Wednesday, February 27, 2013

How Crazy Is Crazy, REALLY?

I have an announcement! No, I am NOT PREGNANT. NOT PREGNANT.

In two months, I am going on a 3-night drunkfest/vacation in Mexico with Julie from I Like Beer and Babies!

OH SHIT YES! My flight to her neck of the woods is booked, the trip is booked, and I could not be more excited! 


Here's the deal: We've never met. AND, we're sharing a room.

Yep. We're taking a ride on the wild side.

I know. Now you know how insane I really am. But that's okay! Shortly after I started blogging, I found her blog, and let's just say, this bitch was speaking my language. We've bonded over our mutual love of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, drinking, swearing, being totally crass and inappropriate, needing breaks from our kids, and a thousand other things. But those are the big ones. 

And since we're Facebook friends, with our real life profiles, I feel like I know everything about her. Because, you know, it's Facebook. And, we even text each other. But just in case, we've developed a questionnaire for each other to answer (well, she came up with most of the questions), and we thought it'd be a whole lotta fun to post the answers on our blogs so you could see just what a bunch of freaks we really are and place bets on shit like who gets arrested first, who pukes first, who is the really craaaazy one (her), you know, stuff like that.

Both of our answers are after each question. She's ILBAB and I'm MADIM. (No, not of the Heidi Fleiss variety, it's an acronym I don't usually use - for obvious reasons.) 

I have no idea why some of my responses are in bold - and I can't fix it because my draft doesn't show it, only the final post... Ugh, sorry.

Q: Do you dig on swine? 

ILBAB: My favorite poem: Roses are red. Bacon is also red. Poems are hard. Bacon.

MADIM: Bacon is the best thing in the world. However, if you have a personal problem with it, I will abstain out of respect for you. Fuck that, no I won't. I'll be in the closet, shoveling it down with both hands like a raging baconholic.

Q: Eat dairy? 

ILBAB: Milk with ice in it is my favorite hangover cure. Sorry if that makes you dry heave.

MADIM: I eat and drink dairy. I eat and drink most things, except smelly cheese, deer and lamb and other weird creatures. As a side note, I do not drink my piss (seriously, people do that). I know, WTF? Why did I even bring that up? Answer: I don't know, really. My mind is very random.

Q: Consume more calories than a lumberjack? 

ILBAB: Oh, yes. I eat a lot. I mean a whole lot. Especially when drunk or hungover. The amount of food I can take down could also lead to you dry heaving. Sorry.

MADIM: I have a very healthy appetite. I eat as much as or more than my husband. When we go out to eat, he knows to let me scavenger hunt on his plate before letting the server take it or I'll kick him in the balls.

Q: Actually eat? 

ILBAB: See above.

MADIM: See above. I am a fucking pig.

Q: Favorite cuisine? 

ILBAB: Mexican and Italian. And anything fried with cheese. Mmmm…cheese sticks.

MADIM: I could not even begin to answer that question. I like it ALL. Except for pig balls and monkey brains, weird shit like that.

Q: Are you allergic to anything other than David Hasselhoff's chest hair? 

ILBAB: Bees, but I will try not to eat them. Though I did almost swallow one that was in my beer once. While on a boat. In the middle of a lake. With no epi pen. My friend Danimal said he would have totally trached me with a Bic pen if needed though, so I was cool. [MADIM here: I can no longer read or hear "epi pen" without thinking of that Damn You, Autocorrect one where the dad told the kid he was injecting mom with an Epic Penis!]

MADIM: *GAG* Do asshole people count? Otherwise, no.

Q: Do you have any weird sleeping habits? 

ILBAB: I use ear plugs and sleep in a weird position that I once read in a magazine is called the "flamingo." Also, the last time I was in New Orleans, I had a dream that I was trapped in a sealed closet with no light and a person came by to tell me in a super creepy voice that I would never escape. Needless to say, I woke up drenched in sweat and COMPLETELY freaking out. But that totally won't happen this time… The only other nightmares I have are that spiders are falling on me from the ceiling, so if you see me clawing at the air and saying "get away!" it is just me battling the imaginary spiders. Just roll over and leave me to defeat their legion of webbed minions. 

MADIM: No. I sleep. I may wake up to pee. Then I go back to sleep. I like to sleep on my side with a body pillow or something in between my knees. I like to nap when I can because I pretty much shut down if I get too tired. But I'll be so excited to be out of the country and away from my kids that I'll probably be okay not napping.

Q: Night owl, morning person or both? 

ILBAB: Both. With the right amount of alcohol and douchebaggery, I can easily be swayed to stay up well past my usual 9 p.m. bedtime, but I still usually wake up at the buttcrack. Sorry. I promise to head to the gym or local cheese stick joint if I wake up at 6 a.m.

MADIM: What is a "morning person?" They sound like a goddamn freak. I am a night owl. I prefer to go to bed late and sleep late. But since having kids, I have been forced out of that schedule and am somewhat flexible. However, if you wake me up at 6 a.m., I'll kick you in the balls.

Q: Any medical conditions I need to know about (IBS is a serious medical condition, BTW)? 

ILBAB: Nope. I doubt my hippothyroidism will cause any problems worse than my fat ass splitting my pants on the dance floor, so we are all set.

MADIM: I have no medical conditions that will impact you or this trip. But I will make sure the hotel has plenty of toilet paper for your IBS.

Q: Do you have excessive flatulence? 

ILBAB: Not regularly, but let's be honest, stinky farts and hangovers go hand in hand. So, all we really need to do is get on the same page with poo spray. Are you for it or against it? I am against it unless it is one of those ozone ones that doesn't actually have a smell. The sweet smelling ones just make it smell like you took a poop in the middle of the floor then decided to cover it up with rose petals. Great, now I am dry heaving. 

MADIM: No, but if I have to fart, I will go into the bathroom like a fucking lady.
Who are we kidding with all this? Between the water, food, and excessive drinking, we're going to be like the scene in Bridesmaids where one is on the pot and the other is on the sink. I call the sink, only so I can scream at you to "LOOK AWAY!" And, so I can have the esteemed honor of having shit in a sink.
We should probably pack some room spray.

Q: What is your alcohol tolerance level? 

ILBAB: First off, I am German. Second off, I went to Southern Illinois University. Let's just say, in a drinking contest, I would make Russell Crowe look like a gigantic pussy. [MADIM here: Russell Crowe IS a gigantic pussy.]

MADIM: I probably shouldn't specify, but trust me when I say that it's extremely high. I will not crap out on you after a few bottles of champagne - for me. I'm German. I take milk thistle for my liver. I wash it down with vodka or wine.

Q: What is your booze of choice? 

ILBAB: Beer or wine. Not much of a mixed drinker but I do like margaritas.

MADIM: Vodka or champagne. Rum works, too. 

Q: Are you a puker? 

ILBAB: I have a cast iron stomach. I won't go into how much alcohol I can consume without ralphing, but it would probably make an Irishman cry. 

MADIM: Not since college. No, I wasn't bulimic. Just growing my alcohol tolerance level. And yes, I will hold your hair back for you and keep your face out of the piss and garbage when you are puking in the gutter on our way back to the hotel. But if you shit your pants, you're on your own. Just kidding. I'd even help you then.
Occasionally, very occasionally, when I drink too much, I get these vasovagal responses, where I get dizzy and feel super, SUPER sick and sweat like I'm dying. Probably because I'm actually close to dying. I just go lie on the cool bathroom floor for a while, then I'm all better.

Q: What are your hangovers like? 

ILBAB: Not bad, though I am not as in practice as I used to be. The best cure is just to start the shampoo effect by having a hair of the dog. Plus, I am bringing my zofran from morning sickness and a gigantic bottle of Tylenol, so we will be all set. [MADIM here: You BETTER have enough zofran for me. Sharing is caring.]

MADIM: I just want to sleep, and then eat carby, disgusting food to make my nausea go away and drink a couple of gallons of water.

Q: Can you rally when needed? 

ILBAB: Fuck yes! See above.

MADIM: What exactly do you mean by "rally?" If some dude tries to rape you, I'll fucking kill him with my bare hands and a stick or whatever else is laying around. But I won't get in a bar fight with you. However, if you're talking about you waking me up at 3 in the morning to go drink some more, fuck yeah, I'll rally.

Q: Do you like dancing/karaoke/shots? 

ILBAB: Yes. Yes. and Yes. though doing all three in combination could lead to me being arrested. Or an internet superstar. Hello, Youtube!

MADIM: I like dancing, hate karaoke, shots, meh. Maybe here or there. I'll watch you karaoke, though. And laugh my ass off.

Q: Are you a belligerent or violent drunk? 

ILBAB: No and no. I am an obnoxious drunk, but that is just a matter of taste.

MADIM: Nope. Just totally obnoxious (more than usual) and swear more than usual, too. I hate belligerent, violent drunks. Dealt with them when I worked in a jail. Over it.

Do you shower regularly and use deodorant? 

ILBAB: Yes, except for Sundays. In my family that is a holy day called, "No shower Sundays." This does not apply on vacations though and deodorant is always allowed.

MADIM: Yes and yes, and I hope you do, too, because I have a SERIOUS ISSUE with bad smells.

Q: Beatles or Stones? 

ILBAB: Depends on my mood, really. Let's give this the college test, shall we? If I was smokin' in my dorm room, Beetles; if I was wasted at a frat party, Stones.

MADIM: Mmm. I don't know. Not really into either. ...I KNOW. *Cowering in shame.* No, I'm not. I don't give a shit.

Q: Roth or Hagar? 

ILBAB: Roth for original music, Hagar for a live performance. Cabo Wabo, baby.

MADIM: Not a huge Van Halen fan, either.

Q: You're getting called up to the plate, what is your at-bat song? 

ILBAB: Black Betty by Ram Jam. Hands down.

MADIM: That is so hard to pick. "Cum on Feel The Noize" by Quiet Riot, or "Live Wire," "Kickstart My Heart" or "Wild Side" by Motley Crue, or "Hero" by Ministry. TOTAL METALHEAD HERE.

Q: Are you going to try to kill/molest me in my sleep? 

ILBAB: No and no, though I already warned you that I like to feel boobs when I get drunk, as documented here: [MADIM here: I've already told you that you can motorboat them, since you're going to like them because they're huge. BUT, it stops there.]

MADIM: First off, no I'm not going to kill you in your sleep. Everyone knows we'll be together so that would just be dumb. However, I AM going to follow you home and live in your attic and slowly eat mad amounts of Chinese food while watching your every move. Especially in the bathroom.
Nor am I going to molest you. I heart cock, according to what my husband lovingly writes on my face in pictures; I'm not into the pootang. And I beg of you not to kill or molest me, either.

Here's what you need to know about me. My big secret: I'm insanely vain. Not because I'm beautiful or anything, but just because I am weird. And to top it off, the camera hates me. SO. I only have one condition. PLEASE let me approve any photos before you post them on the internet. Out of 700 pictures we may take, I'll probably only approve of like, 5, but please throw me this bone. We cool? Blood oath? Knuckles? Fist bump? Super secret handshake?

If you want to get in on ALL of the action, follow I Like Beer and Babies on Twitter: @beerandbabies
And Facebook: I like beer and babies.

Also, Julie, while we're down there, should we schedule some cosmetic procedures? Lipo, face lifts? I bet we could get a super cheap two-fer...

Join in the fun on Facebook and Twitter!


  1. LOL so I read the first question as " Do you swig wine" and I wouldn't figure out for the life of me why you both were answering about bacon!

  2. I am getting my bellybutton fixed! That shit is nasty, yo! And maybe some boobies...

  3. I never realized that your acronym is really close to "madam." Are you really a madam and this is your way of cluing us in?

    Also, as I told ILBAB, I'm so envious. And I expect pictures, even if you are vain.

    1. Ha, nope, not a madam. Not any more, anyway. Hahaha. ;-)

      Yes, we will DEFINITELY post photos, I just have to approve of them before posting, that is all!


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