Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The Smurf Murderer

You know how when you have a kid who is on the verge of potty training but still in diapers, they like to crap in isolation and peace? Not, of course, on the actual toilet in a peaceful, isolated bathroom, mind you, but anywhere else, and you know to leave them alone lest your presence frustrates and offends them? 

It's usually a nice change from them walking right up to you and making uncomfortable, unwavering eye contact with you while they push out a loaf, but sometimes, leaving them alone can backfire.

Yesterday, Brandon was taking care of his personal business, so I thought, so I left him alone in his room. Then I heard him shut the door to our master bathroom and I thought, OH HEY GREAT! He's transitioning to crapping IN an actual BATHROOM!

He was in there for a long time, too long. I checked on him, bracing for his red-faced wrath and screams of "NO!" for violating his personal crapping space. The first thing I saw upon opening the door was that he was playing with a container of floss.

I don't know why THAT was what I saw first...

Because this is what he looked like:


Yeah. He apparently strangled, then ate a smurf as if he were starring in some smurf snuff film, or awoke in a smurf zombie apocalypse. 

Okay, really, he had just gotten into his brother's stamp pads and went to town. Then I took in the scene in the bathroom and it was like I was a homicide detective investigating a violent, bloody smurf homicide.

There was blue everywhere.

It was smeared all over the door. It was all over the toilet. I lifted the blue-smeared toilet lid to discover that the water was blue, and the victim, a stamp pad, was sitting in the bowl. He had tried to flush the victim of his crime.

There was blue all over the counter and his dad's drawer. He had it on his pants. The floss he had pulled out of the container was streaked with blue. He was apparently on the verge of strangling another victim with it in his homicidal rage.

I yanked the floss from his hands while trying to lecture him and then... I lost it. 

I started laughing uncontrollably because Jesus Christ, it was fucking hilarious. I was mad, but, OH MY GOD, look at the kid! It's so bad when you're trying to be mad at your kid and telling him that what he did was not okay, but busting up laughing instead. Then I made it even worse by pretending that I wasn't laughing and still tried to lecture him through my hysterics.

OHGAHDAMNIT! Of course he saw through it and started laughing with me. 

But I totally think that he still got the message that what he did was wrong.

(He didn't.)

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