to touch it to see what would happen. (he's 2)

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    1. OH my gosh, poison ivy?! He knows how to do it up! That'll be fun to deal with... good luck!

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  11. At our kindergarten art night, my son's story started as "we have sex...." On the first part followed by "people in our family". But it was hard to see anything but the we have sex part. He meant six. I have 4 kids within 6.5 years of each other. There are moments I'd make a good model for a birth control campaign. They should pay to walk around high schools :) Certainly there are amazing moments too, but its pretty crazy sometimes.

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    1. HAA! That's awesome! I eventually asked my son's teacher what some of the mispronunciations are and "six" and "sex" was one of the top ones!

      You would make a good birth control campaign. I could join you. We'd scare the BEJEEZUS out of everyone! I live next door to a house that college students rent out, and when my youngest was a baby, he was flipping out and screaming his face off on a night they were having a party. I seriously considered holding him, screaming, up to the adjoining fence and yelling out, "PRACTICE SAFE SEX, PEOPLE, OR THIS WILL BE YOUR LIFE IN NINE MONTHS."

      I thought it would be a nice thing for me to do. But I didn't.

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  12. This is exactly why I stopped after having 2 boys. My mother-in-law had 3 boys and she's crazy. Well who am I kidding... I am too. I think you'd like my post about "when the crazy comes out" http://christinecanevari.wordpress.com/2012/06/30/when-the-crazy-comes-out/

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    1. Yeah... We tried to stop after 2 but my IUD had other ideas! You're smart to keep it to a minimum! I'm glad that I'll get to be the crazy mother-in-law with 3 boys down the road, ha!! (But yes, I would have been after just the two, too.)

      I'll check out your post, thanks!

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  13. I have 3 boys as well, ages 4, 3, and 22 months. I can soooo relate!! "Chewing on a cigarette stub"--priceless! Pretty much sums up boys.

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    1. Oh yeah, you can relate! Boys are gross. Love them, and they're gross. :-))

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  14. I remember picking up a dead bird and bringing it home when I was 11, cause it was so cool. Way better than a feather, which you are right, is aMazing in its own right!

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  15. Aww, Come on. I am an 81 year old boy and proud of it.

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  16. I got this from some other blogger, but my girls rotate through "lucky day". When it's your lucky day, you get to choose the spoon you have cereal with, you get in the car first, go out the front door first. They still fight and the younger one forgets when it's her day and then whines about it the next, but it does seem to help more often than not.
    I only have 2 and they're girls, but my older one has ADHD and has been completely fearless since the day she was born. I used to keep a count of how many days it had been since we last went to Urgent Care. It's a good thing my husband has excellent insurance.

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    1. I have a feeling that we'll probably have to go to a "lucky day" style routine here soon!
      I'm so glad you have excellent insurance! When you're counting how many days since you last went to Urgent Care (Holy crap!), you definitely need it!

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  17. I am just getting a chance to catch up on some of your posts and I love this one. It reminds me of growing up with boys and gives me a view into my future with the kids. I totally think that my daughter is going to be worse than my son.

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    1. Thanks, Karen! You never know, your daughter could be... ;-)

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  18. Girl, there is no one, and I MEAN NO ONE who deserves to win more than you. I just peed myself laughing. Really, peed- because after three kids, I have absolutely no bladder control.

    It was totally worth changing my underwear for that.
    :)

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    1. That is incredibly sweet of you to say! Thank you, and I'm happy to have made you laugh but sorry you had to piss yourself... :-D

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  19. I love your stories and can relate so well. Three boys 24, 20 and 5. All very different from each other, but all boys none the less. I love them all silly! I thank God for them each and every one, but they're all gross!

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