Friday, December 2, 2011

The Travel Diaries, Part 3: My Kid The Sex Offender

The first and last parts of this series can be viewed by clicking here (#1)here (#2), and here (#4).

So we're in Oregon for Thanksgiving and making the rounds of visiting friends and family. This includes visiting some friends that we met while they lived in California but later happened to move 30 miles away from my hometown in Oregon. They also happened to have had each of their kids at the exact same time as us, with no more than a couple months separating each kid in the years that we had them. So we're over at their house with 2 five-year-olds, 2 three-year-olds, and 2 one-year-olds. Well, to be precise, their one-year-old was a couple of days from turning one. As if this wasn't chaotic enough, we learned that Brandon, our 14-month-old, has a "thing" for babies of his age.

Allow me to clarify what I mean by "thing". To begin, the name of the poor baby of Brandon's age is Madelyn, goes by Maddie. Brandon became obsessed with this girl and by obsessed I mean would not leave her alone. Apparently, the kid LOVES babies. He kept touching her face, eyes, hair, legs, whatever he could get a hold of, while trying to "talk" to her in his baby babble. He followed her around and kept climbing all over her while she did her best to fend him off. We tried to keep them separated by putting Maddie back in one of the bedrooms to play with the other kids. Well, like a hunter to its prey, Brandon found her before we knew he had left his own little play area, and when I walked back into the bedroom, this is what I encountered:

Maddie was on her hands and knees, desperately trying to crawl away while Brandon was mounting her from behind. I kid you not. He was on his knees, reared up behind her, grabbing her hips to hold her place while he was trying to crawl up over her back to do God knows what. The look on this poor, poor little girl's face as she was trying to escape the clutches of my child was heartbreaking. Brandon, of course, had the biggest shit-eating grin on his face, and squealed like a stuck pig when I ripped him off of her. I took him out to the living room, and sure enough, faster than you can say "rape", he had gone back and found her again. This time, Nate went to rescue her, and when he returned with a protesting Brandon, informed us that Brandon had her down and was trying to kiss her neck. Left with no other options, we enclosed him in this little play area and blocked him off as best as we could. He was crying and trying to get back to his girl (victim) but I told him that that's what happens when you molest people - you get thrown in jail.

Finally, it was close enough to dinner time that Maddie's parents were able to place her in her highchair and therefore protect her from my little rapist. They kept her there until her bedtime, basically. I have a feeling we won't be invited back the next time we're in town, nor will they come visit us the next time they're in California, I'm sure.

Adding to this, a couple of days later we learned that Brandon does not discriminate in his choice of victims. Nate and my mom took him and his brothers to an indoor play place and Brandon decided to go after a little Asian boy. It's good to know that he's neither racist or sexist, and loves babies of all races and genders. The father of the little Asian boy- not so happy. My mom said that he was getting pretty pissed. Gee, I wonder why.

While I know that he's just being an innocent little baby who is merely showing his love and affection for others in inappropriate ways, I am glad that I worked in a jail several years ago - I'm already prepared for what to expect when I go visit Brandon there in 20 or so years.

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  1. Thank you for making me laugh while on, now full blown, bed rest!!

  2. Hey you're welcome! I'm sorry about the bed rest situation... I'd like to say that it'll fly by but I'd be lying. Try to look on the bright side. There will be many, many, MANY days to come where ALL you'll want to do is crawl into bed and just stay there. Not that it helps you now. Take care of yourself and that sweet baby, and we'll be sure to keep him away from Brandon lest he be a bad influence on baby or try to mount him....

  3. Spy Kid - You have found your calling. Jesus, your writing is amazing. I feel like I am right there. You had me laughing so much. I will find the time to stalk your blog and get my fill. You write things that are real, genuine and raw. :) Lety

  4. Lety, awww, thank you so much!! What high compliments! I am so glad to make you laugh and that you are going to stalk my blog! Love it, stalk away! For easier stalking, if you want, you can "like" my facebook page for it, too, then you get updates of new blog posts:
    Miss you....


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