Thursday, April 11, 2013

The Secret Behind The Sex Drive Death

Mom, don't read this. In-laws, don't read this, Uncle G., you especially, don't read this. Actually, any family, don't read this.

Now that we have that out of the way... 

People. People. I have figured out the answer to the age-old question of why some moms (and some dads) no longer want to have sex.

I know, I know, duuuuh. It's because parents are so tired after taking care of the kids all day that the last thing they want to do is "take care" of someone else, if you know what I mean.

I'm no biologist or sex therapist or whatever, but while the above reason may be a component to lack of sex drive after parenthood, I don't think that's the entire answer.

So what is the answer? 


Let me explain. In my totally unscientific way.

Scientists say that the human sex drive stems from a deep-rooted, primal instinct to spray our (or receive the) seed every chance we can, reproducing and therefore ensuring the survival of our species. I totally, 100% get that... up until we succeed in fulfilling our biological urges and actually have kids.

Then, I believe that that instinct shuts down, out of self-preservation. It's not that we don't want to have sex, or that we're too tired (well, some days, YES, that's DEFINITELY the case), I think that the part of the brain that controls our sex drive shuts down so that we don't risk doing anything that has even the remotest chance to result in another child. Even those of us with pretty rock-solid birth control in place. We ALL know that every form of birth control has a chance of failing, except abstinence. 

I mean, think about the horrid days of tantrums, puking, screaming, poop smearing, 1,097 whys. 
*Not, of course, to be confused with the predominant, and extremely numerous tantrum- and scream-free lovely days of unicorns, "yes Mamas", magically clean floors, a laundry and dish fairy visit, alcohol-fueled leisurely lunch dates, 4-hour naps and 12-hour nights.

So, you have a horrid day or hundred, THEN your spouse hits you up for some poking and you find yourself taking his fucking head off. 

You think it's because you're tired. Which you are. But I think that it goes deeper than that. Without even realizing it, you're saying NO to the reproduction aspect of it all. 

I mean, this isn't the Stone Age anymore. We are no longer in danger of being overtaken by cave lions or rabid giraffes or whatever and our species becoming extinct. There are enough of us now. More than enough. So, we've evolved, and while we still have the basic biological need to reproduce a little bit, the stress and occasional overwhelming angst of raising a child or 3 or 4 or 10 eventually shuts down our desire to produce more.

BOOM. I mean, some days, performing a back-alley hysterectomy on myself, while pass-out drunk, with a dull, rusty knife and no current tetanus shot sounds preferable to the idea of doing anything that might result in yet another kid- EVEN with my tubal ligation in place. THOSE CAN FAIL.

So, where do we go from here, armed with this new and amazing information? 

I have absolutely no idea. Sorry. I'll try to drink too much one night real soon and come up with an answer.

Don't get me wrong, People I've Angered, I'M GRATEFUL FOR MY KIDS. I'm just "at capacity." I've received my share of beautiful babies. It's time for some other people, especially those who are actually trying to have kids, to get their fair share. Amirite? I pass on my torch of fertility to anyone who wants it.

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  1. Lol...I feel like if you've made me cringe you've done your job and that description of a back-alley hysterectomy made me CRINGE!

  2. Makes prefect sense! I know for a fact that my kids have that built-in alarm system to wake and cry when they sense we're in the mood. Its self-perservation for them why not us?
    Sometimes for fun we test their "alarms". I'll just say 'penis' and one of 'em will stir in their sleep. I whisper 'I am in the mood' and another one will sit upright screeching. God forbid I climb on his lap, still fully pajama-ed, next thing you know a little three foot troll shows up in the doorway.
    It's a fun game.

  3. Ugh. I sadly understand this whole post. Also, it should be known that ANIMALS can be major cock blockers. I'll warn you all: don't let them get used to being on your bed!

  4. Someone told me it gets better in your 50's. Sort of makes me feel sick.


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