Friday, July 13, 2012

The Gas Explosion

There has been a gas explosion in my house.

Yes, we're all okay, because no, I am not talking about the kind of gas explosion you can blame on P.G. & E., although, this explosion has been caused by natural gas, as well.

I don't know what's going on, but the boys have suddenly become the gassiest kids on earth. These days, pretty much not an hour goes by that I am not bombarded with the gas rockets they are shooting out of their assholes. It's astounding.

It's as though I have been transported back in time to 1945, and am fighting alongside my Papa in the Battle of Iwo Jima. 

"Incomiiiiing!" **BOOM!** "Auuuggghh! I'm being assaulted from all ends! Evacuate! EVACUAAAATE!!" "I can't breathe! My eyes are burning!" "I can't hear! My ear drums are ruptured and bleeding!"

Except, instead of blowing holes in bodies, they are blowing holes through their underwear.

Even Brandon, who is not quite two yet, has gotten in on the game. He can barely talk, but he laughs alongside his brothers when one of them farts, and when he himself farts, grabs his butt and says "Ah furrrr" (I fart) and then giggles maniacally.

I'm terrified to light a match anymore.

No, their diets haven't changed. They're just six, four, and almost two-year-old boys. And they have discovered the best game on earth: farting on one another. 

And suddenly, they have the ammo to play it. And play it well.

I've underestimated the pure joy that loud, obnoxious farts bring little boys. Here I thought that my kids would think I'm cool because I give them candy and play baseball with them. Nope. Turns out, I've discovered (and made an ecard in honor of), that this is the trick:

http://motherhoodadescentintomadness.blogspot.com

I need to up my game. I'll be buying beans, cabbage, and carbonated beverages in bulk now.


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20 comments:

  1. If it makes you feel any better my daughter plays along too...she just turned 3 and she can out-fart her dad and her brother at times....and she laughs like crazy when she does it!

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    1. That's awesome! Your daughter would get along well with my sons!

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  2. My almost 4-year-old little girl could, without a doubt, keep up with your boys on this subject. Sweet little girl drops large man farts on a daily basis!

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    1. Oh yes, Mandy, we've talked about BOTH of your girls' man farts!! She would have fun with the boys. You should come visit. :-)

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  3. I found you through Flying By the Seat of My Pants's blogroll. You crack me up, girlie! Gotta come back soon and read more!

    And BTW, girls play this game too, they just blame the funk on the dog when they get caught!

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    1. Thanks, ChaCHA! I'd love for you to come back soon! And thanks for the heads up about Fying by the Seat of My Pant's blogroll!

      I'm hearing now that girls are pros at this game, too! I love how they blame it on the dog - that's awesome! (And something I'd do, too!)

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  4. With five boys of my own, I know all about the subject. If you want to be even cooler, there are plenty of kids' songs on farting. Mama Tooted by Keller Williams, Buffalo Bob only ate baked beans by Buck Howdy, and Too Many Beans by Mr. Nicky. Good times.

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    1. And YOU are cool for sharing the songs! I didn't know about them! I might have to go check them out. :-)

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  5. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing!! If it helps, last night at my daughters ballet class my youngest thought farting would be funny to do, of all her classes to do it in he had to do it in the one where it's quiet and peaceful with the piano going and then! you hear him fart, again and again and again lol.

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    1. That is so great! "And now, a classical piano piece, with an accompaniment of farts... Silence, please."

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  6. I grew up with three older brothers. I've been farted on more times that I care to count.

    Now I have a son of my own, and his uncles are on the other side of the planet - I guess I'm going to have to teach him proper fart techniques myself. Ably assisted by my beer-drinking, bean-eating husband.

    Ever heard of a.... cupcake? If not, you should probably educate yourself now. Then you'll get cool points when you expertly demonstrate your new madskillz.

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    1. Yes, Kylee, I hear that with the big brothers. One of mine used to wrestle me down, leg-lock me to hold me in place, and then rip the nastiest farts ever. I'm hoping one of my sons craps on him one day in payback.

      I have not heard of a cupcake... I may have to investigate. Thanks for the tip... I think. :-)

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    2. Cupcake: fart into your own hand then close it, then quickly put your hand to your brother's face and open it with a flourish. The stench will waft right out.

      You can be cupcaked, go on a cupcaking spree of terror (beans required) or have a cupcake-a-thon. Versatile skill.

      You're welcome. ;)

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    3. I've reached new lows by describing fart techniques on the interwebz.

      I couldn't be more proud.

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    4. It's okay. I am describing my kids' farts in full detail. We're in the same boat. Kids do that to us!

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  7. Thanks so much for the much-needed chuckle! Wanted you to know I nominated you for the Sunshine Bloggers Award. Please check it out here: http://suburbanfarmmom.blogspot.com/2012/07/its-major-award.html
    Thanks!

    ReplyDelete

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