Wednesday, January 29, 2014

A Failed Tubal Ligation

My tubal ligation failed.

Yep, I got pregnant again.

I should be surprised, but I am not. After my perfectly placed and still-present IUD failed, and I was taken to the depths of shock and surprise, I guess my ability to have faith and be shocked in the birth control arena has been eradicated. I certainly did not have any faith in my tubal ligation. 

I wanted to. I hoped that I was wrong not to believe in it, but ultimately, I knew.

I even made jokes about it. "Well, if a tubal is going to fail, it's going to be mine!" I told Nate that I didn't trust it and he should back it up with a vasectomy. He didn't. Why would he? Why listen to your crazy wife?

This month, two weeks after missing my period, I was looking at this positive pregnancy test. I felt hollow, I wanted to laugh because it was just so fucking ridiculous, I felt numb.




The next day, I was looking at another positive pregnancy test, and two days after that, I was looking at two more positive pregnancy tests at my OB/GYN's office.

Concerned about an ectopic pregnancy, my OB/GYN (who was in complete denial that I could possibly be pregnant) inspected my fallopian tubes via ultrasound and found nothing. In my uterus, he found what was not a 6-week pregnancy, if we were to go by the date of my last period, but what could be a roughly three-week pregnancy, indicating that I either ovulated very late and was only three weeks pregnant, or the not-viable pregnancy stopped progressing after three weeks and I just hadn't miscarried it yet.

He ordered a blood draw to check my hCG (the pregnancy hormone) level, and that night, I started bleeding. The next day, the results came back with a level of 89, which is pretty low. 

I kept bleeding and knew without a doubt that I was losing the pregnancy. Yet, I was also nauseous with morning sickness. I was having weird starchy cravings and gaining weight. My boobs looked like I had turned into a zombie; veins pregnant with excessive blood protruding across them like a road map.

The blood draw done two days later showed that the hCG level had dropped to 48, which given the amount of bleeding that I was having, was what we expected.

The pregnancy was not viable and I appear to have lost it, and given that I never wanted it in the first place, I am fine. I know those words are harsh, but they are 100% honest.

I am also angry. Not because I lost it; because it even happened in the first place. Not that the world needs more examples of "unfair" but here's a glaring one: There are people all over this world, today, in this moment, who would give anything to have even one child, and I have done everything short of resorting to abstinence within my marriage and I still cannot keep from getting pregnant. What cruel, unfair distribution to those who want to be pregnant and have children and are struggling to or never will. I know some of those people. I have seen the tears and bottomless pain in their eyes, and it does not land on me lightly.

Nate and I were that couple that said, if we never have kids, we'll be fine. We will not take drastic measures to become pregnant, or even find out who has the problem that is preventing us from having children. We will accept our fate. 

And here we have three, with a fourth lost. We never expected three, we never tried for even one of our beautiful boys. I don't understand it, and I never will. It is what it is.

But the world is not fair, and I need to step off of my soapbox.

I now have no idea what to do with myself. I'm thinking of making a cape for me, emblazoned with "Super Uterus," and a cape for Nate emblazoned with "Super Sperm" and we could be some kind of super heroes. We could fight crime! Or better yet, we could spread our excessive fertility to others. The Super Fertiles!

Maybe we could perfect some kind of magical touch. Or a special cape move. "We now pass on our super fertility to you." And then we'd vanish into the night and the recipients will become pregnant over and over and have many babies.

On a more realistic level, I could have the entire length of my fallopian tubes removed, effectively (ha.ha.ha.) cutting off my ability to get pregnant. Nate could get a vasectomy that probably wouldn't take, given our luck. My original tubal ligation was a "cut and burn" kind; the doctor removed a roughly half-inch section of each tube and cauterized the open ends, from what I recall.

In the meantime, the OB/GYN wants to see my hCG level drop to zero before he does anything. The last draw, done a week ago, showed that it's still at 37. I will get another draw tomorrow and hopefully it'll be much lower so we can get on with things. So I don't have to be afraid that if Nate breathes on me, I'll get pregnant.

I guess that's it for now. For once, I don't know how to end a blog post. All I can do is shake my head and say, "holy shit."

Actually, I do have one more thing to say. I took that picture of the test so I could text it to a friend to ask her if she read it as "positive" like I was reading it. (Talk about denial.) And now I am really glad I did, because it's something tangible for me to have of #4 that wasn't to be.

You happened. You couldn't stay, but you happened.




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Comments (44)

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I'm currently pregnant with #4, and my husband and I share the same super fertility as you and Nate. Well - neither of us is "fixed" yet, but we can't walk past wah other in a hallway without a baby to show for it. And every one of my friends has had fertility issues. I feel like a fertility sponge. If I know you and care about you, I will steal your fertility.
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2 replies · active 532 weeks ago
I don't know what to say, other than I am sorry. Sorry that your tubal ligation failed. Sorry that you had to have another pregnancy. That it, too, failed. That you knew immediately what was going on, and that no one believed you (honestly after 3 children, and your last one being as difficult as he was to keep through the pregnancy, you'd think they'd freakin' listen to you, but noooo of course not. Why would you know your own body??) I'm sorry that you have to keep going and getting your blood drawn for these hormone checks. That you haven't miscarried properly, and that you are still waiting on the next step. That you are dealing with all of this bull shit. Because it is.

Being a woman sucks. :( Sending you a virtual hug, and hope that this all gets cleared up quickly.
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1 reply · active 570 weeks ago
I was the miracle baby after my mother lost her first baby (a boy) . My sister, the baby after mom got her tubes tied. My daughter is the unplanned baby; my nephew is the baby no one thought my sister could conceive, let alone carry to term. Every baby is has their own special place, even the ones who don't stay.
I have a dear friend, who had IVF to have 4 beautiful children, and it still hurts that she couldn't have babies easily. It is so unfair.
1 reply · active 570 weeks ago
I can't even...we have 4 ( the last 2 came as a set) and my doc asked if I wanted my tubes tied and I said no (only because our twins were very premature and I didn't want anything final) and my husband had a vasectomy. I was 3 days late last month and I was FREAKING OUT! I am right there with you that I would be praying that I wasn't pregnant. Bodies work in mysterious ways. I hope your doc fixes that shit and get your husband to have that vasectomy!
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1 reply · active 570 weeks ago
I'm sorry for your loss even if it's not really one. My question is do you get a refund on the tubal? At least half off the next one;)
1 reply · active 570 weeks ago
Okay, so now you have me a little worried....I think it is a family thing that we can produce like no other. I also was pregnant when I had an iud, turned out to be ectopic and had to have emergency surgery. Bam pregnant again while using the nuva ring, so after my third and last (praying) I had a tubal ligation......lord help me!!!
1 reply · active 570 weeks ago
Holy shit indeed! Hope you're feeling ok.
1 reply · active 570 weeks ago
I've honestly never been at a loss for words until this moment. Holy shit. Not fair, indeed.
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1 reply · active 570 weeks ago
Wow. I am actually one of those women on the other end of this, trying and failing to get pregnant. It sucks no matter how to our slice it. I wonder if a tubal litigation will help my chances? :)
Take it one day at a time.
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1 reply · active 570 weeks ago
Awe... wow, what a great post. And I love your candid honesty in all that you were feeling. Both the fact that you really were ok with it but also honoring the fact that so many couples try so hard to conceive and it simply doesn't happen. Beautifully said and again, LOVE the honesty.
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1 reply · active 570 weeks ago
I'm sorry for your loss but I do know what you mean by it being a relief. I'm currently on pregnancy number four. My first child passed away as an infant. The next pregnancy ended in an incomplete miscarriage and I had to have a D&C. Third pregnancy gave me my sweet beautiful now two year old son. I'm 35 and we'd decided we were done but I missed my appointment to get an IUD inserted in early January and now I'm about 6 weeks along. My husband is really upset and I am a little nervous. I want my son to have a sibling but I don't want a new baby to destroy the happy life we have now. Sorry for rambling.

I hope you heal up quickly!!
Oh, it's very sad... It proves tubal ligation is not a permanent birth control procedure. I think it's just a waste of money and time too.
I am feeling too bad for your loss... Tubal ligation many side effects and this is one of them. I hope you are feeling better now.
Many people think that tubal ligation is a permanent birth control procedure, but it has many complications and after reading your story. I personally feel that it is just a waste of money and time.
Just stopping by bcs I saw your link on HuffPost. I am one of the other guests and I love how you wrote about other people's pain not landing on you lightly. I carried my baby to term and was blessed with a healthy boy while people I cared about longed for a child. I know THAT feeling well.
Damn. So unfair. I don't even know what to say. I'm sorry.
Failed tubal here. Baby #3 was born Dec of 2013. I know how you feel.
It was fun to figure out how to write our reaction in the baby book. I love this LO bunches but boy was this a wrench in our plans.
Thank you for sharing this article with us . I am sorry for you loss. I didn't idea about Tubal Ligation .
April berdinski's avatar

April berdinski · 528 weeks ago

I have had my tubes cut and burned and whole sections removed TWICE! I am now pregnant and don't know if I am carrying or have an ectopic. Just trying to find some kind of comfort online.
Wow is all i can say. Im so frusterated! I had my tubs tied after my 3rd child who was born with a birth defect and a year later i was 4 months pg. My ob said sorry most likly its a tubal. I was so mad i went for the surgery for nothing! I thensaid ok its ment to be. Then 8 yrs after that i lost a pregnancy 8 weeks in it and 2 years after delivered twins that caused a hernia so i tried to have faith in a different ob and tied my tubs for the 2nd time 7 months ago well im pg again. I will have to go to the doctors office and dea javu!😡
Thanks for this post. Before I read this post. I didn't know about tubal ligation. Now I understood. It is helps to know I am pregnant or not. Thank you again.
I had my tubes tide i 2008 my son is 6 and i just found out that im pregnant but the doctor said it look like a ectopic pregnancy cause she dont see a baby in my uterus but i go back monday and gey a sonogram then we can go from there ,im so hurt and mad at the same time , im hurt cause im pregnant and dont know if im in danger or not or if the baby can live and im mad cause i got my tubes tide and still got pregnant, so now im just going to pray into monday
Thank you for this very honest post and for putting in words what I couldn't. I feel exactly the same way!
I had my tubes tied in 2008. I had my period in Dec 2014 but missed my period in January 2015. I am 47 years old and always have been very regular. Menopause comes early in my family, and because of my age i thought this was "the start"; I had a tubal years ago, it never even crossed my mind that I might be pregnant so i didn't do a pregnancy test... I should have.... I had what I think is a miscarriage at the end of January. I showed my husband what came out of me, and we both came to the same conclusion.
I didn't keep miscarriage product... I should have... I went to my family physician 10 days later and it was clear he didn't believe me. His response was "in my 20 years of practice I've never seen or heard of anything like this". I don't know how this is possible! After searching the internet, it clearly happens often enough... I convince my GP to refer me to a gynecologist and pretty much got the same treatment... they did a blood test which came back negative but the test was done nearly 3 weeks after the event... they tell me it still should have been positive.... I Have three children age 23, 19 and 17. I do not want to get pregnant. My husband and I are very frustrated at the disbelief we have to face. We both know what we saw, and the chain of event lead us to believe that I was pregnant and that I miscarried. What else could it be?? I really want a follow up test to check if my tubes are still tied for one, and to make sure I don't get pregnant again. I am very frustrated that i have to force my way into the system... we just want answers and we want to move on. anyone with comments or suggestions? Thank you for the post it was very helpful!
Thanks for some great points there
An impressive share!
I am sorry for you loss. It's so impressive! thanks for sharing with us...

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