Monday, April 30, 2012

What happens when Mom is alone for a day?

This weekend was so amazing that I feel like recapping it for you. Friday night's opening act was presented to the Facebookers, so my apologies for the repeat from there. Anyway, it went like this:

Ethan: Mom, Brandon is sticking his toothbrush in the toilet! And he's putting it in his mouth!
Connor: And I was peeing when he did it!
Welcome to my Friday night. Be jealous.

If you're still with me and not vomiting in your lap, hands, or the bathroom, and your vision isn't blurry from the heavy gagging, then continuing on, I chose that same evening to try to integrate Brandon into his real crib in his brothers' room. He's been sleeping in a porta-crib in my home office and I'm not really down with that situation anymore. I need the space that his porta-crib is taking up. And I need to work when he's sleeping. So he doesn't do shit like this.

I put the boys to bed at the same time, which I know wasn't the brightest idea. I should have put Brandon to bed either well before or well after the other guys. But shoulda woulda coulda, it's not what happened, so oh well. Brandon, who is used to sleeping completely alone in utter darkness, with blackout drapes and everything, was now sleeping in a room with a lamp on and two brothers ten feet away. So of course, he thinks it's a fucking slumber party. 

His brothers, who are significantly wiser and more opposed to the wrath of mom, decided that falling asleep immediately was the proper choice. They were right. An hour later, Brandon wised up, stopped playing and screwing around, and passed out. Perhaps it was the fifth of tequila I slipped into his milk at dinner, perhaps not; we'll never know. 

However, in checking on him a couple of hours later, I discovered this important fact: Connor talks in his sleep. How we've never known this is beyond me since if there is a kid who is going to climb into our bed in the night and subsequently render us miserable with his snoring, profuse sweating, mule-kicking, space-hogging, and fish-out-of-water flopping about, it's him. He was saying something about his Nana and hopefully it wasn't anything important because the air filter was doing its job of blocking out noise. So it's true; we really do learn something new every day. 

The next morning, all three boys woke up at literally the crack of dawn. Actually, just prior to it. - 5:58 a.m., and it was on. Or so they thought. I told them to go back to bed and be quiet. Then I went back to bed and hoped to fall asleep for a bit. Well you know what they say about wishing in one hand and shitting in the other; see which gets full first.

Of course they weren't quiet and I finally gave up and got up. They proceeded to drive me nuts for the next several hours. They were excited because they were all going to spend the night at their Nana's house.

Yep. You know what that means.... NO KIDS FOR ME!! Nate had to work. So from 11:54 a.m. (the time I dropped them off) until my bedtime, it was me, myself, and I. It was glorious. I visited my friend who had her first baby two months ago. Perhaps you recall the story of his birth. If not, then I highly recommend that you click on the link and read it so the next paragraph has a chance at making some sense. 

Well, if he was a 3-month-old newborn, he is now a six-month two-month-old. If that even makes any sense. He is now 16 pounds and literally the FATTEST baby I have ever seen. His mom asked me, "what do you call cankles on his wrists?" I LOVE HIM. He simply rocks. He is a GIANT chunk of burning love and hanging with him blew all kinds of holes through my heart. And slightly cramped my arms but that's neither here nor there. This baby, at two months old, is so alert that he was actually talking to me in his baby babble and flirting up a triple-chinned storm. But it wasn't his baby blues that sucked me in, it was when he ripped a bunch of giant farts on my lap while looking me dead in the eyes. We had a "moment" there and now our bond can never be broken. I've already promised to shelter and feed him - if we can afford it - when he gets mad at mom and dad and runs away from home. 

I realize that I'm gushing about this guy and maybe it's getting slightly inappropriate. My apologies. Anyway, after I was finally able to tear myself away from Baby Triple B, it was time to go home and enjoy my peace and pure silence. But first, a stop at the grocery store for some things. While I was perusing the beer and booze aisle, I heard a little girl ask her dad why he always buys a "million beers when he's in the beer section." He was obviously embarrassed and was trying to get her to shut up while simultaneously denying it but she wasn't having it and was like, "yes you do, yes you do". Of course, I can't stop myself from saying something like I'm some kind of Tourette's sufferer and when he passed by I casually said, "he buys beer because he has kids." 

Now, this could have gone horribly wrong, because not everybody appreciates inappropriate drinking and children comments from total strangers. However, this guy cracked up and said "that's right", so it was all good. Thankfully. 

I went home and instead of listening to my kids scream, I got to listen to the neighbor kids scream. But oh well. I was alone and that was all that mattered. I made some dinner and stared at the smokin' hot Shemar Moore watched Criminal Minds. After a while, I realized that I literally could leave the house at any second, and have absolutely nobody to answer to, and go do whatever I wanted. Well, within reason, since I am married. This is something that Nate and I have dreamed about on a regular basis since having children, and I finally have it and what do I do? Sit on my ass, in my house. Like every other night.

Apparently, freedom is scary sometimes. I didn't even know what I would do were I to leave the house. I didn't think it through. I am so out of practice and used to being home every night that it didn't really occur to me to find something to do. 


Now I kind of get it when people, who upon being released from a long stint in prison, immediately commit a crime in order to get arrested and go back to the only environment they have known.

The next day, Nate and I enjoyed our quiet, empty house for a few hours. Then we picked up the boys and enjoyed a multi-birthday celebration pool party. 

All in all, it was great to have the time to myself. I am looking forward to the next time with slobbering, rabid passion. But the facts are, I have these boys, and they are a part of me, and while there are days that I feel as though I could run, screaming, off into the sunset, alone and ripping my hair out and never look back, I know that it's just a temporary feeling born out of frustration and angst. And it will pass. Then come back again. And pass and come back again. But I am stuck with these guys and even worse, they are stuck with me and as long as we get to enjoy some breaks from each other to reset, we'll make it through.

I mean come on. Brandon just walked up to me with a plate of "food" that he made for me in his toy kitchen, and he was sporting a two-inch snot trail with some chunky, slimy boogers mixed in on his forearm that he used to wipe his nose with. 

How can I not want to be around that every day?

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  1. Awwww your baby "cooked" for you!!!

    I had a teen-free night on Saturday. I could have had friends over and been inappropriate and cussed a lot, and drank myself stupid.

    Instead, I ate chips on the couch. And milk from the jug.

    1. Yep, I'm teaching him young!!

      Good to know that I am not the only one who did not take advantage of my free time. Apparently, it's not so uncommon!

  2. you are an incredible story teller, I really appreciate reading your stories, you are so lovable :-)


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