Thursday, May 23, 2013

It's Not You, It's Me.

Here are some things I've had to break up with in my parenting days. Most of them I don't actually even care about, so this isn't to be taken as complaining. Some of them, in fact, I even celebrate the loss of.

Since my kids now know how to write and draw, we're breaking up, Hallmark. Gone are the days of dropping $3-4 for a piece of lightweight cardboard imprinted with meaningless platitudes for the receiver to toss in the garbage mere hours after receipt. Instead, our friends, family, and random people from school are treated to dramatic crayon scenes and unintentionally phallic drawings on cheap colored paper. And I love it. No more wasting 15 minutes trying to find the least stupid card in the store, or just plain blowing it off and saying, "Sorry, I didn't get you a card, here's your present, though" and hoping they don't care.

Watching adult television- no not that kind of adult television- before the kids go to bed is impossible if I want to actually hear it or pay any kind of attention to it. I rarely watch TV anyway, but I remember when all three boys were really little (4 and under) I once tried to watch a movie in the middle of the day while baby Brandon napped and the other two played with their Play-Doh. I nearly cried from the frustration of not being able to. Not because the movie was that great or important to me, but because it was frustrating to not even be able to do something as stupid as that. I've since come to terms with the fact that daytime TV watching isn't for me anymore and traded her in for her way more flexible younger sister, DVR. 

Wine glasses break and/or topple over way too easily. Not a fan of your fragility, wine glasses, see ya. Coffee mugs and tumblers it is from now on. I cringe when a guest in my house wants to actually be classy and drink out of a wine glass. Then I watch the glass and its proximity to my boys and their flying objects like a hawk. CHAMPAGNE TASTES THE SAME OUT OF A RED SOLO CUP, PEOPLE.

No, not sunglasses made of velvet; sunglasses made by Velvet, the company. My face is very narrow in my temple area, making sunglasses tough to buy- they're all too wide. Velvet is the only company I've found who makes sunglasses that fit my narrow face without having to resort to buying kid's sunglasses (oh the horror), but they cost about 100 bucks. The first time my son broke a pair, I was stupid enough to replace them. When the replacement pair was (unobserved by me) grabbed by one of the boys and tossed over the side of the stroller somewhere in the mall and lost forever, I started buying cheapos from Target and enduring the too-wide frames. Velvet, I love and miss you. Sometimes, I lovingly stroke the only memento I have from our relationship- the fluffy pink drawstring bag a pair of shades came in- and remember all the good times we had. We'll get back together again when my boys are older, if I can afford you. Actually, I probably won't be able to. Goodbye, my love. (Picture Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber when he was driving the limo away from the airport and rear-ends someone while saying "Goodbye my love" to Lauren Holly. I DIE.) 

Who likes hot food, anyway? Especially eaten uninterrupted? Fuck that noise. It's no longer a meal unless I get up to wipe a butt, break up a fight, stop the boys from throwing toys into their window blinds, dry a kid off, kiss a boo-boo, and feed half of my food to my kids. Goodbye, warm meals. You were too high-maintenance for me. Eat you right out of the oven/BBQ/stove/microwave and within 10 minutes? NO. *SLAP*

This, my friends, is a truly painful breakup. I used to constantly wear high heels. I'm 5'6" but people (even close friends and family) always thought I was way taller because nobody ever notices that your footwear has boosted you several inches. I LOVE HIGH HEELS. But I love not breaking my ankles more. With the boys around, I may have to suddenly dart after one of them to keep them from getting hit by a car or jumping off a railing into a ravine. It is such a treat when I can slip on some heels. I feel at home again; like MYSELF again.

What have you had to break up with? I changed my comment platform- everyone can comment now!

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