Thursday, December 15, 2011

Torture/Interrogation Methods

How have the world's militaries and governments missed utilizing children as a method of torture or interrogation? Forget whipping, digit/fingernail removal, or acetylene torches, I have far better methods to employ:


  • Place the "interviewee" in a room and make them listen to a kid screaming. Nonstop. At full volume. One of two things will happen: they'll either confess their entire soul, or just snap and jam spikes into their own ears.

  • Put Dora The Explorer on a television, and strap the "interviewee" into a chair in front of the t.v. It may take a couple of episodes, but eventually, after listening to her voice and to her repeating the answers to her own questions 87 times in row, even the strongest, most resilient person will crack just to make her shut the hell UP.

  • Speaking of t.v., make him or her watch hours of children's beauty pageants AND listen to the mothers speak about their lives. If that alone isn't enough to make the person physically ill and spill the beans - along with the contents of their stomach - tell them that if they don't start talking, they're going to have to live with one of the pageant families and participate (behind the scenes) in all of the events. That'll break them for sure.

  • Sleep deprivation. Oh wait, that's already used. Interesting... interesting....

  • Put an extremely curious, overly talkative kid that is hyped up on mad amounts of sugar in the room with these instructions: ask as many inane questions as you can, tell as many stories as you can, sing all the songs you know, and make SURE that the other person is listening and responding. I'd snap inside of 25 minutes.

This is just a small list. A starter list, if you will. I know there are thousands of other things that kids do to torture people; I experience some of them every day. Feel free to add to this list by commenting below!

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