Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Random Mom Thoughts - While Pregnant: 1st Trimester

OH HELL YES! It's another installment of Random Mom Thoughts!

I'm really excited about this post because of this absolutely amazing Microsoft Paint graphic that I made for not only this but also future Random Mom Thoughts posts. AND, I added it to the other Random Mom Thoughts posts, with the corresponding subject for each denoted in the red text. Try not to be blown away by it. I spent hours on it

Please don't thank me. The awesomeness of it alone is thank you enough for me.

**YES, I am being a total dork. With a side of hyper.

***DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT CURRENTLY PREGNANT. This is all from my previous three (AND FINAL) pregnancies!

For this installment, as you can see by not only the title of the post but also by the graphic (HOLY SHIT!), I'm sharing some thoughts that I had while pregnant, but there were so many (I know, shocking) that I broke them up into three posts, for each of the three trimesters. As I've said before, am saying now, and will say again, these are the thoughts that I had and I'm not saying that every mom has them. 

- I'M WHAT? WHAT? HOW THE SHIT DID THAT HAPPEN? Wait, I know how it happened, but really, WHAT HAPPENED?

- (When calling the OB/GYN's office) What do you mean, you don't want to see me until I'm eight or nine weeks along? I'M PREGNANT HERE... I have a thousand questions and I'm freaking out and I... I... need to remind myself that I'm not the first person on earth to ever get pregnant. Calm down. Friends. Friends who've had kids. I'll just call them a thousand times a day and ask them all my questions.

- If I step on the step wrong, I might slip, fall, and crack my head open. Better grip that hand rail a little tighter.

- Why does everything smell weird?

- (For the second and third pregnancies) GREAT! An excuse to let my gut hang out now! No more sucking in! Freedom.

- I miss beer.

- Wait. WAIT. No period for eight-ish months? OH YES.

- How is it possible to be so tired? Is it going to be like this when the kid comes? Am I going to die?

- DON'T MIND ME spitting all over you while I talk to you! Actually, why don't you step back a few feet. And also please ignore the drool dribbling down my chin - I have no idea why I have so much extra slobber!

- Boy or girl? Boy or girl? BOY OR GIRL?

- Look at all these veins showing through on my boobs from the extra blood volume. I look like a zombie. Hmmm... should I take off my bra one night and pretend I'm turning into a zombie to scare Nate? HA! Wait. No, he'd probably shoot me. (Finally, an excuse to shoot that bitch!)

- I can't eat WHAT? Oh wait, I don't eat sushi anyway... but now that I know I can't have it, I WANT IT SO BADLY.

- But is it safe to clean the toilet? No? Oh, it IS? Damn it. Well, the smell of it makes me nauseous, soooo, fuck that.

- I hope I don't gain 75 pounds and get fat. Am I an asshole for hoping for that not to happen? OH WELL. Still hope it doesn't happen!

- It's raining. I better walk twice as slow, lest I slip and fall and land on my belly and hurt the baby. What the hell is wrong with me? When did I get so paranoid about getting hurt?

- I miss wine.

- Wait. The sight and smell of a dirty-ass toilet makes me even more nauseous, so where's the fucking toilet brush? *gag gag*

- When will I actually look pregnant, instead of like I had 75 beers last night? "Pregnancy bloat" can suck it.

- I am not fit to be a mother.

- Maternity clothes already? That must mean I'm gaining too much weight!

- I hope I don't get stretch marks.

- I hope the baby isn't ugly. I'm sure it will be, though. I was an ugly baby. OH MY GOD. I AM ALREADY AN AWFUL MOTHER.

- I miss vodka. Seven more months to go. I can do this.

- Jesus. Maternity clothes are ugly. And they don't even come close to fitting right.

- (This applied with the first and especially the third pregnancy) I don't understand. There are so many women who would give anything to get pregnant and have a child, and here I wasn't even trying for or desiring a child and am going to have one (or three)? It feels so unfair.

- I wish I had an ultrasound machine IN MY HOUSE. I would watch the baby all day long, every day!

What thoughts did you have?


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  1. love it. ha. stay tuned for my special homegrown graphic tomorrow. it is epic. not.

  2. Maybe I’ll just lay down for a minute. I won’t fall asleep, I just zzzzzzzzzzzzz

    What do you mean “extra hair”?

    Oh no no, no cravings at all. It’s normal for me to consume an entire peach pie, send my husband to the store for peach candy, eat a can of peaches, and daydream about a world where peaches are the only food available, and I’d have to eat only peaches for the rest of my life.

    We should totally buy shares in Cottonelle.

    I wish my desk was closer to the bathroom, I'm getting nothing done here.

    *sniffle* that was a cute puppy

    It's perfectly reasonable that you go get me an orange creme slushie from Sonic. At 2am. And that I don't want it when you return.

  3. Thank god I have an ironclad excuse to get out of kitty litter duty. Better google what else I can shirk, too.

    1. OH yeah, pregnant women everywhere rejoice with that one, I'm sure!

  4. i need to learn to read slower. i thought you were preggers again and sharing random thoughts now. I truly believe that the fetus sucks brain matter directly from mothers, so you should have a disclaimer RIGHT AWAY saying you are not pregant, because it took a lot of precious brain matter and time to figure out what you were talking about. Or i could have read slower and not gotten all excited thinking you were preggers again....

    1. No, I can see where it would have been confusing! So I updated it with the disclaimer that I am NOT PREGNANT! Thank you for pointing that out! And sorry for the psyche out!

  5. If inhale my lunch fast enough there's still time left in my lunch break to take a nap.

    PEACHES?! I hate peaches. Why am I eating them?

    Did I just run a red light? Yes. I did.

    Are you crying again? Over that Hallmark commercial? STOP IT! I CAN'T! HELP!

  6. Another one: Should I take pictures of my feet now? will I see ever see them again?

  7. I remember the first time I experienced Pregnant Brainlessness. I entered the grocery store, got a cart, took my usual route to the Produce Section, pulled up to the loose mushrooms, grabbed a paper sack, and went blank. All I could muster was a bewildered sense of Why Am I Here? A very take-charge-looking woman came over to me, took the paper sack from my hand, set it down, and took both of my hands in hers. With a gentle, calm voice she said to me, "It's okay. It'll go away." I looked at her and said, "When?" She replied simply, "In about 18 years."
    I loved that woman. Never saw her again, but have thanked her quietly and often in my prayers. If she hadn't grounded me in that moment, I seriously would've gone into a tailspin and driven myself to the Looney Bin.

    1. Yes, the brainlessness comes in the next trimester post!

      That woman was amazing. I'm so glad she was there to center you!

  8. I had most of those! I think I worried about his looks more often than his health, is that awful?

    1. I think it's because we take that they will be healthy for granted. I was even more focused on my own looks and how I was going to look AFTER than I was on each baby's looks (and I was pretty focused on their looks, too). I'm obnoxiously vain, sadly. It's a huge fault of mine!

  9. I remember thinking: when will my belly get round? Instead of just looking fat?

    OMG I can't drink. I want a margarita.

    Maybe I won't get so fat, my clothes still fit.

    lastly, most often. it's like I'm a ship and this fetus is the alien driving me.

    1. Ah yes, the feeling of your body belonging to someone else... so intense! Thanks for sharing!


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