Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Awkward Moments in The MotherhoodADIM House

Warning: This is a disgusting story. 

And, apparently, I feel like embarrassing myself.

Friday, my mother-in-law had the boys for the afternoon and evening (HOORAY). Nate was at work, and I was ALONE! About 15 minutes before she was to bring them home (by my incorrect estimation) I decided to hop in the shower.

Actually, let me preface this with two things:

1. I don't like to be naked in front of anyone except the dude I married.

2. Generally, I don't talk about a particular monthly event that women experience, but because my dignity has been ground into the dirt by a shit-covered shoe, and for the sake of the post I'll say it: I was on my period. 

Before my shower, I peed, but didn't flush because I knew that in ten more minutes, I was going to be on the pot again to "situate things" (seriously, further detail is not needed). I mean, I'm alone, gloriously alone, what does it matter if I don't flush for ten minutes?

I got in the shower with our clear glass shower doors and what do you know, not one minute later, Connor (5) busted through the bathroom door. As he started telling me something about losing a shoe, Ethan (7) busted in the bathroom, too. 

Ethan started looking in the toilet, of course. As I was cringing and dying inside and bracing for uncomfortable questions I didn't want to answer, by some pure miracle, he casually and silently closed the lid to the toilet without asking any questions about why there was blood in there.

I was so, so grateful. 

But that's not all. 

Then he started curiously staring at me through the clear door. Like, not at my face. BECAUSE THAT'S NOT AWKWARD. So I told him, "Hey, look away. Thanks!" He looked away, and I thought, Yay two awkward moments in the span of 5 seconds. Livin' the DREAM. Then they left.

But that's still not all.

Suddenly, Brandon (3) busted through the door. And, following right behind him, my mother-in-law. So now I'm naked, in the clear-door shower, in front of her. Because that's not awkward, either.

This was shaping up to be a really great shower. HEY WHY DON'T WE INVITE THE NEIGHBORHOOD TO WATCH ME, TOO?

But that's still not all.

Brandon had to pee, so much to my horror, my mother-in-law lifted the toilet lid, exposing my mess. I was so embarrassed. 

So she got to see it while trying to pretend that it's not there and also pretending that I'm not naked right next to her or whatever she was thinking while helping my youngest son pee.

Seriously, right next to her. The bathroom is small because the builders put the vanity area outside of it, like a hotel room. So the bathroom is like, 4 feet wide. Here's a bird-eye view.

The thin line is the clear shower door. 

And this was my face:

Edvard Munch's The Scream

For fuck's sake. In the span of one minute, I was embarrassed beyond measure (my own fault) and to counteract all that embarrassment, I'm telling the whole world about it.

It's so cathartic.

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