Over the last year, I've steadily gained a massive (to me) amount of weight and I'm not cool with that. It offends my raging vanity, AND I'm planning a trip to the (hopefully) wonderful Mexican beach in a couple of months.
So, in an effort to drop a quick 20, I am watching what I eat
go straight into my mouth and then my lovehandles, sticking to the rum and diet cokes, and exercising. But a sweaty jaunt on the elliptical once a day isn't cutting it. I've recently realized that with three little boys, I have a wealth of opportunities to catch several quick workouts throughout the day.
So does any parent, whether you have 1 or 10 kids. Check it out.
PLEASE remember that the camera really does add 25 pounds. (NO IT'S NOT JUST TEN! That's a fucking MYTH!) And no, I am NOT pregnant, despite what my appearance may suggest.
Just lay on your back, pop a kid uptop your feet, and reverse squat him/her up and down, up and down. Do it until your legs are burning, then rest and do it again. And again. I also use this as an ab workout by extending my legs out a bit and also side-to-side. Just don't go too far out to the side, lest you lose control and drop your kid on his snot-streaked face.
I recommend keeping the two-year-old out of the area, because getting teabagged by a two-year-old isn't as cool as one might think:
Another great leg workout is "the kid drag." My kids love to cling to my legs while I'm walking, and while it's incredibly annoying, I've found that this works out my quads:
Just be sure to switch legs so they get worked out equally, or if you really want to be a tough ass, just throw a kid on each leg:
You like that full wine rack in the background? Oooh yes.
Horseback rides are a great way to work out your arms, and kids like those more than feathers and maybe even bubbles. Be sure to keep your abdominal muscles tucked in tight for some core abdominal work:
Cost of this exercise: Your knees.
Don't just pick up your kid, bench press him in the air a few times:
Just make sure they aren't chewing food or something at the time, unless you like chewed-up graham cracker dropped into your eyeball. I also would not recommend performing this exercise with a small baby who has eaten recently or spits up frequently. As always, be wary of the errant drool trails.
Otherwise known as "jumping on a trampoline." But don't just bounce on it with your kids, like this:
How fucking boring! If you really want to challenge yourself, HOLD A KID AND JUMP:
Jumping by yourself is for PUSSIES. You know what else is for pussies? Solo push-ups. It's not a "real" push-up unless a kid is sitting on your back or hanging off of you somehow, or at the very least, doing a downward-facing dog IN YOUR FACE and then farting, or poking you in the eyeball while you're mid-push-up.
A great way to get some cardio in is to let your kids play in the street:
You'll find yourself doing lots of sprints. Sprints are a GREAT workout.
I'm going to try to do at least one of these each day. I'll check back in with my progress someday (i.e. when I lose some pounds).
**No children were harmed during the photo shoot. And I totally adhered to child labor laws: I paid them a fair wage of Ring Pops.