Thursday, January 19, 2012

Kids can put my potty mouth to shame

Kids start out speaking with some pretty severe speech deficiencies, and they end up swearing like little truckers before they even know what a trucker is. Or should I say, "fwucker"? 

With a 3- and 1-year-old in our house, we are in the thick of this frustrating and embarrassing phase. If they're not inadvertently swearing, we're trying to decipher their foreign language like a couple of tourists in a strange land, except we're in our all-too familiar land of diapers, boogers, and weird skin rashes. 

Connor is getting significantly better in his language skills, but the poor guy was previously so hard to understand that his pediatrician actually sent him for a hearing test (which he passed) to see if he wasn't hearing well, and therefore wasn't hearing words correctly and then struggling with saying them correctly. Thankfully his older brother could somehow understand what he was saying and quite often had to interpret for us. But in the meantime, we got some pretty crazy mispronunciations out of him. 

So, I dug out the 12-year-old in me (it wasn't hard to find) and listed some of these delightfully inappropriate mispronunciations my little potty mouths have spewed out, plus I asked around and got mispronunciations from other moms, dads, and grandparents. Some are ones that probably every kid has mispronounced, but for the eternal sixth grader in me and perhaps some of you, they're still inappropriately and embarrassingly funny.

The faint of heart should probably stop reading here.

Correct Word/Phrase (CW) and Mispronunciation (MP):

CW: salt and pepper
MP: suck pecker
Connor rocked this one at dinnertime. It was so amazing to hear my just-turned three-year-old say "Mom, I want suck pecker". Every night.

CW: birdies
MP: boobies

CW: fish/fishes
MP: bitch/bitches

CW: peanuts
MP: penis
*This one was fun the time Connor was on an amusement park ride, I was sitting on a bench waiting for him and ate a couple of his peanuts. He saw me and started yelling, "Mom, stop eating my penis" not once, but over and over, at full volume.

CW: socks
MP: cocks

CW: sharks
MP: cocks
*Courtesy of a blog I came across and really like: 
CW: dwarfs
MP: Snow White and the Seven Whores

CW: shirt
MP: "Check out my shit"

CW: brother
MP: bra

CW: Victoria's Secret
MP: Porno Secret
*This little girl asked her Grandma, very loudly, while standing in the middle of the store if they were in Porno Secret. She isn't too far off the mark!

I've also noticed that there are many things that I have said to the boys lately that, if heard out of context, sound pretty bad. You know, the things you say then as soon as they're out of your mouth you're like, oh wait, that didn't sound very good....

Stop throwing your balls in my face!

Go play with your balls!

Please just eat your nuts.

To Brandon while playing outside: You like putting your stick in that hole? 

Hold still so I can stick it in! (Thermometer into an armpit)

Ethan: "I have a snake in my pants." (Errrr... yes. But in this particular instance, it was literally a toy snake.)

That's all that I could remember/squeeze out of others. Feel free to add yours to the list by commenting below!

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  1. P.S. I love you and you kids!!!

  2. And I love you and your fetus! I can't wait until he starts popping off with some of these, or some of his very own, and YOU get to tell ME these stories!!


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