Tuesday, October 9, 2012

The Home Hair Color Incident

With each pregnancy, I've claimed that I've donated half, or maybe even more, of my brain cells to whichever parasite babe was growing in my womb. The other night, I obtained proof that I did give most of my brain cells to my kids. Don't believe me? 

Here:

It was time to cover the gray worms sprouting from my head. I tend to home color because obviously, I, a total amateur, can do it better than a PROFESSIONAL. Just kidding - it's so much cheaper. I typically use the same brand that I've used for years, but this time I used a brand that I found on clearance - fifty percent OFF, people! (And I probably had a coupon, too.) I pulled all the crap out of the box and thought to myself, hey, since I haven't used this brand before, maybe reading the directions would be a good idea.

I read them, and they specified that my hair should be damp before using the product. Damp? The other stuff never wants my hair damp. So I was thinking as I wet my hair, I'm so happy I read the directions!! How badly would I have fucked this up if I HADN'T READ THE DIRECTIONS?!

I mixed the shit all together in the #1 bottle, shook it up, and began applying. A few minutes into it, it started penetrating in the deepest recesses of my mind, It's not even leaving the usual dark streaks around my hairline!

I kept applying. A musical diet of Metallica, Men at Work, Mötley Crüe, Guns 'N Roses, and The Beach Boys was feeding my mind from my iPod. However, I kept noticing that everything was remaining really clean and I wasn't having to clean up any errant streaks or blobs of dark color from my face or neck. My gloves were even clear of color. 

I finished. I piled all the hair on top of my head so I could dick around doing whatever for a few while the color processed. And suddenly, it hit me.

I FUCKED THIS UP.

I don't know how or why exactly it was that I suddenly realized, Hey, dumbass, you didn't add the color to bottle #1, you added the goddamn conditioner.

So that's why my "color" job was so clean. (How does that sound dirty? But it does, doesn't it?) I grabbed the #2 bottle, the actual dye, that was sitting unopened on my counter and thought, What the fuck do I do? And, How did I mess this up?

My immediate instinct was to just put the contents of the bottle on my hair. I mean, the mate to it was already on my hair, they just needed to be mixed, right? But the logical half of my brain was screaming, But what if that fucks it all up? You're going to get nasty streaks at best! Cut your losses now!

And the emotional half of my brain was screaming, That's five dollars; you can't waste your clearance deal! and I didn't just spend twenty minutes doing this shit for NOTHING!

So I opened up that bottle of color and began fingering it through my hair my like nobody's business. (That sounds dirty, too.) Immediately, my hair started turning black. So did my forehead. This shit, without the thickening lotion in bottle #1, was a runny, blackening MESS. 

After a minute, I looked like a bum from central casting. My forehead was smeared with black. I had black streaks on my face. It was running into my left eye. It was running down my neck and shoulders. It was all over my arms.

It was runnier than a baby diarrhea diaper blowout in public.

Within two minutes, I looked like a zombie. I looked like somebody had put a hatchet in my forehead and black blood was pouring from my wound, all over me and all over the sink. But I kept at it, because my hair was turning the right color and FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE. 

Finally, I felt confident that the color was all over my hair. As well as everywhere else. The counter looked like a zombie murder scene:



Fortunately, all that black crap wiped off, with the help of some industrial-strength cleaner. But was it going to come off my SKIN? I let my hair process for a few and then jumped into the shower to at least start scrubbing the dye off of my skin. 

THANK GOD IT CAME OFF.

BUT. How was my hair going to look? I dried it. I looked at it from all angles. 

IT LOOKS FINE. If you can ignore the fact that the camera flash makes it look gray when it's NOT, you can see that it's EVEN COLOR all the way through. Also, please ignore the fact that I look like I want to eat your children. I don't. 




Wow! Sometimes, you can be really stupid and everything still works out in the end. Not often, but sometimes

So, I leave you with a little nugget of wisdom. Care to take a gander as to what it is?

No, it's not "CAREFULLY read the directions!"

No, it's not "pay attention to detail!"

This is what it is: STICK WITH WHAT YOU KNOW, PEOPLE.



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23 comments:

  1. BALLsy move! I died mine once so I could get cheap "chunky streaks" and ended up with huge skunk-like patches of yellow all over my head. BAD IDEA! I love me some Perfect 10 from a box though!

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    Replies
    1. Balls deep! Skunk-like patches of yellow all over your head? THAT SOUNDS AMAZING. BTW, you're not allowed to home color in some "chunky streaks" before you-know-what, okay?

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    2. Only sweet dreads braiding into my hair...

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  2. Amateur.
    Until you've tried waxing/trimming your pubes into a heart shape and bleaching, then dying the remaining hair pink for valentines day (I'm sure there is a market for porn-terest instead of pinterest, or indeed pintrosity)... you're all good.

    Not saying I did this, or anything. Just you know, mentioning that it could have been worse, you see.

    mmhmm.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH MY GOD, Kylee... I'm so glad I will never have the desire to do THAT!

      But thank you so very much for the great laugh!

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    2. I heard about it ... from a friend...

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    3. My wife (GF at the time) tried something like once. The "heart" she tried to shape ended up looking like the rabbit from Donnie Darko. We did it with the lights off for a month.

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    4. OH MY GOD! You guys are cracking me up! *Note to self: NO HEARTS DOWN THERE*

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  3. Just this morning I was contemplating changing from pro-job dye-job to home dye....I'm now rethinking it.
    Although your hair does look fantastic!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I say... go for it!

      And thank you, I'm totally surprised it does not look like a two-year-old helped me out.

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  4. Well my Dear, you look gorgeous with your coy look and your suicide hair (dyed by your own hand). However, my favorite part of that photo is the baby picture that's been lodged in your zombie-Mama skull. Perfection!!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! Suicide hair, that is awesome!

      Yeah, that's my sweet Connor when he was about 6 months old.

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  5. It looks gorgeous! You have always had great hair.

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  6. This reminds me of an episode of "Rules of Engagement" when Jen tries to dye her hair at home. And her fiance says "What did you do in there?? It looks like you murdered a family of chocolate bunnies!!" Greatness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Never have seen it but yes, it definitely sounds similar!

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  7. Your hair looks great. I learned a lot from this post ;)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks... and yeah, I'm sure you did learn a lot, haaa!

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  8. I always home color. I lather Vaseline on my hair line, face arms. neck, ears and anywhere else dye will drip. it never stains and wipes off evenly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THAT is a great idea, Karen! I'll give it a try, thank you!

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