Tuesday, April 23, 2013

The Kind Of Friend Who Just Thinking About Makes You Smile

My very best friend had her first child a few days ago. I am surprisingly emotional about this whole thing. When she told me that she was pregnant so many months ago, I was so choked up that I couldn't speak. I couldn't even tell Nate until the next day.

We met in middle school through a mutual friend, and hated each other at first. We were probably jealous of each other, she being our mutual friend's long-time friend, the "best friend," and me being the "new friend" the one who, in middle-school girl drama, was going to "take her away."

It was all so stupid and somehow, we realized that the other wasn't so bad and was maybe even better than our mutual friend. Our friendship grew, involving me peeing in her front yard one night for whatever reason (just to be an idiot), and staying at her house for an afternoon when a bomb dropped in my parent's marriage, laying on her couch in a fog, watching "Far and Away" but not really watching it.

We used to make these videos, these completely RIDICULOUS skits of whatever struck our fancy. We made maxi-pad commercials, did skits about our friends and family, made an exercise video where I drew hair on my chest and in my armpits and we danced around like freaks. We made a music video to "Blame it on the Rain" where she wore nylons on her head and opened an umbrella when "rain" was sang.

She's the only person, besides my husband, that I can spend any length of time with and not want to murder. As teenagers, every summer she vacationed with me, spending a week or more riding in the back of my parents' truck under the camper, talking and eating pounds upon pounds of candy while we traveled all over the western half of the United States. One summer, we packed fourteen pounds of candy for our week-long vacation, ate it all plus more garbage like Push-Ups that we bought at gas stations, and somehow lost weight. I guess that's what happens when you're malnourished.

She is my polar opposite. She is quiet, I am loud. She's stylish and classy, I am a classless fashion don't. She's private, I over share, she's hesitant and occasionally lacks confidence, I plow forward with the confidence of ten narcissists and tell her to stop fucking around. She's sweet and I'm an ass. She's full of grace and is lanky and beautiful. I'm completely crass and wonder how she can stand me. She is a better friend to me than I've been to her, and I am lucky to have her. She is so patient with me.

It's like I'm C.C. and she's Hillary in the movie Beaches. But without all the drama. And nobody's dying any time soon. And I'm not famous. Nor is her husband going to cheat on her. 

...You get it.

I honestly don't know what bonds us. I love her. The night before I moved from Oregon to California (over 12 years ago), she stayed the night with me and saw me off in the morning. She cried as we hugged goodbye, but I was so excited about the next stage in my life and all that awaited me that I couldn't cry. I couldn't wait to leave, and didn't think about those that I was leaving behind.

We watched each other get married, we've visited each other, but it is never enough. I miss her.

And now she's a mom. I never got to see her baby belly, never got to feel her daughter kicking around in there. I never got to just sit with her and talk to her about the shit and the beauty of pregnancy, I didn't get to see her belly grow. Even though she's only a few days old, I haven't held that baby, haven't gotten to kiss her and smell her, I haven't comforted her or cooed at her while stroking her face, or told her how much I love her. And I don't know when I'm going to get to. I stare at her picture that her mama texted me and am blown away. 

She is so beautiful.

I've never felt the distance as much as I am feeling it now. We are raising our families in different states and it sucks so much. When I left, I never could have imagined this; I had no way of knowing how hard this was going to be. 

She is going to be a great mother. I'm so excited to watch her grow into her new role and will have to find a way to swallow my sadness at not being with her.

Welcome to the world, E.H.M. I can't wait to meet you.

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  1. It's hard to miss those moments in life, my best friend (and her beautiful daughter) live far away from me. it sucks.

  2. It not only sucks, it also blows.

    Anyway - I have a bestie, we've been friends since we were 9, which is a long fucking time, considering we had to get through the pre teen and teen bullshit.

    I'm DYING at the thought of her having children while I live here. The thought that our children won't grow up together kills me.

    I know it's rough on her to have never met H, and to not be able to hold him in her arms and snuggle him, and whisper to him all his mother's secrets.

    We'll be literally "BFFs".

    Besides, she knows way too much, I know way too much - so we're kind of forced to be civil forever.

  3. My best friend and I met in college. We got pregnant 2 weeks apart but I moved to another state in the middle of our pregnancy. It killed me that we didn't meet each others kids until they were 3 months old. Luckily she is only an hr and a half away but between a total of 5 kids between us, jobs, and life we don't see each other nearly enough. Since this post was about 6 months ago I hope you've made it to see them!

    1. Sadly, I have not... We bought a house and moved and I had some pretty major surgery so we have had a very intense last six months!


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