Friday, December 14, 2012

Random Mom Thoughts - While Pregnant: 2nd Trimester

It's another installment of Random Mom Thoughts! I must clarify once again that no, I am not pregnant... these thoughts are what I remember from my previous pregnancies (mostly my first). And if you're surprised that I remember anything from that far back (2 to 6 years ago), trust me, I am too!

- WHEW! Out of the first trimester!


- (During ultrasounds) Aw that's actually a baby in there! Doesn't look like an alien anymore! Aw, I could watch this thing all day long!

- FIFTEEN POUNDS IN A MONTH?? What the hell? I knew I was going to get fat. (Not baby belly fat. Like ALL the hell OVER fat.)

- At least I finally look pregnant. I think.

- WAS THAT A FIRST KICK? Oh yeah, bring it, baby!

- Maternity clothes SUCK MONKEY BALLS.

- I think I can smell Nate's fart from three rooms away. Holy shit, what did he EAT?

- Jesus Christ, a beer has never looked so good. Fuck it, I'm having a sip. Oh sweet Jesus, that tasted so good. I'm having another sip. Fuck it, I'm drinking a third of the bottle. Okay, half. Okay, half PLUS an extra sip or two or three. Okay. I'm stopping. It's empty.

- OH HEY EVERYONE, IT'S A BOY!! Oh hey, I guess we should stop saying "it."

- What the hell do we name this guy? How badly are we going to screw him up because of his name? I mean, we're going to screw him up no matter what, but I'd like what we named him to only factor in a little bit.

- Suddenly, pork chops are the devil. Never mind that I could eat them up until yesterday, WHY ARE THEY SO DISGUSTING NOW?

- Since when is the smell of bacon gross? Unbelievable! IT'S BACON! Oh my God, it smells so bad that I have to leave the room. The house. The neighborhood.

- Hey, where's my brain? Oh, there you, wedged nice and high UP MY ASS. How/why does pregnancy make me so stupid?


- (First pregnancy - OBVIOUSLY) Holy shit look at that kid freaking out like that. What a little bastard. And LOOK! His mom's not even doing anything about it! That will never be me! I mean, sure, my kid will act up every once in a while, but I am going to have shit under control!
***YES, I can hear your smirky laughter from here. I'm laughing at me, too.

- Okay, the kicks are getting a little stronger. That one to my full bladder? Not so excited about it.

- Did Nate just open a package of pork chops? He did! Oh my God, the smell. Is he trying to kill me?

- Yes, I'm pregnant and buying beer and wine. No I'm not having a party. No, it's not for me, it's for the dude that knocked me up and now has to tolerate me. Stop looking at me all sideways like that. I STILL CAN SEE YOU! I can smell the judgment wafting off you like a cheap perfume!

- Oh hey is that a sandwich? Throw some cake on top, please.


What were yours?

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  1. Oh, cool 2nd Tri - I'm not so tired. But, whyTF does back hurt so FUCKING much?

  2. I wonder if I should get a sign to hang around my neck "pregnant, not the victim of a pizza buffet"

    Are those my FEET?

    Oh. I dropped a pen. I'll just get another one. I don't feel like bending down to get that one.

    FUCK. All the pens are on the fucking floor. Fine. No bills will be paid with checks today.

    I CAN HANDLE IT IM PREGNANT NOT AN INVALID!! But if you felt like fetching me a caffeine filled soda, I'd love you forever. No wait. An orange creme slushy.

    Yes I can eat this, yes my doctor knows, no I don't give a fuck about why you think I shouldn't be eating this. Thank you for your concern. Fuck off.

    Oh, hey - yeah, it's a boy. No I wasn't wishing for a girl. No I am not going to "try for a girl next", I haven't birthed THIS one yet. One at a time, hmmm?

    Perhaps I may have been a touch cranky during all three trimesters.

  3. My random mom thoughts were:

    “Just don’t know if they’re complimenting my health or they’re saying I’m just fat.”

    “When will this baby come out? Wait, I’m starting to miss the kicks in my tummy.”

    “Please. Please. Don’t put your head on my belly. O you did. What do you expect to accomplish now? You want to have a conversation with my baby?”

    “I want your sandwich!"

    1. Ha! Those are great, thank you for sharing! I especially liked the first one!


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