Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Crazy Mom Advice For My Boys: General Life Stuff Edition

Since we never know how much time we have left in the world, or how long we have to pass on our neurosis, paranoias, and craziness nuggets of wisdom to our children, I've started a little series of posts that list the things I want my boys to know, so were I to kick off before they grow up, they'll have these posts to laugh at and defy.

I mean, wouldn't you want to take advice from this crazy bitch?

Since brevity is not in my vocabulary, I'm breaking the posts up into categories. As you can see from the title, this post is about general life stuff.


1. Be nice to everyone. Your grandpa, my dad, always drilled that into me, and now I'm so nice to people, even to people who don't deserve it, that it's disgusting. But seriously, there are enough assholes in the world, you don't need to add to the count. Your grandpa told me a story about a girl in his class when he was a boy 200 years ago, and everyone was mean to her except for him. Years later, he applied for a job and she was the person who interviewed him. She remembered him and said that he was the only person in school who had been nice to her. He got the job, and he told me that he knows she never would have hired him if he had been one of the mean kids. You don't have to like or respect everyone you meet, but you should do your best to be nice and treat them with respect.

2. Have a sense of humor. I can't imagine that you won't have one, growing up in our house, but just in case, here's a hundred bucks- go buy yourself one. Don't forget to use your sense of humor even in the bad times because that's when you'll need it the most, and that's when people around you will need it, too. Don't underestimate the power of a well-placed joke in a bad situation.

3. Stand up for what you believe in and for what's right, even if you're standing alone. One of my most favorite quotes is this one by Malcolm X: "I'm for truth, no matter who tells it. I'm for justice, no matter who it's for or against."

4. Speaking of truth, don't be a liar. Nobody likes a liar.

5. Don't pretend to be somebody that you're not. It's exhausting, like when I have to be classy in certain social situations. I prefer to just be me, and you'll discover that the more real you are the better you'll feel about yourself. There is so much strength and confidence in just being you, and even more strength in knowing that the people who like and love you are liking and loving the real you, not some facade, some character you've created. I can't imagine how lonely it would feel to not be loved for who you really are.

6. Speaking of being liked, understand that not everybody is going to like you. I know, what a shocker, but it's true. In fact, there may even be A LOT of people who don't like you. And you know what? That's okay. Learn who matters. Think about it: do you like everybody you've ever met? I'm going to guess no. It's okay not to be liked. It's life. It hurts sometimes, but get over it and move on.

7. Don't do drugs. Just don't. Especially the big ones: heroin, meth, coke. Don't "huff," either. I worked in a jail and saw addicts every day. They are not pretty. Not just physically speaking, but inside. The drugs blew their minds, ravaged their bodies and who they were as people. The addiction pulled them to do things they weren't proud of, things they never would have done had they not become addicted. You don't want to spend your life in jail, sharing a cell with some crazy fuck who shits all day and masturbates all night, or on the streets, hungry and wallowing in your own shit and puke and giving blow jobs to get cash for your next fix. If there's anything you decide to listen to me on, let it be this. I'll fucking brain you if you start doing them, and then lock you up in a closet. I'm not joking. You think you've seen the crazy in me? You haven't. I have a whole lotta unseen crazy inside and I promise, you want it kept unseen. Don't do drugs.

8. Love your brothers. I mean, who else is going to give you their i.d. so your underage ass can hit up the bars to get picked up by the cougars, or pick your drunk ass up and hide it from me and your dad, or know exactly what you're talking about when you bitch about how crazy your parents are? Take care of each other, be there for each other, respect each other and your differences. I'm not saying I can force you guys into getting along, but I AM saying that I can knock your fookin' heads together until you do. And I will. 

9. You're going to get knocked down. Don't stay down. Pick yourself up, and stand a little straighter. You're going to become stronger by going through the bad things that life hands you. Remember that, when you're brought to your knees in grief or pain or stress. And remember to laugh. Never forget to laugh. Find a way to laugh through it; I guarantee you that there's something to laugh about. If you can't find it, come ask me, I'll find it. Or just get through it somehow and then look back and laugh. That's what I've done while raising you.

10. You know what I've learned a lot from? My mistakes and my failures. When you make a mistake or fail, and you will, because *GASP* you're not perfect, try to view them as learning opportunities instead of letting them make you feel like shit about yourself. Try to minimize the amount and severity of your screw-ups, though. One really good way to do that is to learn from other people's mistakes and failures. Another good way is to make smart decisions in the first place.

11. Have the grace to forgive, and the smarts to never forget. 

12. If you hurt someone, own up to it. Be strong enough to admit that you did something wrong and apologize. BUT, don't do something so hurtful or stupid that an apology can never be enough to make up for what you did. 

13. Don't make me bury you. Be safe, and make good decisions.

14. You're not always going to be right. Be capable of listening to others and being told that you're wrong. Especially if I'm the one telling you that. 

15. Bring your old crazy mom a bottle of wine every once in a while, and sit and drink it with me. Make sure it's a double bottle, the 1.5 liter kind. 

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  1. Very sound advice. So many good points, but I especially liked the first one about your dad and being nice. Also, I will most certainly lock my kids in a closet if they even think about trying drugs.

  2. Got your link on FB from Hilarious stuff. I will be reading. I re-posted your link and said "I found my new best friend."

  3. This works for girls too!! Great advice. I especially love #11. Nice job, Mom.

  4. in case you ever wished you had a daughter, i'll volunteer to be adopted! realized i needed a lot of that advice right now. wish my mom was funny crazy instead of crrrazy crrazy.

    1. Ugh, I'm sorry she's that kind of crazy. Well I hope the post helped otherwise!

  5. Excellent. Thank from a regular guy.

  6. Sorry - I'm crossing out your name and cutting & pasting this for my sons. Same stuff applies. I may even frame it. BRILLIANT post.


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