Friday, March 22, 2013

Kids Are (Unwittingly) Brutal And Trying To Kill Us

Since becoming a mother, I, along with every single other parent in the existence of earth, have undergone an extreme amount of physical abuse - at the hands, feet and basically every other body part of our children. If you really think about it, it's shocking that most parents are still alive and in one piece. 

If the damage isn't inflicted through direct violence, they are so adept at these sneaky, passive-aggressive tricks that are just as, if not more, dangerous. The following are just some of the ways that we've narrowly escaped with our lives or without being maimed.

- Elbow/knee jabs to the balls, face, back, legs, boobs (especially fun while breastfeeding), and stomach (especially fun while pregnant).

- Head butts to the crotch, nose, chin, head, shins, and back.

- The "Let's see how many times we can kick sand into mom's eyes" game.

- Karate Kid kicks to basically everywhere on your body. 

- Kid unexpectedly jumping on us while we're laying on our backs, delivering gut- and nut-bombs.

- Or, the kid unexpectedly jumps on our back when we're squatting down or in some other awkward position, causing face plants, back and knee injuries, and for the peeps with long hair, definitely some hair yanking and loss. 

- The metal "Thomas The Train to the face" classic.

- Let's quietly roll a ball behind mom in the kitchen for her to slip on and break her neck/back/head/arm/leg while hot food spills all over her entire body. Double injury: SCORE! *FIST PUMP*

- My personal fave: Throwing a ball at my face when I'm not looking, and screaming "CATCH" just as the ball shatters my eyeball and then nearly knocks my wine cup of coffee onto my laptop.

- Stepping on the loose skin area on the back of your upper arm when you're lying down. Do you know how fucking bad that hurts? It's shockingly bad.

- The sudden, unexpected noodle legs while we're holding their hand, ripping our arm out of the socket and/or wrenching our back.

- Leaving toys scattered all over the floor for us to stub toes on, step on, slip on. I'm damn near a professional-level ballet dancer by now, what with all the pirouettes and other moves I've had to employ to avoid injury, or from sometimes luckily seeing the toy at the very last second and doing a quick tombe' or whatever to avoid it.

- Let's miss the toilet with our stream (AIM UP! IT'S SO MUCH FUN!) so mom can slip in the piss on the floor around the toilet and bash her head on the edge of the bathtub.

- I can't even count the amount of times my hyoid bone has nearly been crushed.
I wonder if the police would believe Nate: SERIOUSLY, detectives, our son stepped on her throat! I didn't strangle her! I've often wanted to, but I DIDN'T!

- Poop. E-coli-ridden, salmonella-ridden, God-knows-what-ridden poop, EVERYWHERE, just waiting to infect us.

- Vomiting in our faces.

- The baseball bat to the hand trick. (OH, mom, I'm supposed to wait for you to THROW the ball to me, not Barry Bonds crush it while you're still holding it? Sowwy!)

- Their, and their toys', noise level, causing partial deafness or blown eardrums. Or just straight-up insanity. Chose your poison.

- Globs of clear liquid soap left on the floor of the shower by the six-year-old, causing one-footed ice-skating, resulting in the super sexy awkward naked splits while your arms flail spastically in the air.

- I once caught Connor scrubbing the sink with my toothbrush. At least it wasn't the toilet, but that's still practically attempted murder right there. Sinks are disgusting germ-laden bowls.

- I don't even want to know what they drop into our food and drinks when we're not looking. After years of finding random floaters, I've learned to look into my glass before each and every sip. I now guard my glass from my kids dropping in dead flies, chunks of food, boogers, and who knows what else, like I guarded it from roofies being dropped into it in college.

What else? I only have just over six years of parenting since our first Precious (you know, like how Smeagol says, "Preciouuuuuussss" in Lord of The Rings) was born, so I really feel like I'm missing stuff. Also, I apparently need to stop lying down; I've noticed that many of the injuries (and ALL of my kids) have resulted from doing that.

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  1. My darling 10 month old bites (she's had 8 teeth since 7 1/2 months) and pinches. And she has razor nails of death. I have a three inch scratch down the side of my breast that made the hubs pause and say, "Um, what happened?" I have bruises on my arms from where she likes to pinch me while she nurses. It doesn't happen all the time - usually just when I'm not paying enough attention to prevent it.

  2. This post made my day!!!!!!!!!! "- Globs of clear liquid soap left on the floor of the shower by the six-year-old, causing one-footed ice-skating, resulting in the super sexy awkward naked splits while your arms flail spastically in the air." The other night my HUSBAND was the culprit... our 1.5 yo pooped in the tub, so he somehow managed to drip soapy water ALL over the bathroom floor in the clean up process. OH and all over the toilet seat.
    AND as one of natures great jokes is that water is clear... well you get the idea. This action prompted me to interrupt him teaching Pystol how to slay zombies, because you know she should know that right now.. I said 'Hey Babe.. there are EASIER ways to kill me." I got a blank look in return, apparently he was so grossed out by poop in the tub he simply had to flee the bathroom without even tossing the wet towel on the floor on the way out. Which makes me wonder, did he was the kid after cleaning the tub? Or just pull her out covered in poop water and call it good. Really I don't think I want to know...

  3. Yes! The stepping on arm skin thing! I've definitely been the victim of that one a couple times. But the head butts from mine are the worst, with his giant Irish head. He once made me cry. On Christmas!

  4. My husband started unconsciously holding his hands over his crotch whenever the kids would come near. It was inevitable they would somehow find a way to hit him in the nuts, no matter why they were there or what they were doing. I personally love the classic stepping-on-parents-feet maneuver. How is it that they HAVE to walk on the small spot of ground exactly occupied by your feet? Oh, and when they were small they would yank on my pierced earring - somehow even a small post earring can be grabbed by a dexterous baby!

    1. Yes! I have only worn earrings on dates, with no kids in sight!

  5. Noses...I don't think you mentioned how vulnerable our noses are. Oh wait, you mentioned head butts to the nose...I've had one too many of those.

  6. I said something to my husband today about the danger of our daughter crushing my throat. I wonder if 911 could talk him through an emergency tracheotomy in time? I hope so...


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