Thursday, April 26, 2012

Pregnancy Insights: Maybe you'll turn into a fat ass, maybe you won't.

I need to let you in a little secret: There is no rhyme or reason as to how much weight you will or will not gain during your pregnancy.


Now, I suspect that you may be sitting there and thinking, "Well, if I eat right and exercise, I'll be fine!"

Sorry, but I'm here to burst your bubble. No, not just burst it. 

See, I thought that at one time, too. I've been pregnant three times, and each of those times has its own little story about weight gain. Each time, the amount of weight that I gained had absolutely nothing to do what I ate or how much I did (or did not) exercise.


Once again.... sorry. (Pop) (BOOM)

The first time, I ate right and exercised. I was such a douche that I actually kept loose mental track of how many grams of protein and ounces of water I consumed each day. 

I'll wait while your laughter subsides. 




I mean, for the love of God, I am supposed to eat x amount of grams of protein, I better damn well make sure I do! First time mom, much?

Like I said, what a douche. I want to slap myself, so no need to do it for me. And if you're pregnant and currently keeping track of your diet like your life depends on it, you just keep on doing that and ignore silly old me over here. Anyway, the point is that I did everything "right", and I blew up like a pervert's doll. No matter what I did, no matter how long I walked each day and dropped like a dead fly onto the couch afterward, twitching like a crack addict from the exertion, I kept gaining excessive amounts of weight.

Baffled and angry, I called my good friend and she assured me that the same thing happened to her. We bitched about how frustrating and unfair it was. And I'm pretty sure that she was secretly gloating and laughing her ass off at me, and was pretty excited that I finally was getting fat. See, we went to high school together and back then, I stuffed my face with ungodly amounts of sugar and doughnuts and fast food and pure crap and everyone accused me of being anorexic, I was so scrawny. And she would claim that just looking at the Twinkies (yes, plural) that I'd be stuffing in my face would cause her to gain 5 pounds (which wasn't true... she looked JUST fine). 

So yes, she was laughing her ass off at me. Don't try to deny it, Dibs. ;-)

I know there are a bunch of assholes out there who were just waiting for the day I got fat so they could gloat and point at me, splitting their mouths from laughing so hard. 

I have gotten completely off track. So basically, don't think that just because you're doing "all the right things", you're in the safe zone of weight gain. You might be horribly surprised. (However, do not let this discourage you from doing "the right things".)

At the time of my second pregnancy, I was still packing 25 of the 48 pounds I gained from the first pregnancy. The first five months of it, I lost weight. No, I was not sick. I have no idea why it happened, but it did, and I was not complaining. Not at all. I looked better at 5 months pregnant than I did ten months previously. Sad. And the kicker? I kind of ate like shit and I didn't really work out, because it caused contractions. Oh, damn it.

After I stopped losing weight, I ended up gaining about 13 pounds. So it was a wash. But it made no sense. That was the pregnancy I should have blown up on. No exercise, and I spent the last 6 weeks of it on bed rest because Connor tried to show his pretty little self at 31 weeks. I guess, when your entire body atrophies from lack of use, the muscle loss drops the scale's numbers. That makes sense.

The third pregnancy, I didn't exercise because I was scared of a repeat preterm labor situation, I ate what I felt like (most of it would fall into the "healthy" category), and I gained about 25 pounds. Right what I was "supposed" to gain. 

So. There you have it. No rhyme or reason to any of it. And if you're one of those who genuinely does not care about their pregnancy weight gain, awesome. You're a bigger person than me - although, probably not when I was nine months pregnant with the first.

Anyone care to share their pregnancy weight stories? I'm thinking no....

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  1. When I was pregnant, I was chunky to begin with. Then I got all knocked up and had en excuse. It was awesome.

    My whole pregnancy I gained 35lb. Not that my doctor told me any of this. I asked once and he said "you are going to obsess about it, and I just don't think that's necessary. You're eating fine, you're drinking fine, you're doing fine".

    So I weighed myself obsessively at home.

    After I had the little dude, I lost 40 pounds within a month or so. But my SHAPE had changed. Not so wonderful.

    Sadly, Jillian Michael's 30 day shred is not on my wishlist, and the zumba for PS3 move is still shiny and new in the package.

    1. Oh, your doctor sounds like mine... he was like, I'll tell you when to worry, your weight is fine! And he added that the only reason I should be "worried" about my weight gain is that it might be harder for it to come off after the baby. Uh, yeah, it has NOT been easy!

      Yep, the shape change thing is no fun, either. Ugh.

  2. .... and I'm eating a "new bigger size" bag of nacho cheese doritos.

    Operation Chunk-loss is not exactly a screaming success

  3. I've blocked the numbers. All I know is that after 2 babies, I'm only 10lbs heavier than when I began. And yeah, the shape changed. I suspect the whole 10lbs is sitting right around my belly.

    I guess I should really do something about that huh? Maybe later.

    1. I think the belly is where most of my extra weight is, also! Such a flattering look.... :/

    2. I just checked out some of your blog, Robin... we have MANY of the same opinions! (The toys in particular... fuck those things. I wrote something similar a couple of months ago!) I'll be checking back for your new posts!

  4. Without the complete details, I exercised a little, ate 'okay', and gained 45 lbs with my first baby. She weighed 7 lbs. 7 oz. --- With my second baby, I ate RIGHT, exercised A LOT, and gained 46 lbs...he was 8 lbs. 14 oz. --- Are you ready for my third, and most confusing calculation of pregnancy weight nonsense?? I exercised NEVER, ate whatever the crap I wanted, when I wanted it (often times in the middle of the night), and gained a whopping 26 lbs, and gave birth to a 9 lbs. 11 oz. moose baby. Try and make sense of that.....

    1. Ah man... I can't make sense of it! :) One of the world's greatest mysteries, this pregnancy weight gain thing....

  5. I must start by saying you all have my permission to call me a bitch. I was stick thin before I had kids. I'm talking 5'10" and 115 lbs. With my first, I gained about 30 lbs. After his birth (at 6 lbs 2 oz), I lost a good 25 of it. Which was fine with me. I needed to gain some weight anyway. With my second and third I gained about 35 lbs per, and lost about 30 lbs per. Almost immediately. Boy 2 was 7 lbs 15 oz and boy 3 was 7 lbs 1 oz. Boy 3 is now a year old and I'm sitting still at 130-134 lbs, depending on the day. I never exercised (unless you count running around after preschool-aged boys, because they're all three years apart) and i ate whatever the hell I wanted with all of them. As far as where the weight went, my hips got wider and my ass got bigger. If only I could have put some of it into my chest, I'd be THRILLED!! Sorry for any jealousy that ensues!


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