Monday, January 14, 2013

The Puke Story

Warning: There is no point to this story. 

One time, when Brandon was small enough to fit into a BabyBjorn (Remember those expensive pieces of shit?) and I was stupid motivated enough to wear my 15-pound kid in one of those things, along with my 10 pounds of breast-milk-filled breasts, I took all three boys out for a stroll in our 'hood. During this exciting stroll, Connor kind of complained that he wasn't feeling too great but hey, kids complain ALL THE TIME about "thiiis" and "thaaat" and frankly, I was pretty much over the miscellaneous complaining, three kids later.

So I didn't pay much attention to his complaints. Much to my detriment.

We strolled. We got home. For whatever reason (probably to rest my back from the twenty-five pounds of kid and tits hanging off my chest), I decided to sit down in one of the chairs in our house. I don't know what kind of chair it is, a club chair, a wing chair, a striped chair, a what-the-hell-ever-chair, but anyway, it was some expensive (I'm sure) chair that my in-laws graciously handed down to us, even though they knew that our kids were going to absolutely TRASH the chair within minutes of placing it in our home.

But what kind of chair it is isn't relevant. What's relevant is that within one minute of sitting down in this mysteriously-named, expensive chair, with Brandon sound asleep in the BabyBjorn that was still strapped to my chest, Connor walked over to me. He might have said something, he probably did, but all I remember is that I turned my head to the right, looked at him, saw his mouth open, and instinctively closed my eyes and quickly turned my face to the left.

It wasn't in enough time. Connor, as he opened his mouth, projectile spewed vomit all over Brandon's head, my face, the chair, the floor, and himself.

It landed on my fucking lip. A chunk of vomit, on my lip. It was all over the lower half of my face. Someone else's vomit, on my face. I had a vomit goatee.

I seriously hope you're laughing your ass off right now.

I jumped up, and crazily enough, I was concerned about our cream-colored carpet that is already stained beyond any hope of repair. Yet, my concern focused me enough to direct the still-puking Connor to the bathroom five feet away, somehow while ignoring the chunk of vomit on my lip and the vomit all over the lower half of my face.

In the bathroom, while telling Connor to aim his mouth toward the toilet (f.y.i., a two-year-old doesn't understand that directive), still ignoring the vomit on my lip and face, I started wiping the vomit off of Brandon's still-asleep head. I was simultaneously baffled at his ability to sleep through someone puking on his head, and marveling at my ability to ignore the puke on my face to tend to the puke on my kid's head AND tend to the kid that was still puking all over himself two feet away from me and two feet away from the toilet.

What a cleanup job. But hey, I love to look on the bright side (Does that surprise you? I get that.) and this meant that the BabyBjorn actually got washed for once. I mean, really, it was all worth it just so the BabyBjorn could get washed. And no, Amy and Melinda, I am NOT going to tell you which Bjorn of yours - that you so graciously let me borrow - it was he puked on. Mainly because I have no idea.

It was a grand time, a fond memory of my kids and motherhood that is seared in my mind forever.

Apparently, I wasn't partying right in college.

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  1. As a recent mom-survivor a local news making stomach bug in my town, I was cackling OUT LOUD in the office at this post! Soooo gross!

  2. My 7-week old niece projectile spit-up into my brother-in-law's OPEN MOUTH during a cross country flight a few weeks ago. Apparently, all of the surrounding passengers saw it, collectively gasped, and then died laughing.

    I kind of wanted to say, "Remember when you got grossed out by my daughter's poo blow-out and acted like a sissy? Yeah. This is nature's payback." But I managed to restrain myself...

    1. THAT... sounds delicious. And way to restrain yourself; that's a major accomplishment in that scenario!

  3. My friends husband obviously wasn't thinking when he started tossing their son in the air right after she fed him. We all were smiling and enjoying our selves seeing him laugh and have so much fun...and then it happened. He spewed mashed peas right into his mouth and none of us knew what to do to help. And he just spit it out and shrugged it off. I was so grossed out because I didn't have kids of my own at the time and I don't think that I looked him in the eye for weeks!

  4. I almost puked reading your puke story. I have been thrown up on more times than I can count, but on my face may have pushed me over the flippin' edge. Oh how I hate puke. Probably because I have some very profuse pukers in this house.

    1. Sorry... I know, I probably shouldn't contribute when we're already so immersed in it!

  5. My baby's (Oh yea, I had my baby! Adeline is 1 month old now!) favorite thing to do is spit up all over me. Her need to spew is far greater when she or I - preferably both of us - is wearing clean clothes. I hope this is no indicator on how much of her puke I will be wearing on my face when she gets older. Also, I both laughed and almost puked while reading this story, I may have even cried a little.

    1. CONGRATULATIONS, Amy! And welcome to the world Adeline! So my firstborn had reflux and it. was. awful. He puked gallons every day, or maybe it just seemed like it, and guess what? Once he outgrew it, he has not thrown up since. The other two have thrown up here and there but him? Nope. And he's six and a half. So I'm trying to give you some hope but we both know that yours could go either way. Good luck. Have fun with all that, I know how much all the spitting up sucks, sucks, sucks!
      Congratulations again!

    2. Thank you! And thanks for the glimmer of hope for little to no puking as she's older! =)


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