Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Losing My Mind Over Lost Sleep

Let's talk about sleep. Or, more specifically, lack thereof. I think that it's generally understood that sleep deprivation is par for the course for parents, but one thing I suspect many people underestimate is the danger that severe sleep deprivation creates.

That's right, I said DANGER. [Insert "Home Alone" scream] I know, whaaat? For once, I am not being dramatic. Let me tell you a couple of stories.

For the first year of Ethan's (our firstborn) life he didn't sleep longer than two, maybe three hours. Ever. Not at night, not in the day, ever. He was high-strung, had a bit of GERD or acid reflux, loved to nurse and/or suck (and had given up the pacifier on his own, so I didn't have a substitute after 5-6 months), and did not want to sleep for very long. His naps were a whopping 30 to 45 minutes.

HELL. IT WAS HELL. Talk about the red-carpet welcome to motherhood.

Nate was going through some long-term, grueling training for his job for 9 of those 12 months,  so I didn't ever ask him to take over at night for me so I could get a bit more sleep. I mistakenly thought that his sleep was more important than mine because he was working full-time and I was only working part-time, and his job was significantly more stressful and dangerous than mine, so he needed to be in tip-top shape. 

Mmm hmm. Talk about first-time mom syndrome.

About two weeks before Ethan's first birthday, the sleep deprivation caught up to me, BIG time. I started experiencing these flashes of actual rage, rage, in the truest definition of the word, over the dumbest things. I'm actually, in spite of how it may appear on this blog, a pretty easy-going person and this was completely out of character. 

For example, Nate would say something in jest, and it would spark a fit of pure rage. I would feel a burning sensation blossom in my chest, spread up into my throat and face and down my arms. I would clamp my lips together to physically stop myself from screaming FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING MOTHER FUCKER! I FUCKING HATE YOU! and I'd clench my hands into fists to keep from smashing a wine bottle over his head. 

I laugh about it now, but back then, it was no joke. The feelings of rage and anger would only last for a minute or two, but in those moments, I was barely in control of myself. I felt violent and could hardly restrain myself from physically lashing out. It was very serious.

And it was distressing because: 
1. I don't actually hate him (most days, anyway, ha). 
2. He didn't even say anything that would justify that kind of reaction (not that much DOES justify that kind of reaction).
3. This wasn't who I am. 
4. I was feeling it towards Ethan.

That last one was the most distressing one of all. It is unacceptable to feel that kind of rage and violence towards a child, and that's when I knew that I had to figure out what the hell was causing me to have these episodes of rage, before I lost control and actually hurt somebody. It didn't take long for me to realize that I was so severely sleep-deprived that my body chemistry was critically off, my mind was slipping, my self-control was slipping, and it needed to stop. NOW.

Three days before Ethan's first birthday, I told Nate that I was done, Ethan was just going to have to cry it out (CIO). For the previous six months, I had tried everything, read tons of books on sleep and getting babies to sleep, employed all the methods, and Ethan was like, fuck you, mom. We're not sleeping. I had been resistant to the CIO method because it felt heartless and against my instincts to leave him screaming in his bed, but when I weighed leaving him screaming in his bed versus throwing him against a wall in a fit of rage, screaming in his bed won out.

I also looked at factors like:
1. He was no longer pooping at night, so I wasn't going to be leaving him lying in his own shit. 
2. He wasn't actually hungry; he was just comfort nursing and my milk was drying up, anyway. 
3. He was a year old, not an infant. 
4. He no longer had reflux and was off of his reflux medicine. 
5. Sleep is critical for his brain development, and he was missing out on hours of sleep every night. 
And probably some other things that I'm not remembering right now.

NOTE: I'm not advocating for this method; I'm just sharing what I eventually had to do and the processes that went into it, and it happened to be what worked for us. So leave the non-supportive, mom-shaming, high-horse comments off here. 

So that first night, we put him to bed and listened to him scream off and on for hours throughout the night. I almost got up and slept in the car. The second night, the same. 

The third night, the night before his birthday, he slept all night. Not a peep out of him. Yes, when I woke up in the morning after that third night and realized that he (and I) had slept all night, I actually felt a little panicked that he died in his sleep and that's why he didn't cry all night. Of course, he didn't - he simply figured out pretty quickly that mom wasn't coming in to save him and decided to get over it. And every night thereafter, he slept all night.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BOTH OF US!

I know we were lucky that it only took two nights, but jesus, we needed that. Within a week of getting a full-ish night's sleep every night, those fits of rage went away completely.

People. I cannot impress upon you enough how critical sleep really is. We all want to be the best moms, but if it means that we're greatly sacrificing ourselves and risking our health, we're not necessarily doing the right thing, at least not in that area. We need to be healthy, too. Not only do we need to get decent sleep, but our kids do, too, and they also need to form healthy sleeping habits. 

Like I mentioned earlier, my biggest mistake was not standing up for myself and telling Nate, "Hey, I really need to get some sleep tonight. Can you just get up with him?" And that especially sucks because Nate is an involved, hands-on dad and I totally could have asked him to do that for me. Nor did I ask anybody else to help out.

When Ethan was about 15 months old, we were in the waiting room at the pediatrician's office. A woman who looked like death warmed over walked in with her approximately 18-month-old son. She went to the receptionist's desk, and told the approximately 20-year-old receptionist that she needed to talk to a doctor right now about why her son wasn't sleeping. 

The receptionist, naturally, asked if she had an appointment, and when the mom said no, the receptionist said that she would have to make one because they were booked solid, and she probably wouldn't be able to see anyone for a few days.

The mom broke down. I mean seriously broke down. She started sobbing and said that she couldn't wait a few more days; her son hasn't really slept his whole life and she was on the verge of losing her mind and she just needed him to sleep. The receptionist was like a deer in headlights, and kept saying that they didn't have any appointments and she was just going to have to wait. 

The mom kept saying that she couldn't wait, she's tried everything and he just won't sleep, she's going crazy, she just needs to talk to someone about a solution. She was crying so hard that she could barely talk, but the receptionist couldn't or wouldn't budge. 

I was absolutely shocked. Furious. I mean, what the fuck does it take for someone to realize that the person standing in front of them is clearly in need of help, like right now?

I was just about to walk over to the desk and tell the receptionist that the mom could have Ethan's appointment because a sleep-deprived mom is a very, very dangerous thing and clearly, this mom was losing her mind and could quite possibly be a danger to herself and/or her child, when something finally penetrated with the receptionist and she got a nurse to come talk to her. 

I was happy that they were finally doing something for the mom but still pissed that she had to press her case that much. Sure, she could have done things like recognized that she was in need of help way before reaching the breaking point and talked to her pediatrician well before then, but you know what? It isn't often that people realize just how deeply in trouble they are until they snap. 

It's hard to be in touch with yourself when your brain isn't functioning properly because of severe sleep deprivation. Combine that with the pressure that some moms place on themselves to be "perfect" moms, or the pressure that society and even friends and family can put on each other to be a "perfect" mom, or for us to think or be under the impression that we're shit parents if we don't love every fucking single second of parenthood, and you have a recipe for disaster.

I completely understand why that mom didn't ask for help until she snapped. I understand that it was probably hard for her to admit, not only to herself but to her family and doctors, that she was struggling. 

And I understand how it then could have been hard for her to ask for help, to admit that she couldn't do it all, or maybe she didn't have anybody that she could ask to help her.

And that really sucks. Moms, Dads, don't underestimate the power of sleep, and don't underestimate the dangerous effects of sleep deprivation. Do what you have to do to get some sleep. 
Ask for help. 
Work something out with a fellow parent friend if you can. 
Get a gym membership, put the kid in the daycare, then go out to your car and sleep for a couple of hours if you have to. 
Let the (older) baby cry. 
Talk to your doctor, just do something
Don't let it get to a dangerous point.

Also, be kind to yourself. You don't have to do it all, you don't have to be perfect, which you'll never be anyway because nobody is perfect. Give yourself a break. Give your kids a break by taking care of you. 

And if you have a friend or family member who you can see is struggling, offer them a hand. Don't watch them suffer, watch them trying to hold it together, and do nothing to help. We need to help each other out, support each other. I've been known to tell friends, and even people that I barely know, that if they need a nap, I'll come hold their newborn. Sure, it's partly out of selfishness because damn, I love babies, but it's also to help out because I understand how critical sleep deprivation is. I've been there. Don't let yourself get there.


One of my favorite pictures of Ethan - probably because he was SLEEPING.



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42 comments:

  1. OMG I fucking love you!!! To attest to my sever lack of sleep, this post made me cry (tears are actually still flowing down my face). My darling baby girl is now over 10 months old and is a crappy sleeper - always has been. I used to have to hold her through her 20 minute naps or she wouldn't sleep at all. Now, if she wakes up only two or three times a night I'm happy. Yesterday night was brutal and she was up more than half a dozen times and got up before 6:30 so I was extra tired all day yesterday. Bed time rolls around...I am usually ok if it takes me up to 40 minutes of nursing/bouncing whatever to get her to sleep. Anything over that and I go really crazy. I ended up coming downstairs twice from my efforts to get her down before sending my husband up to give it a go. After hearing thumps and bangs I went upstairs to see what the hell was going on. Lily was crawling around her room while the hubs watched her. That is when I felt the irrational rage bubbling up. This was the opposite of putting her to sleep. Now, the hubs is an amazing hands on dad who wants the best for his baby girl but right then I wanted to kick him in the balls. Instead I kicked him out of the room and attempted to put Lily down to bed. To no avail. I was so exhausted that I let her CIO. It was horrible! Because I'm so masochistic I lay on the floor in the hall outside of her room and listened to her cry and felt like the biggest sack of shit in the world. That being said, she only cried for 30 minutes and slept solidly for seven hours!!!I nursed her after that (because my boobs were going to explode) and she slept for a few more hours. I got so much rest I almost feel normal. Unfortunately I do get those crazy rage moments that are directed at 1. the hubs 2. the cat 3. random strangers. I'm so worried about going back to work in a couple months and losing my shit but hopefully Lily will continue sleeping even if I have to let her CIO. Thank you soooo much for this post and sorry this is a long and rambling comment xoxo

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    1. Cats spark rage in me, too. (Just kidding, I love them.) I'm so glad you shared your story and you don't need to apologize for a long comment! I hope Lily continues on a good sleeping path and you ALL get some decent rest.

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  2. GOOD advice! I had a breakdown moment like that mom in the doctor's office when my 3rd child was an infant. My doctor put me on a prescription sleep medication and it seriously turned my life around. I had no idea what a full night sleep felt like until then.

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    1. Thank you! And I'm glad you got something to help you sleep!

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  3. Aaaah, I remember that "breaking down" moment. Thankfully it was short lived, and I am (for the most part) extremely blessed with self-training kid.

    I thought I was going to lose my shit there for a minute though. Working full time, Hubs working full time, yet - it was always me that had to get up in the night because I thought it was "my job".

    The hubs is a very hands on dad and would have happily taken over at night, but I didn't ask him because I thought that would be like admitting failure.

    Wish I'd gotten over myself earlier and had some sleep. Several sets of balls could have been saved....

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    1. Those poor balls... Well I am glad you eventually got over yourself, and that you have a self-training kid! Way to luck out! :-)

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  4. I feel like I've read so much lately and seen so much on TV lately about all this pressure moms feel to be "perfect" (just this morning Good Morning America did a story on moms who have to take Xanax because they have so much anxiety about motherhood and being perfect). Is this a new phenomenon? Or is it something that's always been around, just no one talked about it? Or is it just heightened by the media and the internet? I mean, I love Pinterest, but I think it makes some people feel like if they don't do 87 different crafty activities a day with their kids, they're ruining them.

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    1. I seriously don't understand it; I certainly don't feel any pressure to be perfect! :-) I do think that for others, it's brought on by the internet in a huge way... people can just go out there and say what they want to to anyone, perpetuating a shit-ton of negativity and insults, and making people feel poorly about themselves. I also think that it's been around for a while but people are talking about it more (because they're finding their voices via the internet, for the most part), but it's probably worse nowadays because of the internet and all of the sharing sites like Pinterest.

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  5. I've always done the nights with ours, 'cause I'd figured ahead of time it was kinda gonna be hell, and my wife had already been through nine months of it, and has a hard enough time getting sleep even without a kid. And I was right. The kid was flipped, and slept during the day and wouldn't go to sleep all night long for the first couple months. I never shook her, but I remember laying her down on the floor for a minute so I could go over to a wall and slap it, hard, and maybe pound my fists on the ground. I remember fearing that I was close to shaking her. I totally get what you're saying, and you're right, you gotta do what you gotta do to get some rest and recharge.

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    1. Very good of you to take over the nights! And I appreciate that you shared your story about having to put Addison down to keep from and/or out of fear of becoming violent towards her - I think more people need to be open about feeling that way so that other parents know they are not alone in feeling it, too.

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  6. This makes me want to cry. Because I KNOW this feeling. I know exactly what you are talking about. I know what its like to try to be strong and in the end fail because I was just so tired. I envy you for making it to a year. I only made it to 9mos with my first baby before I was going insane. I called my doctors nurse and broke down on the phone with her talking about how I had something wrong with me because I was starting to hate my baby. She thankfully recognized I just needed sleep and suggested CIO. It worked within 2days like you and within a week of actually sleeping I WAS feeling like a normal human again and no longer wanted to throw my baby out the window! I love you for being strong enough to write this. Strong enough for other moms who need to read this. Amazing enough to help others who might need it.

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    1. Thanks, Wendy, and thank you for sharing your story! I'm so glad that you found a way to get past the sleep issues and did what you needed to do.

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  7. From a fellow mommy of an infant with reflux....I feel you! ;)

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  8. I so totally relate to your experience! My second daughter is now 13 1/2 months old, and only slept 2 hour stretches (max.) up until about a month ago when we felt we had no other choice but to CIO and completely wean. Weaning was an important part of the equation because the poor girl was confused as to why she could nurse and be close to her mama at some points during the day, but not during other times.

    The first night of sleep training, my husband sent me out of the room, and sat amazingly calm next to the crib while baby screamed bloody murder for 3 hours straight! The second night she cried 10 minutes before putting herself to back to sleep and the third night she only wimpered twice but didnt fully wake up for 8 hours!

    When baby was 7 months old I felt like I was completely loosing it. I was devastated by the fact that I had zero patience for my 2 year old (whether it be for play or to deal with 2-year-old-antics), felt a loathing for my husband at the drop of a hat, and was generally on the verge of loosing my shit at all hours. At some point I actually visited my doctor and almost begged to be put on anti-depressant medication, but that would have meant weaning earlier than I wanted to. Luckily she recognized that my issues were stemming from being severly sleep deprived. However, that didnt mean that I was able to get any shut-eye immediately after the diagnosis (but, I didnt ask for help at that time either!)

    Now that I've been consistently getting full, uninterrupted sleep for the past few weeks, all of that has turned around.

    Thank you for sharing your experience! Hopefully more women will ask for help by recognizing that they arent alone!

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    1. I'm so glad your doctor saw that it was sleep-deprivation, and especially that you're now getting good sleep. Thank you for sharing your story, too, the more that talk about this issue, the better!

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  9. thank you - i feel normal now, and a little less guilty as well.

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  10. I think I am in love with you for this line:

    NOTE: I'm not advocating for this method; I'm just sharing what I eventually had to do and the processes that went into it, and it happened to be what worked for us. So leave the non-supportive, mom-shaming, high-horse comments off here.

    LOl - I let mine CIO at 4 months and didn't regret it for a single moment. Some may say that is too young but refer to the comment above :) lol

    I also got to the point where I crashed into our bedroom in the middle of the night and handed the wailing infant to my husband. I was sobbing and said "I want to shake her - anything to make her stop! Please take her - I am not safe with her right now".

    This shit is for real and people need to know how real it is and how normal you are when you feel that way. (As a side note: teenagers who are having sex NEED to understand how real this shit is!) More importantly, people need to know how real it is and that means to get help RIGHT NOW! From anyone and everyone who can - use every resource you have available to you. I heard of a Mom in a foreign city with no friends or family and a severe language barrier take her kid to the local police station and tell them they had to take her for just a few hours - she was that desperate!

    This is a great post and should be publicized as a Public Service Announcement!

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    1. Ha, good point on the PSA thing! I totally, completely understand the "take the baby now or I will do horrible things" feeling. Thank you for sharing your story and thoughts, you're spot-on!

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  11. This totally reminded me of a post by a friend of mine. She had nearly the exact same issue.

    http://stinkerpants.com/weblog/post/is-attachment-theory-bad-for-women

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    1. I know, so many people ave come out and said how they dealt with something similar! It's a real issue.

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  12. Funny that I should read your post today...just a few hours ago my therapist told me two nights of sleep deprivation is like being at 0.05 blood alcohol. Impaired!

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    1. Wow! Except, not the "fun" kind of impaired! Hahaha!

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  13. I was lucky that my doctor knew me well enough to tell me at 6 weeks that I needed more meds until I could get more sleep, since getting more sleep wasn't really going to happen yet. At 2 weeks I'd gone to peds and asked why LO wasn't sleeping; I'd read that he would settle into 5 hours once a day in just a few weeks from birth. They told me my book had lied to me, and asked over and over who I was getting help from. Um, nobody -- help means someone to let you sleep, but that wasn't what I thought it meant until then, and I just didn't have that. (I'd thought help was someone who can show you how to bathe the kiddo, a different way to soothe him, someone to hold him while you cooked dinner. I was so clueless.) I'm crying now just thinking about it. At some point I learned to nurse him lying down so I could sleep more, if not better. We finally CIO'd a few weeks ago and I'm back to my regular dosage, almost 6 months in. This shit IS real, and I commend you for your self-advocacy regarding other peoples' high horse attitudes, as well.

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    1. I'm so glad you have a good doctor! And that you were able to get it all figured out and get back to a regular dose. Thank you for sharing, people need to hear these stories!

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  14. This was an awesome post. I also didn't let the hubby help with the nighttime wakings, he has insomnia and I felt guilty. Like Nate he's a total hands on dad, he would have helped if I just let him.

    I got this book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. Then one weekend the hubby was away, I called my son's Godfather to move my son's crib into his room. I followed the advise in the book. Even though we had never had the heart for CIO, once we saw that even without that step the advice from this sleep expert was working, we went full force. I realized that I HAD to have the heart to do this, my son needed to sleep well to grow and develop properly. It worked. After a week of sleeping through the night finally after months and months sleepless nights. I realized just what you said, I had been a danger to myself, my son and the world. Every day I drove us, or myself. EVERY. DAY. When I look back now I'm grateful to God that I didn't kill anyone.

    Not to mention I wasn't even myself. I had no quality of life. Like most moms I didn't realize the damage I was doing to myself, and frankly I didn't care because I mistakenly thought I was being a "good" mom.

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    1. That was one of the books I read! It had a lot of great information about sleep in it, from what I remember.

      I'm so glad you've been able to realize that sacrificing yourself completely doesn't make you a better mom. Thanks for sharing your experiences!

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  15. Thank you thank you for this post. I actually just re-read it. I read it for the first time on Wednesday which was ironically the day I had my breaking point. My 2nd child is 9 weeks old barely sleeps and SCREAMS all the time. The docs say she is totally fine-just a fussy baby.

    We were actually at her dr appt on Tuesday and my husband and I tried to talk to the doctor but he just kept saying "she's doing great you're doing a good job". The poor nurse seemed to realize that I was near the brink. She was very kind and tried to help. I would have talked to her longer if I realized how close I was to losing it. That night I got about 3 hours of sleep before the screaming and chaos started. I spent 2 hours trying to get her back to sleep-which included basically screaming "what the f is your problem?" before taking her for a drive. Good idea right? Enraged sleep deprived lunatic driving a car. She finally conked out only to wake up as soon as I got her back home. That's when I totally fell apart.

    On Wednesday, around 5 am, I was sitting there nursing her and SOBBING to my husband. I never ask for help. Ever. I flat out said I need help. I was so worried in my little fits of rage that I would hurt her and it wouldn't be something I could ever undo.

    I work full time and have been letting my husband sleep so he could take care of the kids during the day (he works 2nd shift). The last 2 nights my husband actually took the kids to his parents so I could sleep. Today I feel like a new person-actually my old self. Screw the guilt of pawning off the kids for a few nights. Thank you for helping me to see that what I did was right and that yeah, a rested Mom is a better Mom. Thanks for putting this out there. I really didn't realize how serious it was til this week and ironically your post came out at the same time and hammered it home. I think for me, and probably others as well, there is that feeling of shame in admitting that you're not perfect, you can't handle it, and you need help. I'm still not done-she's still not sleeping but we've decided we need to do whatever we can to make sure that each of us gets at least one full night of uninterrupted sleep each week. If that means going to the in-laws or a hotel or whatever that is what we will do. Thank you.

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    1. Holy crap, Kerri, I'm so glad you've been able to get some sleep and are figuring out how to make it all work. Thank you for sharing your story, too. We are definitely not alone!

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  16. I just found this post because my 14 month old that has been a great sleeper his whole life, has stopped sleeping through the night. We share a room so its extremely hard to let him CIO. Thanks for reminding me that it will be worth it when we are all sleeping again.

    I just have to add this: why do we always have to ask our husbands to get up with the kids. Why don't we just naturally take turns? Or why don't they think "Oh she has been getting up every night for a year straight why don't I take over tonight." I just don't know how their brains don't see this.

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    1. I don't know why husbands don't think that way!
      Good luck with the new sleep problems. They will work out!

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  17. Often times this happens with new parents because they do not realize how much attention and affection a newborn actually needs. They only attend to the little pooper when he or she begins to scream and spasm. When the baby is acting calm and happy the parent foolishly assumes it is break time. They say to themselves "Ahh, I can maybe sneak in an hour nap or an hour of television until the next episode occurs". What they are essentially doing though is teaching the baby to behave in this manner, and not even realizing it. newbies need their mothers warmth, affection and milk like they need air. They are dependent on these things for survival. It is a natural phenominon. The learn how to get your attention if you are absent and do this in the only way they know how. Scream, convulse, piss and moan at all hours of the day. It is a vicious cycle. The more you try to get away from it all the more he or she does it. So the answer is to smother the child. You have a duty as a mother and a father to stop what you are doing for your own personal enjoyment and tend to the babies needs. If you cannot do that you should not have a kid. Without affection from a working and stressed out mother kids can grow to have developmental problems. So to avoid the agony pretend you like and love your kid even if you think he sucks. He will feel more secure knowing you are just as dependent on him as he is on you. if he is sick then he is sick. That is life. Thank God it is not life threatening

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  18. Yes, CIO is the ONLY way to get them to sleep. I did all of the hippie crap the first year; rocking, soothing, reading, etc. Nothing worked. In hindsight, I wish that I had employed a hardcore sleep training method within the first couple of months. Would have made that first year so much more happy!

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  19. Yes, CIO is the ONLY way to get them to sleep. I did all of the hippie crap the first year; rocking, soothing, reading, etc. Nothing worked. In hindsight, I wish that I had employed a hardcore sleep training method within the first couple of months. Would have made that first year so much more happy!

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  20. I know this post is pretty old but I was so glad to find it. My baby will be 1 year in 2 weeks and wakes up every 2 hours. I was handling it pretty well up until now. All of a sudden I have felt a year's worth of sleep deprivation hit me. My anxiety is through the roof and I can barely stand the baby right now. Everything about him is annoying me. People say this won't last forever, he will sleep eventually and I want to punch them. This could go on for another year, that's an eternity when you aren't sleeping!

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  21. I know this post is pretty old but I was so glad to find it. My baby will be 1 year in 2 weeks and wakes up every 2 hours. I was handling it pretty well up until now. All of a sudden I have felt a year's worth of sleep deprivation hit me. My anxiety is through the roof and I can barely stand the baby right now. Everything about him is annoying me. People say this won't last forever, he will sleep eventually and I want to punch them. This could go on for another year, that's an eternity when you aren't sleeping!

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  22. Thank you for writing this I'm sitting on the couch it's 1am and baby is finally falling back asleep. I know the rage and while I've never screamed at the baby I've held him in front of me and said loudly and angrily enough to startle him "go to sleep!" or "why aren't you sleeping!" or "you're actually drivinge insane!" I feel terrible for it and usually end up in tears. I've just found out I'm pregnant with my second and the thought of getting up several times a night for hours trying to get my one year old back to sleep when I'm heavily pregnant lead me to cry hysterically on the floor next to his cot while he cried back at me.

    It's nice to read so many comments about nice husbands who will gladly help during the night. Sadly my husband is not one of these and is impossible to wake and truly believes it is my job anyhow. Sometimes I get back to bed after putting the baby back down and find my husband has spread out over the entire bed and this awakens the rage in me.

    I've tried letting baby cry but I cannot physically handle it although I know it would probably fix the problem. I might try ear plugs because I honestly can't go on like this.

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  23. Thank you for writing this I'm sitting on the couch it's 1am and baby is finally falling back asleep. I know the rage and while I've never screamed at the baby I've held him in front of me and said loudly and angrily enough to startle him "go to sleep!" or "why aren't you sleeping!" or "you're actually drivinge insane!" I feel terrible for it and usually end up in tears. I've just found out I'm pregnant with my second and the thought of getting up several times a night for hours trying to get my one year old back to sleep when I'm heavily pregnant lead me to cry hysterically on the floor next to his cot while he cried back at me.

    It's nice to read so many comments about nice husbands who will gladly help during the night. Sadly my husband is not one of these and is impossible to wake and truly believes it is my job anyhow. Sometimes I get back to bed after putting the baby back down and find my husband has spread out over the entire bed and this awakens the rage in me.

    I've tried letting baby cry but I cannot physically handle it although I know it would probably fix the problem. I might try ear plugs because I honestly can't go on like this.

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    1. I never thought I'd be the one leaving a comment on a random persons blog, but I have to praise you at 4am for writing this article. It might very well have saved my sanity. I'm so sick of listening to my boyfriends mother make me feel like a shity parent because she did it with four kids why can't I do it with one baby!?!? Fuckin sick of it! I need sleep too! This should be a movement!

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