Friday, March 2, 2012

Have a baby and I will CLASS IT UP for you.

So I met a 3-month-old newborn today, a day after he was born. Yes, you read that right. No, I am not drunk. Sadly. Anyway. Some good friends had their baby and this kid is a beast. A straight-up beast that was so big, his mama needed a c-section, two doctors pushing/pulling him out of the incision, AND a vacuum to get him out. His thighs are the circumference of my wrist, if not bigger - and I am not bird-boned. He was 10 pounds, 9 ounces. Previously, the largest newborn I had seen was around 9 pounds, 7 ounces. This baby blows that other baby out of the water. His cheeks are wider than the top of his head by about an inch on either side. 

I call him Triple B. He is the cutest, fattest thing I have ever seen and I LOVE him. LOVE him. Not like his Mom does, but damn it if I don't have a special spot imprinted on my heart for him. He is the rock star of all rock stars, and my boys are going to teach him all kinds of shit, like how to bend over in front of a mirror in order to see his butthole the best, how to pull his penis out of the top of his diaper and piss on the floor like Connor did on Triple B's mom and dad's floor (so they're used to it already), and how to dance while naked and singing "shake your peeee-nis." 

But that is not the entire point of this post. I want to show you a photo of what I looked like walking into and through the hospital. 

Before though, a little background. When we had Brandon 1 1/2 years ago, these same friends brought us a giant double bottle of Cook's champagne. You know, the 1.5 liter bottle instead of the wussy 750 ml, regular-sized bottle. Because they know us, and they know that the wussy regular-sized bottle would only be getting us started. 

So, to return the favor, I took them the same thing, from us and another friend who is out of state at nursing school. Except, when I pulled into the parking lot, I did not have a bag for this sexy beast of a bottle. I usually have about 700 reusable cloth bags in the back of the car but Nate had cleaned the back out for his bike to fit last week and the box they are in has not been replaced. 

So I got to walk from the farthest end of the parking lot, and into the hospital and maternity ward with this giant bottle of cheap wine. Because you know, that looks really good. I had only Brandon with me, and I tried to carry him and hide it between him and me, but the thing is so damn big, there was no chance of that happening. It's literally the length of his torso and head. And of course, when we entered the hospital, he decided to shriek and cry for a minute, further calling attention to us and this monstrosity. 

So basically, I classed it up. Because that's how I roll.

And congratulations to the Bs on Triple B. You don't see it right now because you are in such incredible love with that chunk of burning love, but someday probably very soon, you are going to be grateful for that massive bottle of Cook's. You might even just mainline it out of sheer desperation - chugging it will take too long. I understand.


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  1. Jill! Thanks! It's all Cook's. They make anyone adorable.

  2. LOL 10 lbs 9 oz IS big. I know just how big as my daughter (bornVBAC) was 10lbs 8.3 oz and had a 14" head. Let me just say contractions have NOTHING on the ring of fire! My friends all have normal sized babies. I think the biggest was 8lbs or something. Seriously. My son was 9lbs 6 oz, which frankly is big enough.
    Drawback to big babies, take the newborn diapers back to the store 'cuz Darln' they don't fit. And don't get a lot of size 1 either 'cuz big babies grow just as fast as the others only they start out bigger so you end up at the nine month checkup with a 24lb 30" tall two year old that can't walk because she's really only 9 months, but nobody believes you. Combine that with the fact that I'm 5'2", which means my daughter is 2" shy of half my height at 9 months. Yeah people think I'm lying, until I say look at her brothers! Those hulking teens are her brothers she's just trying to be in the running. Her sister is not a giant like everyone else and resents it. I tell her don't worry short people have it the BEST! We never hit our heads on dumb shit hanging from the ceiling or doorjams. If we can't reach something we can get a ladder, climb, or yell at the boys to stop in the middle of their super fun video game to come get something out of the cupboard or off a shelf (Which I do as often as possible because it amuses the hell outta me!) AND as little people (well I'm fat so little no longer applies but...) we can get into places the giants around us never could so there!
    I read somewhere that when you have two kids really close together in age the second one will generally be smaller due to lack of nutrients in your body and you know out of sheer self preservation (See I didn't hurt Mommy the way you did NEH) So I said something to my daughters dr about it and I thought she was gonna pee herself. (As my daughter is now 10.5 mo old and just starting to walk and I'm due with our little surprise I'm a bit earlier than you wanted baby in January when she will be ALMOST 15mo.) She tells me nope. I really doubt it, have you noticed yours get progressively bigger? Gee Thanks Doc! Way to burst that bubble!
    Congrats to your friends Big babies are fun!!! You don't feel like they are going to break if you breathe hard!

    1. Wow, you definitely know about big babies! Yeah, this "little" guy was 20 pounds at 3 months. He is such a chunk of love! I hope for your sake that the next one is nicely sized and easy on you!


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