Monday, June 10, 2013

Once Upon A Time A Mom With Small Kids Tried To Get Through A Voice-Promoted Telephone System, But Instead She Stroked Out And Died. The End.

You know the voice-prompted telephone system (VPTS) or whatever it's called, where you have to speak into the phone which option you want? And the system never gets it right and you have to repeat yourself a thousand times and it picks up every single ambient sound except for your voice and by the time you actually get through the system you're the closest you'll ever come to being homicidal?


The person who invented those special kinds of hell clearly does/did not have children, and should be damned to spend eternity locked in a small cell with no less than five small kids hyped up on candy and juice, and he/she has to use their own hellish, horrific system to call out for EVERYTHING. Like to go to the bathroom, to get a meal, EVERYTHING. So that each and every conversation, every single day, all day long, will go like this:

VPTS: Hi, welcome to Your Life Via Telephone. Please say what we can help you with. For instance, would you like go to the bathroom, request a meal, request a beverage, request a book, request fresh laundry...

Inventor: I would *kid screams in background*

VPTS: Did you say, "Go to Italy?" I'm sorry, that is not an option.

Inventor: No, bathr- *kid whispers in background*

VPTS: Did you say, request a meal?

Inventor: BA- *kid talks to another kid in background*

VPTS: I'm sorry, I did not understand what you said. Please repeat your request.

Inventor: DAMN IT KIDS, WILL YOU BE QUIET FOR TWENTY SECONDS! BATHROOM! BATHROOM!

VPTS: I'm sorry, that is not an option. Please repeat your request.

Inventor: BATHROOM! *kid screams at last second, just when he/she thinks he/she finally got it*

VPTS: Okay, great, you are requesting a book. Please say which category you would like your book to be from. Mystery, Romance, Action, Western, Autobiographies- *kids talks in background* Okay, Romance. Please-

Inventor: NO! I SAID BATHROOM! BATHROOM!

VPTS: I'm sorry, I did not understand your request. 

Inventor: Bathroom *kids drops a toy in the background*

VPTS: Did you say, "Batman?" If so, say "yes." If not, say, "go back."

Inventor: GO BACK! 

VPTS: Hi, welcome to Your Life Via Telephone. Please say what we can help you with. For instance, would you like go to the bathroom, request a meal, request a drink, request a book, request fresh laundry...

Inventor: BATH. ROOOM- *kid sneezes in background*

VPTS: Did you say, "Bachoo?" I'm sorry, that does not appear to be an option. Please try again.

And then the inventor would piss him/herself and stroke out from the stress of it all but since dying would be a mercy, he/she would magically be revived and have to keep doing it. 

FOREVER. 

I think about this fate for the inventor every single time I have to use one of those systems. Usually, I don't wish for bad things to happen to people, but this is the exception. Even without kids around, using them is hell upon hell and I'm ready to rip a person apart with my bare hands by the time I'm done with the "conversation." After, of course, unlocking myself from the bathroom I had to hide in, cowering by the aromatic, piss-covered toilet with my hand cupped over the mouthpiece, or unearthing myself from the pillow-barrier fort I had to construct and hide under to block out some of the extraneous noise.

I know I'm not alone in my feelings here. 

***Don't worry, the kids would not be stuck in there forever, too. They would be on rotating shifts, with like, all the kids in the world, so none of them have to be in there for any longer than they want to be. And they'd have candy and juice for the hour they were in there, so please, they'd be happy as clams. And then they'd get to go to Disney World or Bollywood, or wherever their hearts desired, after. 


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