Wednesday, October 17, 2012

A Little Terror In The Night

When you look at pictures like this, do you relate to them?

http://iwastesomuchtime.com/on/?i=28377





I certainly relate, have since I was a kid. Growing up with the desert-like hot Oregon summers, where it didn't "cool down" to eighty degrees until about one in the morning, when sleeping I still had to be completely covered by at least a sheet. No matter how hot and uncomfortable I was, ALL BODY PARTS up to my neck had to be covered. 

It wasn't until I got married and had someone sleeping next to me to protect me from the imaginary real monsters that I began to relax a tiny bit, just a tiny bit, about my "keep all extremities under the blankets and AWAY FROM THE EDGES while sleeping" neurosis rational thought.

We're having kind of a hot spell here in California right now. "Indian Summer" my ass. It's straight-up summer, in the middle of October. So in the wee hours of Tuesday morning, I vaguely registered that my right foot had not only slipped out from under the covers, but was also right on the edge of the bed. Of course, it crossed my mind that now the monsters could get it, but in my grown-up state, with my sword-wielding defender snoring away right next to me, I went back to sleep without worrying about it.

I will never do that again.

However long it was later (hard to keep track of time while sleeping), I was jolted awake by a single claw scraping along the bottom of my foot.

Before I even opened my eyes, I had sucked half of my face down my throat in my absolutely terror-filled gasp

Choking on my tongue, I opened my eyes and looked to my right.

There was something STANDING NEXT TO MY BED.

People. I am not a screamer. I'm not even sure I know how to scream. But I was opening my mouth to let out the biggest, most scared out of my mind, "ALL OF MY CHILDHOOD FEARS HAVE COME TRUE AND I'M ABOUT TO DIE AT THE CLAW-LIKE HANDS OF AN ACTUAL BOOGEYMAN BECAUSE I LEFT MY FOOT UNCOVERED HOLY SHIT THIS REALLY HAPPENS" scream when...

I realized that it was Connor standing next to my bed.

That kid is lucky I didn't stab him in the throat. Instead of screaming, I think I gasped out his name, and maybe definitely an expletive, in a terror-strangled voice, and then somehow had the presence of mind to move over and let him into bed (funnily enough, HE was scared; that's why he came into our bed). 

My entire body was shaking and my heart was thumping out of my chest. I'm surprised I didn't literally shit my pants.

I don't know what in hell possessed him to actually drag his fingernail down the bottom of my foot as he walked up to the bed, but he did and he took at least five years off of my life from that single action. 

I laid there for about a half an hour before calming down enough to fall back to sleep. I'm surprised that I did fall back to sleep.

I don't care if it's 150 degrees out, I will never sleep with a single body part (below my neck) exposed ever again.

Ever ever ever.

*And if you smirked or giggled at "I am not a screamer" then I'm proud of you. =D

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37 comments:

  1. Before I was 8 months preggo and Boyfriend was working nights - not sleeping next to me to keep me safe from monsters - I would force myself back to sleep when I had to pee and just wait it out until the morning. Now, I wake up at least three times to pee, and if I forced myself back to sleep I'd probably pee the bed. So, I give myself a little pep talk; "It's ok, there are no monsters. Be brave. Be strong because months from now you'll have a daughter and you can't be scared anymore!" "That's the chair, not the boogyman." "That's the dog, not an evil creature lurking," I tell myself as I waddle as quickly as possible to the dark and scary bathroom and then waddle as if I were being chased by zombies back into bed where I most assuredly make sure that every one of my limbs is protected by the blanket shield. Seriously, when you're a kid you think that all adults are brave - if kids only knew. I'm not ashamed of my irrational fears, I'm glad you're not either. And yes, I did smirk at the screamer comment.

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    1. You know, Amy... I shouldn't say it but I actually contemplated wearing Depends in the last couple of months of pregnancy.

      And oh my gosh, I have totally thought the same thing about kids thinking adults are brave!

      Less than 2 months for you! How exciting! Please don't forget to let me know when that sweet baby is here, and tell me all about her!

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  2. I jump on the bed at night so as not to have my ankles pulled out from under me when the creature under the bed grabs them. True story.

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    1. I spent most of my childhood doing that... and now I do it "just every once in a while." ;-)

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  3. I've worked it so I only have to have my feet covered now. But if the feet are bare, sleep will not come. Even a t-shirt from the hamper will do.

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    1. THAT is an amazing feat of accomplishment! I thought maybe I had a chance at getting there, BUT NOT NOW!

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  4. OMG I totally laughed out loud on this blog! And I almost never lol! LOVE it, keep on writing, funny girl!

    Kari

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    1. Well, thank you, Kari! That's a great compliment, and I will keep on writing! You keep on reading! =D

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  5. That is so funny! Even though we are grow ups our minds can still get the best of us.:)

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  6. True story: Pregnant with my sixth baby slept over at a friend's cottage. The Mr. And I had finally settled in to sleep after a day or cleaning, fixing and opening a cottage for the summer season. Made sure to sleep on the "wall" side where there was no space between the bed and wall. No space that would allow anything sinister to reach out from under the bed and grab me. Fell asleep easily and slept great until I felt something scratching the blankets at my feet. I gasped and it stopped, I lay there wanting to wake the Mr. but feeling rather foolish as it did stop. So I laid down and drifted off only to wake up to something slowly crawling up under the covers at my feet, I could feel it brush against me, wet and furry....I screamed and sat up in bed, threw back the covers and there sat our friends' 3 month old kitten, came in through the cat door wet from the dew and decided to crawl into bed with me.

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    1. OH MY GOD! That damn kitten! Had that been me, it would have been the only time in my life I would have wanted to throw a kitten across the room. But I'm glad it wasn't a real wet and furry monster. ;-)

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  7. At bedtime, I used to walk up to my bed, about 3-4 feet away... and leap onto my bed from there. Get too close... and the "murderers" under my bed would get me by grabbing my ankles.

    Dangerous stuff lurks under beds.

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    1. That was exactly what I did as a kid. AND I also jumped about 3 feet away OFF the bed. They can still get you when you leave the bed, too!

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    2. No not if it's light outside. That's the rule.

      Silly. Lol

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    3. Well, yeah. But for the nighttime bathroom trips, jump OFF the bed AND back ON.

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  8. I wonder what kind of fears my kids will grow up with. They've been sleeping on the floor their whole lives, so no under the bed monsters to deal with. There's no door on their closet, so no closet monsters either. I had this crazy fear as a kid when I transitioned to showers...every time I closed my eyes I thought blood was coming out of the shower head. I'd always open my eyes right away and try to catch it going down the drain but I was never quick enough.

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    1. They'll find something, I'm sure! That's funny about the shower! My shower one is: "Is that an errant trail of water or a SPIDER CRAWLING DOWN MY BACK?!?"

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  9. This is so stinkin' funny! Lack of covers never bothered me, but I never have and never will let any body part hang over the side of the bed. I had no idea so many people had this same fear. Hysterical! I'm going to have to ask my husband tonight if he has this irrational fear, too. And if my son would have done that to me, he would have been kicked in the face. Unintentionally, of course.

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    1. Yes, I'm finding out we're definitely not alone in having this fear!

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  10. I cannot stop laughing! I've had this exact thing happen to me. My 3 year old son has no idea how lucky he is to be alive right now. LOL
    Love your blog! Hysterical!

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    1. Oh my gosh, Paulette! I definitely know how terrifying that must have been!

      I'm glad you like my blog, yay! Thanks for reading!

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  11. This was a much needed laugh for me. I do not have these same fears. I have never been afraid of the dark etc. I cannot sleep with socks on or a tucked in sheet as I feel trapped. My Kids are the same way. I do prefer the closet be closed and that there be complete darkness which makes for interesting multiple trips to the bathroom at night since I have four dogs that spread themselves protectively around the bed at night and I always trip on at least 2 of them as they haven't figures it out apparently that pregnant women have to pee all the time. My irrational fears are spiders, being trapped, heights. And crazy things happening to my kids (abduction, rape, getting hit by a car, getting a rare disease etc.)you know those things you can't necessarily control.
    Now my big strong husband (the tough guy who grew up on the streets and survived 10 years of prison) he is afraid of monsters. Last year we went to the Deaf School's Haunted House in Salem. My husband 14 yo son and I. My daughter was a month old and stayed home with Grammy. It was loud, crowded and campy. My husband the big strong protector was in front, my son the over reactive one was in back. They were going to "protect" me. HAHAHAHAHA! At one point my son had my arm twisted behind my back using me as a shield (he's 7 inches taller than me!) while my husband lets out the girliest scream ahem "manly battle cry", and dove towards the wall. I nearly got a broken hand and a dislocated shoulder but it was worth it to laugh at them. A lot of it was predictable to me and I knew where things were (I grew up in the country in the dark with animals, and spent many late late nights out in the woods. You learn). That said if it felt like something was crawling on my bare foot at night we would have a reaction of epic proportions!
    Love your Blog!!!

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    1. That's funny, Shoshannah! A spider dropped down on my head while in bed a couple of weeks ago. It was NOT okay for that to happen. I get your spider fear!

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  12. Lol, super funny! I also can't let a single limb off the bed for fear of being dragged to hell. who knew so many woman shared the same fear!

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    1. I wonder where we all get it from?! It's almost like it's instinctive! ;-)

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  13. Oh my God... this post is great. LOVED every part and I think we all can relate. I don't let any body part hang off my bed for the same reasons. Also, am I the only one who still ahem, runs down the hall at night when turning lights off? Damn childhood fears.

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    1. I watch my back, too, going down the hall!! Ha, love that I'm not the only adult who does that still!

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  14. Two things:
    1) I TOTALLY identify with being terrified about the edge of the bed. In fact, I would say up until I had a college roommate, I slept with the blanket (couldn't be just a sheet) pulled up around my my whole head so only my eyes and nose stuck out (I had to be able to breathe and see what was in the room).
    2) I was a really bad sleeper when I was a little kid. Sometimes I would get up in the middle of the night and stand next to my parents' bed, and just stare at my mom, because I was afraid to wake her up. Inevitably she was always woke up (who doesn't when someone is STARING at them all Children-of-the-Corn style as they sleep) and inevitably I always scared the shit out of her.
    Now I think I have to go write a post about this, and the things my dad did to scare us when we were little kids...things he thought were funny, but things that I'm pretty sure have made me semi-scared of the dark to this day. Issues, we've all got 'em.

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    1. Yes, you CANNOT block your line of sight to the rest of the room AND ESPECIALLY THE DOOR.
      You should definitely write a post about what your dad did to scare you! It'll be cathartic, if nothing else! ;-)

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    2. For me when I was a kid, it was the closet. Mine never had a door, it was awful. Also, that was one of the places my dad favored for scaring us from.

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  15. Nearly peed my pants reading this!!! Too funny! I still need a blanket on me to sleep, even with hubby in the bed beside me...and I always think of the urban legend about the lady who slept with her hand dangling down over the edge of the bed, and then the dog would lick her hand. Only one morning she goes downstairs and finds that something or some one got her dog....so who/what licked her hand that night?? Creepy. Heard that story when I was little and it has always stuck with me...

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  16. I am not necessarily scared of monsters under the bed, but I do assume every clown I see is a serial killer. If I woke up and saw one standing...I can't even finish this sentence without breaking into a sweat. In any case, I do have the creepy 4 year old that does the "stare at mommy till she wakes up and tries to swallow her tongue to keep from cussing at me" night visit. If she ever does that as a clown, she won't survive.

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    1. HAHA! That's funny! One of my good friends is terrified of clowns. I don't mind them, but I can see how they freak people out!

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  17. I too have the hands and feet must stay on the bed issue... Another one is that I battle with myself about turning on the toilet night when I pee. I tell myself that if I turn it on, my eyes will adjust to the light and I will lose my night-vision, so it will be worse going back down the hall way... but I still turn the freakin' thing on. Can't stand the idea of peeing in the dark!!

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