Thursday, May 24, 2012

One Crazy Story: Part 3

The previous parts of this story can be viewed by clicking here for Part 1 and here for Part 2.

So the IUD has been removed. Nate and I left the ob/gyn's office. Things were tense between us, as we were not seeing eye-to-eye on the pregnancy. 

That night, I was getting ready for bed and I felt pretty severe contraction-like cramps, the kind that start in the lower back and work their way around to the front. They hurt like a bitch; it was as though I was in labor. I was still spotting and I didn't feel very good. I told Nate that I was most likely miscarrying, and he hugged me and we went to bed. 

I laid there, knowing I was losing the pregnancy, and I grieved for the little being that I would never know. I had never (knowingly) had a miscarriage before. My heart hurt, my chest was tight, I had silent tears leaking from my eyes. We weren't expecting this pregnancy, but it hit me as I was laying there, knowing that I was losing it, how badly I wanted it. I told the little sac that I was sorry it wouldn't become our baby, that we wouldn't get to meet it, that it wouldn't get to know life. It tore me up that we wouldn't know who it would have been; in fact, I think that was the worst... who were you supposed to be, baby? I felt incredibly sad that I wouldn't even know if it would have been a boy or the girl that nobody in Nate's family seems to be able to have. And I told it that I wanted it. I didn’t want to lose it. I begged it to hang on, to stay. But, the inevitable was happening. And so I said goodbye. Goodbye little baby. I'm sorry that you couldn't stay.

Even for not having wanted or expected this pregnancy, to feel like I was losing it? To feel compelled to say goodbye? It sucked.

Somehow, I slept. I was so emotionally spent that there was nothing else I could do. The next morning, the pains had stopped, and so had the spotting. But I wasn't really sure what that meant. Am I losing/did I lose it? I went and got the first blood draw to test for the hCG levels. A day after that draw, and still with no more spotting, the results showed increasing levels of hCG: the pregnancy was sticking. Another blood draw, another day goes by, the hCG levels had increased like, a thousand percent, or some phenomenal amount. 

By all accounts, this maternal sac was going to hang around. The lab results on the IUD showed NO fetal tissue or cells present, meaning that the sac had been completely unscathed during the removal. It was all looking good. The next day was Friday, and I was seeing doc first thing in the morning to touch base with all the lab work, and to see if the heartbeat was there.


Before I go on, I feel the need to clarify something. I am not a religious person. I don't go to church, I don't worship, I don't follow the Bible. But I believe, very, very deeply, in something/someone greater than us. We usually refer to that someone as God. I believe in God, I just don't follow any kind of organized religion. But I pray, I believe, I have faith.

Now, that Friday was the first day of the sixth week of pregnancy. The fetal heartbeat shows up sometime in the sixth week. I was seeing the doctor in the morning, at 9 a.m. The night before, bolstered with hope from all of the good test results, and that the spotting had stopped, I laid in bed and said one quick prayer. I asked God that if everything was going to be fine with this baby, and I was going to have a healthy baby (boy, please) in eight-ish months, then please let me see the heartbeat in the morning. I told Him that I had already spent the week stressing out about the pregnancy, whether it was going to keep or not, and please, I was done worrying and could He please just show me that I didn’t need to worry any longer. Show me with that heartbeat.

Then, I immediately wanted to take back my prayer. I mean, the doctor had said that he didn’t expect to see the heartbeat until next week. I was seeing him on the morning of the very first day that the heartbeat could possibly show up. Chances? Not good. Not good at all. 


What had I just done to myself?? I mean, what if it didn’t show up? Then I was going to spend the next few days in utter agony, wondering what was going to happen, wondering if that lack of a heartbeat was God’s answer that it was not going to be okay, OR if it was just too tall of an order and the heartbeat was going to take a couple days to show up and everything was still going to be fine. 


But, I didn’t take back my prayer. I took a giant leap of faith and left it at that.


The next morning, I went to my appointment. Dr. S was totally surprised at my lack of an apparent miscarriage and all the test results. He placed the ultrasound wand and…. 


We saw a heartbeat. Yes. We saw a heartbeat. Dr. S was utterly stunned. He just about sputtered, “That heartbeat was not here last night! A few hours ago! This is the morning of the first day that it could have shown up! This is amazing!” And he actually called it a miracle baby. This, from a doctor who is not prone to dramatics. This, from a doctor who has seen a lot.


I watched that little blurb thumping away and I thanked God. I thanked Him for this little being who was just surviving and surviving and hanging in there against all odds. I thanked Him for easing my fears, for showing me that He was listening (I’ve wondered about that on occasion).

Dr. S finished up the visit, and said that it looks like we (as in, Nate and I, haha) were going to have a baby. I jokingly told him that I was sorry to have ruined his perfect IUD track record. He just shook his head and said, “There are greater things at work here than you or I. Life will find its way.”

So here it looks like we are having baby #3. Nate was not pleased. Some heavy, emotional discussions ensued. He said he was concerned about the impact that three children would have on our marriage. He was scared that the marriage wouldn't survive, and he didn't want to take that chance. And I got that. I really did. Having a child is no small thing, and is probably best done when both parties are on board. I didn't want to force him into having another child; we were already at our limits with just the two. But I could not let this baby go. Not only that, if I felt threatened or forced into having an abortion that I was not okay with having, I knew for a fact that I would resent him forever and then there would be zero chance of our marriage surviving. 


For the record, I'm pro-choice. I've never had an abortion but I in no way will ever judge anybody who has. 


I felt that in this case, how, after ALL this baby has done to survive, could he not see that it obviously has some purpose for being here? Did he regret either one of the two we already have? No? Well, then, there you have it, you won’t regret this one, either. Because we’re having it. That’s it. It will haunt me forever if I don’t give this baby the chance that it is clearly asking for.

Eventually, he came on board. He’s a good father. He embraced, very hesitantly at first, the fact that we were going to be a family of five. I thought that the worst was over. 

I thought very, very wrong. It had only just begun.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Sorry to keep doing this, but I'll post the next installment in a day or two! Yeah, I know... it's not over?? Like I said, it's long, it's complicated, hang in there with me, okay?!

The nest installments can be viewed by clicking on the links below:

Part 4 
Part 5
Part 6


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5 comments:

  1. Oh you crack me up!! You know we'll all be here when you post the next instalment.

    This is better than "high heels to tractor wheels" any day

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    1. Haha! Well, thanks! I do appreciate your loyalty, very much! :-)

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  2. Thanks for making me cry at work ;)

    I got to see my baby's heartbeat for the first time yesterday - it's pretty flippin' awesome!

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    1. That IS awesome!! I'm so glad you got to see that; it's really amazing! Congratulations!

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