Thursday, April 19, 2012

What SHOULDN'T happen in the bath.

So I'm still alive after my weird illness last weekend. Since it was probably just the flu or something, it makes sense that I'm still around. Anyway, Monday night, while I was still sick, Nate had a baseball (or is it softball... eh, who cares) game and since I wasn't on my deathbed it didn't make sense for him to miss it. So this left me to give the boys their bath while he was Barry Bonds-ing it (minus the 'roids and whore on the side, hopefully) for his team.

And this happened - the two oldest decided to play a "licking game". It's pretty much what it sounds like. They lick stuff and think it's just hilarious. Mostly, they were licking their hands and arms and each others' hands and arms. Then, they had their bath toys play the licking game, too.  

Then they got sidetracked from that by having an in-depth examination and discussion about their penises. "Look, there's a black hole right there." "Oh, I have that, too." "Look, I'm squishing the hole." "Oh yeah, me too."

I was rolling my eyes and taking the opportunity of being stuck in the bathroom to clean the toilet, when I heard, "Look, {giggle} the frog is licking my penis {giggle giggle giggle}".


They can talk about their penises and pee holes but I think I might need to draw the line at them having things licking their penises.

*Deep sigh* "Um, how about the frog doesn't lick any penises, yeah?" Something I have always wanted to say my whole life. Goal achieved. I can go die now. 

And then, as I was drying Brandon, Connor, while still in the tub, thought it would be a good idea to lick almost the entire length of the side of the bathtub. Which maybe wouldn't be such a stupid idea if I actually cleaned the bathtub somewhat regularly, but I don't. 

I mean, come on... is it just my boys that do this? Somebody please tell me that my boys aren't the only freaks that do shit like this. You can even comment anonymously. Nobody will ever know it was you. I strongly suspect that I am not alone here. While I am quite the pervert and my mind is constantly in the gutter, this can't be some genetic flaw that I am passing along to the boys. I swear they are typical boys. 

They dance naked, just prior to their baths, and sing, "shake your peee-nis". They bend over in front of the full-length mirror in order to see their buttholes the best. They ask me why I don't have a penis (time to start covering up around them, obviously). They are entirely consumed with their penises and to me, this seems typical. Maybe if I had a penis, I would be fascinated with it, too.

Typical, yes?

More than a bath toy. It licks things.

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  1. This sounds EXACTLY like my boys. I was holding out hope that they would grow out of it (being only 2 and 3 and still often amazed by their own toes) but then I look at their father and his obsession with all things penis and licking. Shit.


  2. OMG - I'm dying over here. With laughter, that is.

    I remember my Mum telling me my brother was obsessed with his penis. He couldn't say the word, so called it his "piece".

    At my Aunt's very churchy, very religious wedding ceremony, when he was 2ish, when the priest said "speak now or forever hold your piece"... my brother stood up on the pew, grabbed his crotch Michael Jackson style, and yelled "I hold it, Nana!!" (He was sitting with Nana - my mother was a mortified bridesmaid).

    Fun times are ahead for me. My sweet baby boy has discovered his piece. Likes to grab on it during diaper changes and bath time. Lovely.

    1. That is awesome!!

      And yes, bath time is prime piece-grabbing time. In their early days, each of the boys have literally entertained themselves the entire bath just investigating their pieces.

      You're in for some fun.

  3. So, my have not licked the tub itself but they do eat the bubbles and cry when it tastes gross. They also don't play with their penises but once the oldest started screaming "it came out of hiding and is about to fall off! I can't let go of it! I don't want to lose it!" Not sure the fascination with their parts but man it's funny! LOL

    1. That is so funny! I can't let go of it! I don't want to lose it! AWESOME!

  4. Nope. Can't relate at all. My kids never drink the bath water and I never have to yell things like, "Don't stick ANYTHING up your brother's butt!"

    1. OH MY!! I am cracking up; I am almost positive I have had to say that EXACT same thing to mine....

  5. We are having our first in September; found out Weds (because I am of 'advanced age,' hahaha) that it is a boy.

    Thanks for the heads-up. Or something.

    1. OH! Congratulations! Hey, at least your "advanced age" got you the gender quicker! Have to cling to the perks...

      And you'll remember this when your little guy is doing very strange things with himself, and you'll know that it's totally normal... at least that's what the majority has been voting! :))

    2. Hey, at least they didn't call you "elderly" at 35. There was serious thoughts of junk-punching when my doc (who was fired after that) said that to me.

    3. Oh my... elderly? What's a 60-year-old, then? Dead? Give me a break!


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