Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Questions I Did Not Think To Ask

"A friend once told me: 'The best journeys answer questions that in the beginning, you didn't even think to ask.'" -180 South, Jeff Johnson

I've never seen the 180 South documentary, but a friend (thanks, T.T.!) posted that quote on Facebook, and I love it. LOVE it. It's very true. Motherhood is that journey for me. I'm a deep thinker, an introspective person, always trying to think at least three steps ahead and to the side and from other viewpoints, and motherhood opened up a whole abyss of questions, and answers, that even I couldn't have possibly thought to ask prior to becoming a mother.

I've listed a few of them. The list is just a drop in the bucket of things I didn't think to ask but now know the answers to. Actually, a drop in the pond. No, ocean. I'm sure many other parents have experienced most of these, and if they haven't they will. Or something along these lines.

1. Will it be worth it when my kid sleeps longer?
It's not worth it when a kid sleep in or naps longer than they usually do, because once the normal wake-up time passes, all I do is wonder if the kid has died. And when rational thought sets in and I remind myself that it's such a remote chance that they actually died and they're just sleeping a bit longer, I still don't enjoy it because I feel the ticking time bomb of knowing that they are going to wake up at any second. And then when they do finally wake up, I'm simultaneously relieved that they are not dead and bummed that the peace and quiet is over. 

2. Will my kid make me look like a liar?
As soon as I (while being perfectly truthful) say to someone that my kid doesn't usually do something, the kid will do it. In front of only the person I said that to. Right after I say it, when what I just said is still fresh in the person's mind. Example:
Me: Connor doesn't eat salmon. 
Person I Said That To, 3 days later: So I made myself some salmon and some chicken for Connor, and he ate all of my salmon. And his chicken. 
Implication: You're a liar, and I am now starving because your pig-child ate all the food.
Aftermath: Connor has not eaten salmon since, and probably never will. Isolated incident, and I look like a liar, or like someone who does not know her child.

3. Will I want to throw my kid out of the window?
Yes. But instead, I put the kid in a crib and walk away. 

4. Will my kid have a weird pooping "schedule"?
No matter the time of day, we will be somewhere in public for 10 minutes, and in that 10 minutes, Connor will have to take a dump. Especially if we're in a place with the most disgusting public restrooms. Out of the entire day, that will always be his critical moment of potty need. Recently, we were at a friend's daughter's birthday party. Mind you, it wasn't a public place we were at, but in the mere two hours we were there, Connor had to crap twice and Ethan once. I spent an hour at the party, and an hour in the bathroom. Come on!

5. Will 8 p.m. become my most favorite time of day?
The boys' bedtime is 8 p.m. Yes, it's my favorite time of day. Even more so than nap time. 

6. Will I know it if my kid does something wrong?
If I don't notice that Ethan has done something wrong, the look on his face will tell me. The kid spells it out on his face like a damn billboard. If he ever learns how to do a poker face, I probably will not know about half the stuff he does that he's not supposed to. And if I catch anyone teaching him a poker face, I'm going to karate chop them in the throat.

7. What will happen if I simply make myself a plate of food?
On Nate's work days, when it's just me and the kids, I usually eat breakfast and dinner after the boys have already had theirs. 
If I make enough food for just me (after they have already eaten), the kids will eat half of it. 
If I make enough for all of us, they ignore it. 
If I ask if they want some and they do, they want more than what I made. 
If, the next time, I make more, they only want half of what I made. 
So in other words, there's either never enough, or there's too much. It's never just right. I think I'll just start stabbing them with my fork when they wander over to my food.

8. What will happen when I cut their nails?
I cut their toenails or fingernails, I'm ripping their nails from the beds. I wipe their noses, I'm pulling their brains out, not boogers. Or at least I'd think I was, the way they react to these basic grooming measures. I really just don't get it.

9. What will happen if I breastfeed my kid in an airport bathroom?
When Ethan was a baby, I was at the airport for some reason. He needed to eat. I went into the bathroom and found a bench to sit on, covered him up with a blanket, and tried to be discreet. A lady walked right up to me, and stared at me with this happy, goofy-eyed look on her face. After a few moments of discomfort and just when I was getting ready to ask her what the hell she was doing, she started telling me in a wistful voice about how she breastfed her son until he was five (five) and the only reason they quit was because he wanted to go to swimming camp or something like that. And she dried up while he was gone. I pretty much dried up on the spot. From horror.

10. Will becoming a mother make me a better person?
This is debatable. I still haven't figured out the answer to this one. So far, I'm probably going to have to go with no. I laugh at my kids when they throw tantrums, which Brandon is doing right now, and I would give just about anything to have a live-in nanny to take care of the mundane tasks (read: leave all the fun stuff for me) so that's probably bad. But, I do really, really love them, so that's good. I just don't know.

What about you? What questions did you not think to ask? 

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  1. Will my husband and I ever have a moment to ourselves again?
    it feels like no, but rarely seems to be the honest answer

    1. Ha! Yes, that's a valid question. I hope you have family that you trust and who are willing to take your child for you so that you two CAN have some time together. It's really, really important for both of you to do that! :-)

  2. We do. But at this point we only trust my mom (we have the cutest little monster) and she already watches him 40 hrs/wk while we work. So I don't want to ask too often...


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