"I feel my love for my children the most when they are sleeping."

The phrase "I love them most when they're sleeping" always makes me smile because I identify with the sentiment wholeheartedly. At night, I often sneak into the boys' room and watch them sleep for a few moments, like a crazy stalker taking a break from my rabbit-boiling. They're so sweet and peaceful, vulnerable and unfettered, and usually in some strange, amusing, or heartwarming sleep position that I love to take photos of. 

While watching them, I'm always overwhelmed by these profoundly deep feelings of love, tenderness and affection, and with an aching chest I'll watch them and stroke their faces and just feel, just allow the emotions to wash over me and center me, to clear away the angst that I felt over motherhood that day. In this calm, I'll rest a hand on their chests and quietly tell them my wishes for them: to be safe always, to be healthy, to grow into happy men who do good in the world and to others, to die peacefully as old men in their beds, content with the long lives they led. 

And sometimes, if the day has been excessively rough, I'll also apologize to them. "I'm sorry, babies, for losing my shit, for not being a more patient mother, for being so frustrated. I'm so sorry, and I'm trying to be better. Please forgive me." And I vow that the next day will be better, but know that it probably won't be.

During these times, I feel how vulnerable that I am; that these three little boys are my everything and each of them wears my whole heart, not just a third, because love does not capture only a fraction of a person, it captures the entire being, and love is not divided among my children.

I usually am only flooded with these deeper emotions while my sons sleep because during the day, chaos abounds, things need to get done, time is short, patience is even shorter, one kid or another is always distracting me. Most days, I am just trying to get through the day, trying to prevent or stop the meltdowns of my kids or myself. My mind is distracted, my emotions are hijacked by these little boys, but at night, I get myself back and calm ensues. It is one of my favorite times, not only because it means that I am "off-duty" (kind of) but because it is then that I get to really feel the full force of my love for children, instead of merely knowing that it is there inside of me, a constant force during good moments and bad, never wavering in its depth or lesser or greater at any one time.

I think the phrase should be changed to, "I feel my love for my children the most when they are sleeping."

Connor hugging his bear.

Brandon and Be-yo

Ethan

And because I'm a doofball with a high level of maturity, I also take photos like these. Yes, I'm blind and wear glasses occasionally. Like when my contacts are out.

Me with my poor child, Connor.

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