Thursday, January 31, 2013

Random Mom Thoughts - While Pregnant: 3rd Trimester

- Why is that guy staring at me like that? I'm pregnant, not an alien, JACKHOLE. Haven't you ever seen a pregnant woman before? GO BACK TO YOUR MAMA'S BASEMENT, ASSBAG. Oh, he was looking at the drunk bum pissing in the street behind me. Whoops.

- When will I go into labor?

- I just dropped that on the floor. I have two options here: 1. It's staying there 2. Ethaaaan! Can you please come pick this up for Mommy?

- Okay, I have 251 newborn diapers (yes I counted them), 12 onesies, 7 sleepers, 5 pairs of pants, 10 pairs of socks, 16 washcloths, 4 bibs, 382 wipes, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Who knew that organizing baby clothes and counting diapers could be so much fun?!

- What nobody tells you: shaving your legs while enormously pregnant is a MASSIVE TASK.

- Yes, I am still shaving my legs. I already feel gross, I'm not adding hairy, prickly legs to that feeling.

- I should just make a shirt: "I'm due July 12th, it's a boy, his name's Ethan, he's our first, I feel like a fucking beast GREAT, thank you!" Or should I print up flyers to hand out?

- I hate everyone. Just kidding. You, lady who just let me cut in front of you in the public restroom because you "have been there before", YOU are a Goddess.

- Thanks for parking so close to my door, dickwad. Don't you know that I'm pregnant? I have to open my car door really wide so I can get my giant belly into the car, and you just parked a foot away. Fuck you.

- Actually, Crazy Stranger in Trader Joe's, I don't give a crap what your opinion is on pregnant people drinking Hansen's sodas, nor do I care to stand here and listen to your dietary input. Thank you for wasting five minutes of my last two kid-free months. 

- I miss alcohol.

- When will I go into labor?

- Why do all the sick people insist on being in my face? Like, RIGHT UP in my FACE. Are you trying to floss my teeth with your HAIR? Get the hell away from me!

- Wow. It's actually kind of awkward being the center of attention and opening gifts at my baby shower. Who knew?

- Stop kicking my bladder, asshole.

-How is it possible for my entire body to just... hurt? I sit for longer than 10 minutes, I hurt. I stand up, I hurt. I lay down, I hurt. Hurt hurt hurt.

- We named this thing! Now, in what ways are all his classmates going to mock his name? Shit, think! How badly did we just screw your life up, kid? Okay, what rhymes with Ethan? Ethan Pee-than. Ha! I'LL call him that. That shouldn't put him in therapy. Unless he pisses his pants all the time in school or something.

- "Wow, I'm super comfortable" said no 9-months-pregnant woman, ever.

- "Wow, I slept really well, all night long" said no 9-months-pregnant woman, ever.

- WHY AM I SNORING ALL THE TIME NOW? Screw you, "extra fluid and swelling in the membranes" bullshit.

- I'm having a glass of wine. They do it in Europe all the time. YOU'LL BE FINE, BABY.

- My water better not break in public. Should I start wearing Depends, just in case?

- HOW DID THIS DOOR GET SO DIRTY? DAMN IT! I'm cleaning it right now.

- Am I in labor?

- (With the second and especially the third pregnancy) Yes, Everyone In Public, my two kids are flipping out and I can barely get them under control and YES I AM HAVING YET ANOTHER KID. I KNOW, GREAT IDEA, HUH!

- Having to piss every half-hour at night now? Really? Should I just start wearing Depends?

- I have to ride in a car for over an hour? That's like, two bathroom stops minimum. Should I just wear some Depends?

- Aaaand, I have officially lost my dignity for even considering wearing Depends... Considering it more than once.

- Was that a contraction?

- Stop kicking my ribcage, asshole.

- Tits this giant are actually not sexy.


- Am I in labor? Was that a contraction?

- I can't believe Nate is going to be a dad.

- How badly does labor hurt, really? I mean, reallyreallyreally?

- Go to the grocery store? Go to your birthday party? SCREW YOU, MY WATER MIGHT BREAK ANY SECOND. I am NOT leaving this house. Because I am NOT going to leak fluid down my legs in public and be that chick, who everyone remembers for the rest of their life as "the pregnant woman whose water I saw break all over the floor at the grocery store" or "the woman whose water broke at that birthday party and that two-year-old ran right through the puddle before anyone could stop him."

- Am I in labor? Was that a contraction?

- I'm about to be a mom. ME. Holy shit. I'm sorry, kid. I'm sorry.

- Well, would you look at that. That is a giant belly. Oh hi, feet. Hi.

Me, two days before having Brandon (kid #3). Hole. E. Shit.

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  1. That picture is hilarious! I am the type of person who practically gives up shaving her legs in the winter. Except when I'm pregnant. The thought of going into labor with hairy legs scared the crap out of me. Hang in there!

    1. Ha, yeah no hairy labor legs! (And I'm not pregnant, by the way, this was written based on my memories of my third trimesters!)

    2. For the love, I've lost my mind. I know so many people who are pregnant, it seems I just assume everyone and her brother is. So sorry.

    3. NO worries! It seems like everyone I know is pregnant right now, too.

  2. Hahaha I totally didn't want to be 'that teacher' that had her water break in the classroom (it was a carpeted classroom too, double ugh). Aaaand it was a Family Studies class full of hormonal girls all thinking babies are the most precious things in the world and I'm all like, you're 17; don't be dumb. Do you know where the top of my uterus is? Yeah, gross. Remember that. And sorry I spit on you again...yay excess saliva.

  3. I put puppy pee pads in my car, and under my sheet in our bed because I was convinced that if I didn't pee myself, then I'd probably at least have my water break in the most unconvenient place to clean up....

    I did stop short of putting them on my chair at work. I have SOME semblance of dignity*

    *yes I did, and clearly - no I don't.

  4. "Are you trying to floss my teeth with your HAIR?" Best thing ever.

  5. Yes. All of this. Especially the flyers. Also, might I add, that we traveled from Michigan to Myrtle Beach - approximately 910 miles and 18 hours away (pee breaks included) - while I was 34 weeks preggo. I had no idea one's feet could be so GINORMOUS! Stupid me.

    1. *and by travel I mean by car.

    2. That sounds like a good time! We traveled by car for a wedding when I was about the same and yes, it was nightmarish on my feet and ass!


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