Thursday, September 19, 2013

Shit For Sale

So I have some kid things we no longer need. Let me know if you want any of them.

1. Britax car seat. It's only been puked in 53 times! Honestly, the crusted vomit stuck in the Velcro doesn't even stink anymore. Neither does the pee or poop from the 300-400 leaky diapers over the years. Or the sour milk stains. Seriously!
AND, a bonus! About 17 petrified Cheerios, 10 rock hard fruit snacks, and the moldy granola bar crumbs come at NO extra cost!

2. Assorted threadbare, stained, and ripped boys clothes, size 2T. They've been through three or more kids, surely they can handle one more kid using them as a napkin, snot rag, bike flag, staircase surf board. I mean, really, an item of brand-new clothing is at the very least stained and ripped after just one or two wears. IT'S LIKE THESE ARE NEW.

3. Napkins. Brand new, still in bag. Because I've given up. (See #2.)

4. A bike. Since apparently our seven-year-old, who is a whiz on a skateboard, is not relenting in his refusal to learn how to ride a bike.

5. Moon Sand. Because fuck that shit. And Play-Doh, too. FREE BONUS: The 2000 boogers and crumbs of random petrified food stuck in it are all yours.

6. Some broken shovels, some random toy parts, a few orphaned power cords, and miscellaneous puzzle pieces. Surely you can concoct something from this. A time machine? An AM radio? An emergency transmitter in a zombie apocalypse?

7. Kid's books. Most of them even have almost half of their pages! The rest, about 30% of the pages remain. And noooo, the teeth marks in them do not mean that we didn't feed our kids and they resorted to eating the pages. 
Hint: Don't question what the random stains and nastiness on them is. They're not Playboy issues, for God's sake. 

8. A plastic free-standing basketball hoop. Missing the net, and several gallons of moldy water have collected in the base! Spiderwebs INCLUDED.

9. A completely thrashed toy cash register. It's missing basically everything, like the play money, the belt for the checkout items, the handle for the scanner, and I don't even know what else but IT STILL TURNS ON. Miraculously, it still turns on. Win.

Will accept alcohol in lieu of cash. Hurry, come grab these items before I list them on Craigslist, where they will sell LIKE HOTCAKES.

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