Things That Didn't Need To Happen: Episode 1

This last week, we've experienced some great fun around the MotherhoodADIM house.

- I was walking down our stairs and my foot only touched half the step and before I knew it, I was on my back and thumping down the last third of our staircase.

Honor me by laughing with me here:

Let me tell you, it was only five or six steps but I was terrified as I slid uncontrollably down those effers on my back, a look on my face that was probably "America's Funniest Home Videos" worthy- if only Nate had had the foresight to know I was going to pull a dumbshit move. He super regretted not having his phone camera ready. He said it was fucking hilarious. I believe him.

- I was at the park, chasing after the boys (for fun, versus trying to save them from oncoming traffic) and I tripped. So I'm (for once) running at top speed- those fuckers are FAST- and suddenly I felt the jolt of my toe hitting the upper half of an uneven surface and before I knew it, I was splattered on the ground, my knees exploding and my face a millimeter from smashing into the ground. 

But that pain was nothing compared to the humiliation- there was a group of parents standing about 12 feet to my right- of course they saw it, and before I was even back on my feet, were asking me if I was okay through their held-back laughter.

Yes, I was okay, if you don't count wanting to die from embarrassment.

Side note since you're probably wondering: NO, I was not drunk during either of those incidents. Hmm... maybe that was the problem...

- While trick-or-treating, Connor lost his mind when he saw that someone was giving out chips and granola bars. I wanted to lose my own mind from embarrassment at his bratty-ass behavior.

- After trick-or-treating, back at home Brandon lost HIS mind and screamed for a solid 17 minutes. So, in short, fuck Halloween.

- After the boys' baths or showers, they do this thing where they say, "Smell my hair!"

Well, this:

Brandon to me: Smell my hair!

I smelled it.

Me: It smells so GOOD!

Brandon: Smell my penis!

Me: Um, I'm not going to smell your penis.

Brandon: But it smells so clean!

Me: I'm not going to smell it. Stop.

I really feel like I got an intro into his future pickup lines, and I'm sorry for that.

- The boys were digging into their Halloween treats and the next thing I knew Connor was licking spilled Fun Dip powder off the floor like a complete crack addict who dropped some of his score. Then he and Brandon were bartering jelly bean and other treat trades like a bunch of junkies and you should have heard them. It sounded like a straight-up drug deal. I mean if I ever heard a drug deal go down, I'm sure that is what it would sound like.

- Nate accidentally washed one of Brandon's diapers in the washing machine and eleventy billion absorbent gel balls got all over our clothes.

- Speaking of diapers, why is my three-year-old still in diapers?

- I went on a walking field trip to a pumpkin patch with over 50 kindergarten and second-graders along a busy street and thought I was going to have a heart attack about 4 trillion times. LITTLE KIDS ARE SO HYPER. Then, while watching the crazy show at the pumpkin patch that this crazy couple put on, I seriously felt like I was on LSD. I mean, if I actually knew what being on LSD felt like. 

- Daylight savings. Fuck you. Just... FUCK YOU.

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