Monday, November 5, 2012

The Question

Oh Jesus, it's happening ALREADY, people.

He's only six. I thought I had A LOT more time.

I was casually making a ham and egg sandwich last Saturday morning, minding my own business, when I heard Ethan say, "Mom?"

Me: Yeah, Bud.

Ethan: When you were making me, did you get hungry and thirsty?



Shit. WHAT? I started thinking to myself, Poker face, poker face, don't smirk or get the deer-in-headlights eyes! Keep it together!

Me: Um. I'm not sure what you're asking. What do you mean, when I was making you? Why would I get hungry and thirsty?

Ethan: Well. (He started fidgeting.) You know, you were making me. You got thirsty, right?

Thanks for the clarification, dude. I started thinking fast. Surely, he's not talking about that. He must be talking about the pregnancy! Yeah!

Me: Oh, well, yeah, when I was growing you in my belly for nine months, making you, sure, I got hungry and thirsty, I ate and drank lots of water every day. 

Ethan: No, I mean when you were making me. Did you have to stop and take a break to get some food or water?

Fuuuuuck. What in the hell has this kid been up to? WHO HAS HE BEEN TALKING TO? Those little assholes in his class that were talking about "kissing tatas" the other day on the field trip? It has to be them! 

Me: But what was I doing to "make you", if you're not talking about you growing in my belly? What actions are you talking about? Why would I get thirsty?

I literally had to restrain myself from making an obscene gesture/demonstration with my hands then. 

Ethan: I don't know. (Fidget, fidget.) You were just making me.

Me: Um. Okay. Well, if you're not talking about the nine months you were in my belly, how long do you think it took me to make you?

Ethan: Um. About twenty minutes.

JESUS CHRIST!

This is when I started sweating. It was worse than I thought! HE KNOWS. Or does he? I had to know if he knows, and more importantly, where he got it from. I HAD TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS. So I kept prodding, as casually as I could.

Me: Oh. What was I doing that only took twenty minutes to make you?

Ethan: I don't know. 

You fucking better not know!

Me: Well, why do you think it took twenty minutes to make you? Where did you get that from?

Ethan: (Fidgeting more) Well. I thought I heard you say that. I thought I heard you say it took twenty minutes to make me.

UUUUHHHH. Stop right there. Now, I know I have a filthy mouth. I make some of the worst, most crass and crude jokes out there. My mind is constantly in the gutter. I am worse than most guys.

BUT. I very, very, rarely will make references to my own sex life. In fact, just typing "my own sex life" is giving me severe anxiety and I am trying to find an alternative way to reference it but can't. I can count on one, maybe two, hands the amount of times I have actually talked about it in my entire life, and it was always while extremely intoxicated. Except maybe once or twice I've talked about it while sober.

SO I KNOW ETHAN DIDN'T GET THAT FROM ME.

Me: Um. When did I say that?

Ethan: I don't know. It was a while ago, when I was six.

Me: You ARE six.

Ethan: Um, it was back in October. Um. October fifth.

OH, OKAY. Obviously, the kid is lying. He's grasping at dates straws, he's saying I said things that I know I didn't say... 

Me: Well, I don't think I said that. It's okay, Bud, you can ask me whatever it is you really want to ask, you can tell me anything. But really, what are you talking about? What are you trying to get at here?

Ethan: Nothing. Never mind.

I prodded him further and could not get any more information out of him. I'm hoping that he's confused and doesn't know exactly what it takes to make a baby and that's why he couldn't really explain to me in detail what he thinks I did to "make him" but I know that I'm on some seriously shaky ground because the kid's questions and the twenty-minute thing were pretty insightful.

I'm just perturbed. I really thought I had more time before this kind of conversation came about. I mean... what, am I going to be finding condoms in his room in a couple of years? GIVE ME A BREAK!

AAAUUUGGGHHHH!




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35 comments:

  1. It only gets worse. Damn those little classmates, always filling his head with stuff he doesn't need to know until he's in his twenties!!

    Teri

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    1. Oh yes. I know it's going to get SO MUCH WORSE! I just really thought I had more time before it even began...

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  2. coffee just came out my nose.
    totally worth it!!

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  3. I guess me and the husband better stop joking that his part in creating H was the most difficult two minutes of his life...

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  4. Haha I'm kind of jealous- I think it took us 5 minutes or less!

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  5. Twenty minutes!!!! ERMAHGERD!
    Try again to get it out of him... it usually takes my second try to pry stuff out of my kids.

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  6. Ha! My daughter doesn't believe me that babies come out of the belly button. She started asking in Kindergarten. Now, she is very smart. I literally had to explain planetary rotation to her before she was satisfied with the "why is there night and day" answer. I reacted much like you did! Fighting to keep cool. But really, I didn't want to be pulled into the principal's office because my daughter was explaining reproduction to her friends!

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    1. I don't know why but this comment went to spam initially! Anyway, yeah, there is definitely the consideration of them graciously sharing their new found info with their friends... not good.

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  7. Were you talking to your kid or my kid, because I swear I had this conversation with my son about 5 years ago. He had heard a commercial or something that talked about how it only takes a few minutes to make a baby and your whole life to deal with the consequences or something, one of those "talk, your kids will listen" things. It's still a pretty vivid memory, I was terrified! That was our first "sex" talk, but in the last few years it has become normal to discuss bodies, parts and functions at the dinner table. Now, when my nephew, at 12 years old asked what a G-spot was - I almost wrecked the car. Boys.

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    1. Yeah, in considering the realm of possibilities as to where he could have gotten this from... it's endless. It's totally normal for us to speak of bodily functions and body parts, too, but this was just WAY TOO MUCH, WAY TOO SOON for me! I would have DIED at the g-spot question. Glad you didn't wreck the car!

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  8. I was practically sweating on your behalf while reading this. PLEASE let us know when you figure it out. I bet it was one of those rotten little "other people's kids."

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    1. I will be sure to let everyone know! I just hope I CAN get to the bottom of it!

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  9. I was so hoping it was the nine months in your belly "making". It still may be something completely off the wall. There's still hope. Not likely, but possibly. You better tell us if you find out!

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    1. When I was talking about it with my husband, we were both fervently hoping that it was the nine months, but we both know it's not... Darn it! I'll be sure to fill everyone in if I find out more!

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  10. Repeat after me: “Ask your father.”

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    1. Oh, yes, Katie. That's one of the big reasons I was glad I had boys... many, many awkward questions can be deferred to Dad!

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  11. I understand the nervous feeling because my daughter is five and is already hinting around at asking questions like this, but the simple solution here is just to reference the animal kingdom. That's where the whole "birds and bees" thing came from, after all. When it's time to talk to them about sex, the fact is that we are mammals. And mammals reproduce like this... *points to picture in book about how mammals reproduce* It's a lot easier to detach yourself from it when you're using chimps or dolphins as an example, but THEY will make the connection. Once they do, that's when you can bring up all the handy-dandy stuff about how humans, as evolved creatures, have conditions for reproduction, such as love and monogamy, that keep our civilization functioning.

    That's how it was explained to me, anyway, and I turned out alright.

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  12. I only have a 14 month old, so I don't have any advice for you, I just wanted to tell you your page looks awesome!!! Jason did a great job!! Good luck with your little man... You can look at it this way; you will only have to have the awkward conversation once, with Ethan, I'm sure he will make sure he tells the other little guys for you.. ?

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    1. Thank you, Goobies Mama! Jason did do a good job.

      Yeah, I'm sure Ethan will spread the word. But I don't know how I feel about that...

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  13. All I have to say is WOW. sorry I have no advice, but good luck

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    1. Haaa, thank you! We'll figure it out somehow. Everyone else does, right?

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  14. seriously laughing out loud! Mine is almost 6 and when asked what he and his best friend (who's a girl) were doing in the playhouse.. "oh, you know, just playing and hugging and stuff..." Stuff? What stuff?! I didn't think I'd have to enforce the "leave the door open, no playing doctor, etc, etc." rules just yet! Kids definitely cause grey hair!

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    1. Yikes, Leah! I totally would have reacted the same way... wondering what "and stuff" was!

      I fully blame my grays on my kids. Screw genetics, THEY'RE FROM THE KIDS!

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  15. Ah Thanks for the much needed laugh. I have teenagers you know so BTDT, BUT my husband hehehe he has no idea, and Pystol is 13 mo, little Sabyr will get here hopefully second week of Dec (Countdown BABY!!) and in 3-4 years I'm hoping HE gets this question and I have the camera (Yeah I'm mean like that!)I'd have choked on the G-spot question AY got... But the best response is, Its in no man's land!!! What scares me is our oldest is about 7 months younger than I was the first time I got pregnant!!!! Please, please, please WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    1. Yay Shosh! Almost here! I can't wait to see photos! And yeah, I hope the oldest waits, too! Kids are no joke...

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  16. Many of us have had the same experience with variations. My friend Nancy's was the most memorable. Her twin girls were about 5, small enough to ride in the shopping cart at the supermarket. She and a nearby male shopper were reaching into the freezer case to grab some frozen peas. One of the girls chose that moment to blurt out "Did you and Dad hump to get us?" Eyes wide, Nancy and the nearby shopper rolled off in opposite directions.

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    1. That is so funny! If I was one of the shoppers, I would have DIED laughing.

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  17. Toddler Owen "How you make a baby Mama" Me "It takes a Mommy and a Daddy to make a baby" Owen "that must take a lot of screwing" Me-"what???" trying not to die of a heart attack.....Owen" a lot of screwing! to put all the nuts and bolts together"
    RELIEF!
    I have typed this story out three times and the first two vanished. Sorry if it shows up three times.
    I know this is an older post but I am new to your blog. What a refeshing treat after all those sickly sweet hurl inducing Mommy blogs. Love it. Thanks, Cynthia

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    1. OH my God, that was too funny! Sorry your comment kept vanishing... I don't know what that's about. And please, feel free to comment on any of the posts! Glad you like the blog! Hope to see you around here some more!

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