Thursday, March 28, 2013

Crazy Mom Advice For My Boys: Relationships and Marriage Edition

This conversation happened between Ethan and I the other day:

E: Mom, when I get married, will the person I marry come live with me like you live with Daddy?

Me: Yep, sure will.

E: Well, when I marry someone I know and really like, I'm going to live with her and make her my new mom!

What a great prelude to my next post! Up next in my Crazy Mom Advice series is advice I have for my boys regarding relationships and marriage.


Boys,

First of all, if you treat your girlfriend or wife as if she is your mom, you've got a wake-up kick to the teeth coming. She is your best bud, your partner, not your maid.

Secondly, I'm writing this with the general assumption that you're going to be straight. If you're not, just replace the "she" with "he." 

1. Spend some time alone, getting to know who you are and what you're all about. Don't go from relationship to relationship without any breathing room in between. Before I married your dad, I spent a lot of time alone, figuring out myself and life, and I've never regretted it. It's actually not scary to be alone. It's boring sometimes, but not anything to fear. You get to fart with impunity, watch stupid shit on t.v., put your bros before hos without question.

2. Until you're old enough to have been legally drinking for a few years AND are with someone you can see spending the rest of your life with, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, wear a condom. Oh, what's that? You don't want sex advice from your mom? Too bad. You're going to get it, along with boxes of condoms randomly showing up in your underwear drawer in your teenage years. Enjoy your youth, be relatively care- and responsibility-free, don't contract a disease or tie yourself down with a child when you're still a child yourself. Kids, and some diseases, are permanent.

3. Marry someone that you love and want to be with so much that if you had to, you'd live in a van down by the river with them. Someone who you're planning on staying married to for so long that eventually you're changing each other's diapers and reminding them of who you are every 42 seconds. 
I once heard this analogy and have mentioned it in a previous post, but it bears repeating: Imagine your marriage as being like two pieces of paper that are glued together. Then imagine trying to rip the two pieces of paper apart. The papers wouldn't separate cleanly; there would be so much tearing and shredding and destroying, and in the end, you wouldn't have two whole pieces of paper. They would not be the same as they were before being glued together.
I'm not suggesting sticking out a horrid marriage, but just be sure about the other person before you jump in, and if something is broken, try to fix it before jumping ship. Unless you're the only one trying to fix it and there's no hope.

4. For the love of God, DO NOT become involved with a bat-shit crazy chick. Please. Especially, don't marry her. I'm not talking about the "harmless crazy," you know, like your mom, I'm talking about the "scary crazy," the kind who you never know if you're going to wake up with a knife to your throat because "You didn't do the fucking dishes again!" You don't need that kind of hell.

5. If you think marriage doesn't take work, you're sorely mistaken. Don't become lazy and stop putting effort into it.

6. Have the wedding of your dreams, enjoy it, love it, and then look back in five or ten years and realize how much better that money could have been spent, but never regret doing what you wanted to do for that day.

7. Your Uncle Josh, when he married your dad and I (I KNOW, how cool, daddy's brother married us! Gotta love a pastor in the family!) said that if you always think that YOU are the lucky one in your marriage, then you'll go a long way. Point: Don't focus on how lucky your spouse is to have you, focus on how lucky you are to have her. And if she does the same, your gratitude for each other will be never-ending.

8. Don't cheat. Be better than that. If you're feeling like stepping out on your marriage, then something is critically broken. Figure out what it is and try to fix it before you do something that you can never take back and will alter the foundation of your marriage forever.
On that note, don't do anything that you'll regret later. A real simple way to figure that out is to ask yourself, "Will I regret doing this?" and if you have to ask yourself, then chances are it IS something you'll regret doing. Also, don't do anything you wouldn't want her doing.

9. Give your wife little presents and cards out of the blue. And by "presents" I don't mean leaving turds in the toilet for her to find or your dishes for her to do.

10. Make her laugh. Oh that reminds me, marry someone with a sense of humor, or she will not survive in this family. I'd prefer it if she swears and has a sick sense of humor so I know that we'll get along. 

11. You're going to have bad days, weeks, months. You might even have a bad year, or even several. When times are tough, remember why you married her in the first place. Remember that girl who made your heart skip, your palms sweaty, your ears hot. Remember that girl you couldn't stop thinking about, that girl you didn't want other guys looking at, remember all the things about her that made you know that she was the one.

12. It's good to be comfortable around her, but go into the bathroom and fart. She doesn't want to smell your butthole. Unless she farts on you first. Then it's fair game. Give her some dignity in the bathroom, too.

13. She is not your slave. Get your own damn drink and one for her while you're at it, make dinner for your family, help out around the house, and for fuck's sake, clean up after yourself. I know you'll know how to do this stuff because guess what? You're going to be doing it around MY house before you're released into the world. Your days of being waited on hand and foot ended when you were about 3. And you know what else? I'm going to make sure she knows that you know how to do this stuff. That's right. I'll always have your back, but I'm going to have hers, too. Unless she's a bitch. Then she can fend for herself.

14. She's right, you're wrong. Unless I'm saying she's wrong, because then she is. As much as it breaks my heart to admit this, I'm older, and therefore wiser. Nah, who am I kidding, listen to her. Unless she's crazy. 

15. Don't put anyone before your wife. Not even me. If you put anyone before your wife, and your wife then shreds your balls, you had it coming, plus so much more. Know your fucking priorities. The only exception to this is your kids.

16. She's not going to be a perfect person, so don't expect her to be. Your breath stinks, too. The only time you were perfect was the day you were born, and then you quickly spiraled down into imperfection from there, starting with the first time you peed on me. 

17. When you do things to help her out, make sure they are things that actually help her out, not what you think is helping her out. One really easy way to find out what those things are is to ask, and then not argue with what she tells you.

18. You two are a team. Never forget that ultimately, you're on the same side.

19. Communication is critical, yet is one of the hardest things to be good at and do correctly. Figure out a method that works for you two so that you can work through the big hairy issues that may come up between you, and the small ones, too. 

20. Respect her, and treat her with respect.

21. Don't forget about your old crazy mom. I'll miss you and still want you to bring me a bottle of wine here and there and sit and drink it with me.

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8 comments:

  1. So perfect. I would hope to say and teach the same to my kids at some point!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ah, what a breath of fresh air after that shifty one that went viral a few months ago... "You set the sexual tone for the relationship..." BARF. I'm saving this for my boy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oops. Shitty, not shifty. Although that kinda works, too.

      Delete
    2. Ha, thanks! I try to keep the barfiness to a minimum.

      Delete
  3. I read right up until "She doesn't want to smell your buttonhole." Then my eyes got all blurry from laughter tears.

    ReplyDelete

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