Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Moving Is A Disgusting Excavation Into Your Life

Holy hell, HI! I think this is the longest I've ever been away from my blog. In case you didn't know, we moved, and I've figured out that moving is a disgusting excavation into one's life. Or my life, whatever. I mean, holy shit: ALL THE CRAP.

It's amazing what you realize that you don't need when 1. You have to move it, and 2. You don't really have room for it, and 3. You realize that YOU ALREADY HAVE SO MUCH CRAP BECAUSE YOU'RE SEEING IT. ALL OF IT ALL OF THE TIME.

I feel like I've gathered up some helpful tips in this process, and I'd love to pass them along to you. You might not be moving anytime soon, but you could possibly still benefit from some of this, or perhaps just enjoy some of the stories.

1. Moving is 1 million times easier if you have less stuff to move. One way to have less stuff to move is NOT LET IT ACCUMULATE IN THE FIRST PLACE. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm yelling. I am- at myself. Let me show you a small example of what I mean. I packed up my perfume vanity thing. Beforehand, I thought, "Okay, I'll just wipe the dust off some of these older bottles and toss them in this box. Easy, it'll take like, two minutes."


It took forty minutes. Why? Because I have a metric fuckton of perfume and body spray and lotions. You'd think that with this much scented stuff, I'd constantly smell like cotton candy farts but I don't. Because I never use them. And then I buy more when I smell something that smells good and because I have a damn Bath and Body Works coupon, and shove it on the shelf with all the others, and then the next thing I know, I move and realize that I could perfume an entire brothel for a year with the amount of stuff I have.

And believe me when I say, this wasn't all of it. Who needs this much crap? My new vow to myself: DON'T ACCUMULATE SO MUCH STUFF.

2. This next tip makes packing go way slower but you'll thank yourself for it when you're unpacking: Clean your stuff before packing it. Seriously.

3. As soon as you suspect know you're moving, get packing. There is so much stuff that you don't really use regularly that can be packed up. Like books, pictures, decorations, expired condoms, out-of-season clothes, extra dishware. 

But if you don't (like most people) have a giant random empty place to store the boxes for a month, there is a simple fix: Put the boxes back where the stuff would usually go. For instance, I packed up the books on our bookshelves, then stored the boxes on the bookshelves. I know. WHAT a genius. I packed up extra kitchen stuff then shoved the boxes in the cupboards. Viola.

4. You might have noticed the bright white labels on the boxes. Labeling is important and will seriously save your sanity later. I chose to put the ultimate destination (kitchen, boys' room, master bath, etc.) on the top part of the label, then also labeled what was in the box. OCD much? You bet, but 200 boxes that say "kitchen" on them will not help you find the one that contains the knife you need to hack your feet off at the end of moving day. 

5. As you're clearing out all your crap and realizing what you have that you don't really need, you might want to do a yard sale. Yes, having to put together a yard sale on top of dealing with packing and moving is a complete nightmare, but it really does pay off in the end. Literally. We got rid of so much stuff, and made a very, very nice chunk of change. 

But nobody is going to come to your yard sale if you don't properly advertise it, and by properly, I mean, enticingly. Signage is critical, and when you make signs like this, you might draw a few extra people in based on your sense of humor alone.

Note what's written in the red circle. And yes, the address was legible on the sign; I made it not legible for this since I have no idea who reads this blog. I know we don't live there anymore, yet, I feel compelled to block out our old address so, la de da. Anyway, a blogger buddy wrote this post on how to do a smokin' garage sale. You might want to check it out before you do your next sale.

6. This next one is a biggie: Try not to be too horrified when you pull all of the furniture away from the walls and see the disgustingness behind them. Dust, old food crumbs, dirty socks that are probably a year month old... shudder. I'm still traumatized; will be for a looong time. On a related note, when you're not moving, pull even the big, heavy furniture away from the walls every once in a while and clean back there.

7. When you get your new refrigerator delivered, it's important to get the critical stuff chilling right away.

8. I'm genuinely shocked that more people don't murder their spouses during the packing/moving/unpacking process. Oh wait, that's a random observation, not a tip. I'm also shocked that "temporary insanity due to moving" is not an acceptable defense in court.
**I know, I know, wait until we remodel... Mm hmm.

9. This may seem obvious, but it may not immediately come to mind when you're stressed out and half-insane from the move: When unpacking in your new house, it is important to "remap" your brain as far as where your stuff goes. 

For instance, we always kept the cutting boards with the flat ovenware in this giant cupboard thing in our old place. Well, our new place doesn't have a giant cupboard thing, and the boards and ovenware didn't all fit together and I was on the verge of panic and a nervous breakdown from all the stress and thinking that our new kitchen is so small and ohmygod the world is ending and then suddenly, my mind snapped back from the brink and I thought out of the box and realized that the cutting boards just needed to go somewhere else. Stress really does cause your mind to shut down sometimes.

10. Accept the inevitable. I'm still working on this one. We moved to a brand-new place and we have three small boys. I love my brand-new place. It's so pretty and shiny and clean. It doesn't smell (yet), everything (mostly) works, and it's ours (and our mortgage company's). The day we got our keys, Brandon ran cars along the newly painted wall and broke the closet door off the track. The boys were at the house for approximately two hours, and I had to clean all of their hand- and FOOTprints off the walls. 

Then Ethan stuck a gooey foam sticker on the (once again) newly painted wall, and the only way to get the sticker off was by scraping it and most of the paint off, and repainting that section. Oh, and Brandon threw a metal-framed pumpkin thing at the gigantic picture window and I thought he was going to break it (the window) and I nearly lost my mind. I realize that in the grand scheme, these are small, unimportant things, but until I finally accept the defeat that I know is coming, they are big.

11. Another observation: glass shower doors + hard water = ONE BIG SUCK. Nate Rain-Xed the doors, yet we still have to squeegee them after every shower to keep them from looking disgusting (and they still kinda do). I feel like I'm wasting minutes of my life after every shower. 

It's not that I'm lazy (I am) it's that I have better things to do than stand there and squeegee the doors, like have a drink, sleep, yell at my kids, go to Costco, open seven drawers until I finally remember which one I put the Ziplock bags in. It's almost enough to make me want to skip several showers. I mean, I have enough perfume to mask any smells.

12. One last observation: When it rains in our new neighborhood, it smells like wet dogs. Disgusting. 

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