Thursday, April 26, 2012

Pregnancy Insights: Maybe you'll turn into a fat ass, maybe you won't.

I need to let you in a little secret: There is no rhyme or reason as to how much weight you will or will not gain during your pregnancy.


Now, I suspect that you may be sitting there and thinking, "Well, if I eat right and exercise, I'll be fine!"

Sorry, but I'm here to burst your bubble. No, not just burst it. 

See, I thought that at one time, too. I've been pregnant three times, and each of those times has its own little story about weight gain. Each time, the amount of weight that I gained had absolutely nothing to do what I ate or how much I did (or did not) exercise.


Once again.... sorry. (Pop) (BOOM)

The first time, I ate right and exercised. I was such a douche that I actually kept loose mental track of how many grams of protein and ounces of water I consumed each day. 

I'll wait while your laughter subsides. 




I mean, for the love of God, I am supposed to eat x amount of grams of protein, I better damn well make sure I do! First time mom, much?

Like I said, what a douche. I want to slap myself, so no need to do it for me. And if you're pregnant and currently keeping track of your diet like your life depends on it, you just keep on doing that and ignore silly old me over here. Anyway, the point is that I did everything "right", and I blew up like a pervert's doll. No matter what I did, no matter how long I walked each day and dropped like a dead fly onto the couch afterward, twitching like a crack addict from the exertion, I kept gaining excessive amounts of weight.

Baffled and angry, I called my good friend and she assured me that the same thing happened to her. We bitched about how frustrating and unfair it was. And I'm pretty sure that she was secretly gloating and laughing her ass off at me, and was pretty excited that I finally was getting fat. See, we went to high school together and back then, I stuffed my face with ungodly amounts of sugar and doughnuts and fast food and pure crap and everyone accused me of being anorexic, I was so scrawny. And she would claim that just looking at the Twinkies (yes, plural) that I'd be stuffing in my face would cause her to gain 5 pounds (which wasn't true... she looked JUST fine). 

So yes, she was laughing her ass off at me. Don't try to deny it, Dibs. ;-)

I know there are a bunch of assholes out there who were just waiting for the day I got fat so they could gloat and point at me, splitting their mouths from laughing so hard. 

I have gotten completely off track. So basically, don't think that just because you're doing "all the right things", you're in the safe zone of weight gain. You might be horribly surprised. (However, do not let this discourage you from doing "the right things".)

At the time of my second pregnancy, I was still packing 25 of the 48 pounds I gained from the first pregnancy. The first five months of it, I lost weight. No, I was not sick. I have no idea why it happened, but it did, and I was not complaining. Not at all. I looked better at 5 months pregnant than I did ten months previously. Sad. And the kicker? I kind of ate like shit and I didn't really work out, because it caused contractions. Oh, damn it.

After I stopped losing weight, I ended up gaining about 13 pounds. So it was a wash. But it made no sense. That was the pregnancy I should have blown up on. No exercise, and I spent the last 6 weeks of it on bed rest because Connor tried to show his pretty little self at 31 weeks. I guess, when your entire body atrophies from lack of use, the muscle loss drops the scale's numbers. That makes sense.

The third pregnancy, I didn't exercise because I was scared of a repeat preterm labor situation, I ate what I felt like (most of it would fall into the "healthy" category), and I gained about 25 pounds. Right what I was "supposed" to gain. 

So. There you have it. No rhyme or reason to any of it. And if you're one of those who genuinely does not care about their pregnancy weight gain, awesome. You're a bigger person than me - although, probably not when I was nine months pregnant with the first.

Anyone care to share their pregnancy weight stories? I'm thinking no....

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