Friday, March 1, 2013

Very Scary Tooth Fairy

I debuted as the Tooth Fairy last Friday night, and here's a little nugget for you amateurs (like me) about this Tooth Fairy gig that seems to get left off of conversations, forgotten among the sparkly glitter and debates about how much to give:

It was actually terrifying.

Let me back up. Ethan came home from his Nana's house missing the loose tooth that he had been furiously and incessantly complaining about for the past two weeks about how much it was bugging him, much to the annoyance of his dad and I (it got sooo old, seriously). I was a little emotional about him losing his first tooth; my chest felt kinda tight. I was probably having an asthma attack but whatever.

Anyway, Ethan started telling us that he hoped the Tooth Fairy brought him a penny, and I felt like the luckiest mother in the world! WHAT A CHEAP DATE! Then he upgraded to a quarter and I still felt like I won the mom lottery.

When it was his bedtime, since he doesn't sleep with a pillow, we put a small throw pillow next to his head and put the tooth under that. I forgot and remembered and forgot again about 39 times that I HAD TO REMEMBER TO DO THE EXCHANGE before I went to bed. I finally got smart and put the dollar and Blow Pop on MY pillow, so there was no way I could forget. 

At my bedtime, I grabbed the goods and cracked open his bedroom door. I was totally dismayed to see that he was facing the pillow. I had hoped he would be facing away. I felt like a creepy stalker peering through the crack to see if he moved his head at the sound of the door opening. I watched him for a solid 30 seconds, maybe it was even 45. At no sign of movement, I snuck into his room, stood at the head of his bed, and then froze.

FROZE. All I could think about was, What if he wakes up? THE WHOLE GIG WILL BE UP! We will be revealed as the GIANT LIARS that we are NOW instead of in a few years! Everything will be called into question! Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, EVERYTHING! HE WILL BE DESTROYED, his youth ripped from him far too young, as if he were a child actor! 

Frozen, trying to dampen down my panic, I started coming up with excuses for if I got caught: Oh, I was just checking to make sure the tooth hadn't got knocked down or if I was caught red-handed with the goods in my hand, then... I just wasn't sure what would fly. The Tooth Fairy called, she's sick and I'm subbing for her?

As I stood there, watching his eyelashes for movement, frozen and freaking out, I realized that if he woke up and saw me staring at him like I was, he would probably have worse nightmares from that than anything else. So I hesitantly crept forward, reached out and ripped the bag containing his tooth from under the pillow, cringing at the noise. I stared at his eyelashes for another 20 seconds, then, cringing the whole time, snuck the dollar and Blow Pop under the pillow, then got the fuck outta there.

I stood in the hallway after, shocked at how traumatic the whole thing was. NOBODY TELLS YOU ABOUT THE FEAR OF GETTING CAUGHT! That's the deep, dark secret of the Tooth Fairy. NOT that she actually doesn't exist, but that it would be terrifying to get caught!

I'm not sure how we're going to get through the next 59 teeth or however many remaining teeth there are between 3 kids, but I got a couple of tips from some Facebook peeps after I posted this the next morning: 

"Holy crap, has anyone ever blown the Tooth Fairy gig? Last night was my first shot at it, and I was nearly frozen with fear that he'd wake up mid-exchange and I'd be caught! Nate should be totally comforted that I'll never cheat on him, I couldn't even stand being caught in the Tooth Fairy act."

I love the little community on the Facebook page for this blog, and here are a few things that people responded with:

Get a Tooth Fairy pillow that has a tooth pocket and hangs on the bed post or OUTSIDE door knob.

The Tooth Fairy exchanges tooth for goods in the bathroom. [Me here - that makes sense, it's where they brush their teeth!]

A helpful reader hint: Kids sleep the heaviest in the first two hours.

Several people admitted to forgetting and then making up some reason that the Tooth Fairy didn't arrive. So, don't feel like the only one if you forget. The Tooth Fairy has a rep for being flaky.

And seeing the look of total joy on his face when he showed me his Tooth Fairy loot the next morning was pretty sweet.

Join in the fun on Facebook and Twitter!


  1. Cuteness. I like the hang it on the doorknob idea.

    Course, by the time Hayden loses a tooth I'll have to write a fucking check, because... you know, inflation and shit.

    Must get tooth fairy checks made.

  2. Hahaha! I completely forgot about the fear of getting caught. Don't worry, you won't have to do this 59 times. At least by the time they lose their molars (age 10 or so) they will know the truth. Then you will CONSTANTLY forget to do it. Every one of my kids has come to me at some point and said, "It's been a week. Can I have my dollar?" Just last week I went to strip my 10 year old's bed to wash the sheets and found a tooth. I had completely swept it from my mind and had to call my husband to see when the child had actually lost it.
    I am in big, big trouble when the almost five year old starts losing his and I have to go back to good fairy mode.

    1. Oh good point about the later tooth loses! Yay!

      And good luck with the almost 5-year-old!

  3. My niece lost her first tooth when she was sleeping over with me and my parents. I was a teenager. For some reason, they put ME in charge. I was so scared of her waking up, I actually DRESSED UP as a fairy. Dude, I made wings... She didn't wake up.

    Meanwhile, my husband caught his father in the act of taking his brother's tooth when he was only three. His father told him, "Go back to sleep, you're dreaming." Needless to say, he didn't buy it.

    1. OH my gosh... you went all OUT! You should have saved the wings for your future tooth fairy duties with the little dude!


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