Friday, January 4, 2013

Mom Exercises

Over the last year, I've steadily gained a massive (to me) amount of weight and I'm not cool with that. It offends my raging vanity, AND I'm planning a trip to the (hopefully) wonderful Mexican beach in a couple of months.

So, in an effort to drop a quick 20, I am watching what I eat go straight into my mouth and then my lovehandles, sticking to the rum and diet cokes, and exercising. But a sweaty jaunt on the elliptical once a day isn't cutting it. I've recently realized that with three little boys, I have a wealth of opportunities to catch several quick workouts throughout the day.

So does any parent, whether you have 1 or 10 kids. Check it out.

PLEASE remember that the camera really does add 25 pounds. (NO IT'S NOT JUST TEN! That's a fucking MYTH!) And no, I am NOT pregnant, despite what my appearance may suggest.


Just lay on your back, pop a kid uptop your feet, and reverse squat him/her up and down, up and down. Do it until your legs are burning, then rest and do it again. And again. I also use this as an ab workout by extending my legs out a bit and also side-to-side. Just don't go too far out to the side, lest you lose control and drop your kid on his snot-streaked face.

I recommend keeping the two-year-old out of the area, because getting teabagged by a two-year-old isn't as cool as one might think:

Another great leg workout is "the kid drag." My kids love to cling to my legs while I'm walking, and while it's incredibly annoying, I've found that this works out my quads:

Just be sure to switch legs so they get worked out equally, or if you really want to be a tough ass, just throw a kid on each leg:

You like that full wine rack in the background? Oooh yes.


Horseback rides are a great way to work out your arms, and kids like those more than feathers and maybe even bubbles. Be sure to keep your abdominal muscles tucked in tight for some core abdominal work:

Cost of this exercise: Your knees.

Don't just pick up your kid, bench press him in the air a few times:

Just make sure they aren't chewing food or something at the time, unless you like chewed-up graham cracker dropped into your eyeball. I also would not recommend performing this exercise with a small baby who has eaten recently or spits up frequently. As always, be wary of the errant drool trails.


Otherwise known as "jumping on a trampoline." But don't just bounce on it with your kids, like this:

How fucking boring! If you really want to challenge yourself, HOLD A KID AND JUMP: 

Jumping by yourself is for PUSSIES. You know what else is for pussies? Solo push-ups. It's not a "real" push-up unless a kid is sitting on your back or hanging off of you somehow, or at the very least, doing a downward-facing dog IN YOUR FACE and then farting, or poking you in the eyeball while you're mid-push-up.


A great way to get some cardio in is to let your kids play in the street:

You'll find yourself doing lots of sprints. Sprints are a GREAT workout.


I'm going to try to do at least one of these each day. I'll check back in with my progress someday (i.e. when I lose some pounds).

**No children were harmed during the photo shoot. And I totally adhered to child labor laws: I paid them a fair wage of Ring Pops.

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  1. Dude, the full wine rack was the first thing I noticed. HOW DO YOU DO IT? Plus, you and I will bring the hotness regardless!

    1. I've never understood how people DON'T keep massive quantities of wine around their house!?! "I ran out of wine" or "I only have one bottle" the fuck can people DO that to themselves??

      (And it's hard, in order to keep it full-ish I have to buy several bottles each grocery trip, and always look like a raging boozer. OH WELL.)

    2. Our problem is that we drink it all as fast as it comes in. We bought a wine rack with the best of intentions then just drank it all faster because it was there. Now we just go straight for the box yo.

    3. Just spring for a couple of cases of Two Buck Chuck, AND grab a box or three at one time... there's NO way you can go through THAT in a week (RIGHT???). Then, next trip, grab another case... eventually, it'll stock up! And we're huge fans of the box... there's always one of those in the fridge. Nate found a box that holds FIVE liters - Almaden.

  2. You amuse me greatly. Those are fabulous pictures.

  3. Plus, I'm coming over for whine/wine

  4. Ha! I was in much better shape when my kids were younger, thanks to all of these excersises. I did them all, except the trampoline. On days when you can't play in the street, turn on some tunes and dance. They all want to be held throughout the dancing, so you really get in that cardio/strength training workout!

    1. Oh yes, very good suggestion on the dancing, and so true about them wanting to be held!

  5. I started doing push ups and planks last week. my son stood I'm front of me and laughed hysterically the WHOLE time. It's as if he *knows* I'm doomed to be a fat ass just cuz I got knocked up once!

  6. Was totally distracted by the wine, what was your blog about?


  7. Wait - I thought "weight lifting" meant lifting a glass of alcohol to my lips? It doesn't?!?

    Well shit... I guess I gotta get back to the gym... Or use your tips....

    1. OH THAT COUNTS! But yeah, combine it with my tips; maybe that'd be good!

  8. This is So the only workout I get and need. Friends have asked if I wanted to go running...why the hell would I want more excersize when I never sit down as it is?!! Thanks for the tips!

  9. I'll come over and help you do 8 oz. curls, together I know we can empty that wine rack.

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