Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Random Mom Thoughts - While At The Park

Here's another installment of Random Mom Thoughts. 

I really, really don't like parks but find them to be necessary evils. How many of you have similar thoughts while at the park? 

- How many piles of dog shit are laying around for my kids to step in?

- Is that kid being murdered or does it just SOUND like it?

- Hi there, little fella. Could ya stop staring at me while you're obviously filling your diaper? Kinda creepy. Go stare at your own mom, okay, stinky cheeks?

- Hey, son, you look the exact same going down the slide as you did 327 times ago. I swear on all that is holy, I DON'T NEED TO WATCH YOU AGAIN.

- Here's to hoping the boys won't make me have to take them into the disgusting restroom here, but knowing that one of them probably will.

- WHY is that random GUY just SITTING IN HIS CAR in the parking lot?

- Oh my God, my ears. MY EARS.

- Does every adult find parks to be as mind-numbingly boring as I do? Most? Half? Ten percent?

- Shit. Here comes a mom. Time for "Ninety Questions" - the answers not being anything either of us actually gives a shit about.

- I don't understand myself. I am dying for adult interaction, yet I dread it when someone actually talks to me. Well, I really dislike glib small talk. The stupid "How are you" nonsense is the worst, especially when I'm calling customer service. SHUT THE FUCK UP and just let me get this billing crap over with, please! I've been on hold for nineteen minutes to clear up your company's error, DON'T ASK ME HOW I'M DOING! YOU DON'T CARE! WE BOTH KNOW THAT! GAAAHH! 

- Jesus, parks can really work me up.

- Oh, look. That baby is chewing on a cigarette butt. Heeeyy... mom of baby... look at your kid... theeere ya go.

- I probably dread social interaction because I usually say really weird or totally inappropriate stuff. I mean, I only talk to kids all day long...

- Shit. OF COURSE my son has to take a dump right now.

- Don't guys realize that THEY SHOULDN'T SIT AT A KIDDIE PARK ALONE? Don't they realize it's CREEPY? Obviously not.

- I can't wait to just go home.

- Really, Brandon? You just put a dandelion in your MOUTH. What in hell possessed you to do that? And guys say they can't figure out women. What about kids? Who has figured out kids?

- I wonder: Are we going to pick up the flu virus, hand-foot-mouth disease, or just the routine cold from here?

- Kids are the Eighth Wonder of The World. Hmm. What are the other seven? Stonehenge, I think. Atlantis? Pyramids? How about periods. Ha. 

- Well, this is embarrassing. My kid can now run faster than me. I'll try to save face by blaming it on my flip flops. 

- I'm also out of breath. I'm definitely blaming my flip flops for why I can't chase them any more. Can't be gasping for breath when telling them why, though... dead giveaway.

- Should I call the cops on this random guy who obviously is not here with a child? WHAT is he doing here? Well, it IS a public place. I guess he has every right to be here. But what if he's a 290 reg (registered sex offender here in California)? Ugh. Just go away, dude.

I wonder how many slivers the boys will get from this bark dust. I love slivers.

- This mom is actually pretty cool. Glad she started talking to me. But I'm totally conflicted... she's very, very obviously pregnant, like, about to POP. But I'm still scared to ask her when she's due. WHAT IF SHE'S NOT PREGNANT? But am I rude to not ask her when it's literally right in front of my face? What do I do, what do I do? Why doesn't she just casually mention it or something? THIS IS WHY I hate talking to people.

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  1. I am always conflicted when people talk to me too. Do I show them the real me? Or do I attempt not to scare them away too fast?!

    That said, I bonded with a chick in Walgreens last night. She had given birth 5 days ago, had a sick 20 month old and two foster kids. Some dipshit overheard us chatting, and said "oh yeah, my mom used to take in foster kids. She wanted to make money, but not leave the house - so she took in kids". The guy was in his 50s. We were not talking to him. We were not talking loudly.

    The chick and I exchanged looks that said it all.

    I'll never see her again, but we had a moment.

    Oh, and I wish people had acknowledged my pregnancy. I just looked fat, and figured that's why no one commented on it.

    1. Yeah it's always fun when strangers jump in with their weird shit!

      I've had a few exchanged looks, mom-bonding moments with other moms out in public, usually when another parent or child is doing something horrific.

  2. It's weird, I want people to mention that I'm pregnant but when they do I feel annoyed. Meh, I'll just blame that on the hormones too. I can't wait to go to the park, I can only imagine the thoughts I'll think. Crap, the tiny human is not even out of my body and I'm already speaking in Dr. Seuss...

  3. hahaa!! I could comment on every one of those random thoughts, but I'll just stick to one. I'm super awkward when strangers start making small talk with me, especially about my kid. Some guy at the store the other day (who looked WAAAYYY younger than me) started asking about my 18-mo daughter and said, "I remember when mine were that age, they grow up so fast." And I had no response because I was just trying to figure out if he was a teen dad, and I also rarely have a response for those cliche things people say just because they think they're supposed to say them (i.e. "they grow up so fast"). So I just stood there awkwardly staring at my daughter and nodding. It only got worse when he asked if she was my first, I hate when strangers get personal.

    1. Ha! Now see, I'm the kind of person that would have blurted out, "WOW, were you ten when you had them?" accidentally furthering the awkwardness. I put my foot in my mouth a lot. ;-)

    2. I don't think that would have been any worse than my awkward and uncomfortable silence!

  4. This is the post I wish I wrote two Theme Thursdays ago...

  5. Try being the one dad there who has a toddler who just wants to go crash the mom-group party having a picnic next to the playground. It's not that I mind not having other dads around...I can occupy myself just fine zoning out and staring at the clouds or counting leaves or whatever.

    But then my daughter has to go and try to steal cookies from the tray on the blankets, which means I have to go make small talk and try to extricate my daughter knowing this the MOM's picnic, we can't just make ourselves at home.

    "Addison! Stop trying to take that woman's i-phone!" And of course the other parent tries to make it seem like it's all okay, but you both know it's not.

    1. Aww! I love seeing dads at the park; they're so much more fun to talk to than the moms a lot of the time.

    2. I actually don't mind it, usually, because being the lonely dad means I have a good reason for being kind of awkward. It masks the fact that I'm awkward in EVERY social situation I find myself in.

  6. So glad I'm not the only one with these thoughts! Parks are creepy, dirty places! I'd so rather my kids play in a mud puddle in the forest, but we find ourselves in these fake plastic worlds often (all the fun stuff is long gone!) and though I'm craving human connection, too, I dread someone actually talking to me. I can't stand small talk either!

    1. Good to have a fellow park- and small-talk-hating person out there! We should meet at a park and not talk to each other! Ha.


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