Thursday, May 9, 2013

Random Mom Thoughts- While Changing a Diaper

It's another installment of Random Mom Thoughts! This one has to do with my thoughts while changing a diaper- or seventeen thousand. And of boys, for the most part.



I'm sorry it's so crude, but... consider the subject matter.

AS A NEWBORN

- Wow, pee shooting into my eye stings like a mother!

- No thanks on the golden shower. NO THANKS.

- Aww, pee streaming down the wall really adds to the decor. So you're telling me you like stripes, baby?

- Please don't spray shit everywhere please don't spray shit everywhere please don't spray shit everywhere. 

- Ooohp, there goes shit spraying everywhere. It's like it literally hit a fan! Are baby colons what power washers are made of?

- The baby is in front of me, yet I have pee on my BACK. Amazing.

- I have reflexes like a cat now. Spraying poo and piss? NO PROBLEM. *BOOM, diaper block, martial arts duck, karate hand guard. Good to go.*

- This is the fifth, seventh, tenth, eleventh, twelfth shit of the day. Holy shit. 

- Why don't they sell like, 500-count boxes of these diapers? And for the same price as the 236 count, thanks.

- WHEN CAN I START POTTY TRAINING THIS KID?

AS A BABY, AFTER SOLIDS

- OH DEAR GOD HOW CAN IT SUDDENLY SMELL SO BAD?

- Last I checked, I have a human child, not a rabbit child who craps rabbit pellets?

- Things I never thought I'd think: I am a pro at wiping shit out of ball crevices.

- If you're going to poop in the diaper five minutes after I change you, can you at least pee in it, too? Come on, son!

- HOW did you soak your shirt and the side of your pants during your nap, but your diaper is entirely dry?? Oooohhh, that's right: BABY BONERS.

- WHEN CAN I START POTTY TRAINING THIS KID?

BLOWOUTS

- OH DEAR GOD HOW CAN HE HAVE THAT MUCH POOP IN HIM? It's in his SOCKS and UP TO HIS NECK!

- A full-body space suit or tarp would not have contained this mess.

- This had to happen in public? Of course it did.

- WHEN CAN I START POTTY TRAINING THIS KID?

AS A TODDLER

- I actually just pulled a long, stringy piece of something (lettuce? spinach? fruit roll up? leaves?) out of his butthole. OUT OF HIS BUTTHOLE, like a magician pulling a never-ending rope of scarves out of a hat. Damn, that was awesome. (It wasn't awesome.)

- Hey when you squatted under the dining room table to crap, you could have squatted over your truck toilet instead. Just sayin'.

- I could have just paid for 1/3 of t-ball or paid half of the water/garbage bill or bought two cases of Two-Buck Chuck or a week's worth of dinners for you guys with the money I spent buying diapers and wipes for the month. SUCK.

- He needs to learn how to chew his food better...

- It's a Nuclear Nugget: A radioactive nugget of a turd that's concentrated with the stench of a thousand turds.

- How is it possible that your crap smells worse than an outhouse that 10,000 bums with moonshine and Taco Bell-diarrhea hangovers shit in? HOW?

- WHEN WILL YOU START POTTY TRAINING, GODDAMMIT?

WHEN CHANGING SOME OTHER KID'S DIAPER

- Oh sweet Jesus, can I get a witness? I WANT NO QUESTIONS ABOUT WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED HERE.

- Uuhhhh. I just wiped poop out of a vagina. 
(SORRY that was crude but I don't have girls! IT'S WEIRD FOR ME, OKAY?)

- The poo of kids that didn't get sliced out of my uterus smells 6,000 times worse than my own kids' poo. What "they" say is right: It really is different when they're your own kids. *gag gag* Can I get some gloves?





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